20 Facts You May Not Know About Me

• I wear a size 8 shoe.
• I eat more ice cream in the winter than I ever do in the other seasons.
• I suffer from horrible insomnia and when I am not I have very restless sleep.
• I will read for months on end, then just one day stop.
• I want cremated and tossed out in Lake Superior by the Split Rock Lighthouse in Duluth, MN.
• My favorite number is 34 because Walter Payton was my hero.
• I hate socks, but if I have to wear them, I prefer Thorlo…they are $13/pair and they feel like someone is hugging my feet.
• I know how to drive a boat. 
• I fell off of the top stair of my father’s combine when I was in Kindergarten, landed flat on my back, trying to hand him a bottle of windex.
• The sheep dog we had at the farmhouse, bit a chunk out of my head when I was little, probably explains a lot.
• My favorite color is orange.
• I cannot curl my tongue.
• I cannot do a cartwheel.
• The car of my dreams is a Silver Nissan Xterra, completely loaded.
• The only celebrity I have ever met was Bruce Jenner.  I gave him a tour of our Fitness Center and was his guest of honor at his luncheon.  He was a jerk.
• I adore lighthouses.
• I could sit in a boat all day and fish.  By myself.  And have.
• I ordered a 20oz. T-Bone when I was 8 and ate the whole thing.
• I get a little animated when the Chicago Bears play.  In fact, space is required around me.  I have only been to Soldier Field one time in my life, and they lost, but it was one of the best days of my life.
• I have seen Rob Thomas/Matchbox 20 in concert more than any other artist.

Pets are People Too...

Pets are people too.  If you have ever had one, you know this.  For the love, we gave a Guinea Pig a burial fit for a King.  The thing is I have only had two pets my whole life.  This is a true fact.  I was never allowed to have pets.  I have no idea why, you would have to ask Jim and Rita.  My friend Michelle sent me home with a white kitten once that I wanted so bad.  That white kitten went back to Michelle’s the next day.  My brother?  He would go to the Church sale and come home with a puppy.  The puppy would get to stay. 

Anyway, my first pet was an initially unwise decision made between me and my GF at the time.  It was unwise because we drove 14 hours round trip to get her (dumb) and because I would become her primary caregiver.  Later on when said GF cheated, she became the child in the relationship and she was immediately never allowed to see her again.  I am positive this is why God has not given me real children.

I drove clear to the other side of Missouri to get the Maltese.  Why a Maltese, because they are so damn cute and they don’t shed and it was going to be at Jim and Rita’s for a while until I moved and we had a Peek-a-Poo, I should say, Dee Dee did when we were growing up, so I knew they could handle little dogs.  We named her Bailey Bella Besitos, which meant Bailey Beautiful Little Kisses.  But she soon became moms little pal, so she became Bailey Jane, moms middle name, especially when she was in trouble. 

Bailey could fetch, roll over, shake, lie down and dance.  And she became moms little pal because it was during the Ice Cream Cone fiasco, so, hey, lay with Gram and eat Ice Cream Cones all night.  Plus, it was during the time my mom was quite sick and dogs sense these things.

Bailey was also sick and I would only get to have her for about a third of a Maltese’s lifespan.  She had a collapsed trachea, a genetic deformity, which was determined after several emergency room visits.  Yes real E.R. visits.  The first one she was put in an oxygen tank until she got ok.  I was devastated.  I had a special needs dog.  She couldn’t go for car rides to the vet, to get groomed.  If we had company she would get so excited, it would collapse and she would start gasping for breath.  She had very high anxiety, but looking back, there was a tremendous amount in the house, so she had no choice. 

After the GF moved away, I had kind of gotten her straightened out to the point that the vet and the groomer came to the house, so I didn’t have to drive her anywhere.

She did okay for a while…we tried Puppy Prozac, we tried Puppy Xanax which made her a zombie and would just wet herself…Enter new GF and new people…and she struggled, but did ok.

Two years ago this September, when my life as I knew it would take a downward spiral, so did hers.  And probably in part due to my own issues.   The GF left, my Mom left and Dad had a new friend.  From September on she labored so desperately to breathe and was retaining a lot of fluid.  I was dying inside, she was literally dying and I think once my mom left that was as far as she wanted to go.  I had to put Bailey to sleep the Monday after Christmas.  I don’t think I have ever cried harder over anything or anyone.  My parents weren’t speaking, and mom was gone from the house, but I wanted my mom there, so I had to practically beg my father to let her be there.  Jennifer Ulm, my vet, God Bless her, knowing the situation came to my house to do it.  I have never felt like I had given up on something so bad.  I didn’t want her to suffer, but I didn’t know how the hell I was going to survive without her either.  It didn’t matter where I went or how long I was gone, when I would come home she acted like it was the first time she had seen me in weeks…lots of kisses and she always stuck her butt in the air and wiggled her tail at me.  She was my first pet ever.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done.  Especially during and incredibly challenging time in my life to begin with.  I had Bailey cremated.  The best decision I ever made.  She can go with me wherever I go.  I miss her every day, but especially this time of year. 

Sobering Experience

This is probably going to be one of my harder Blogs to write and I am sorry in advance to those who cherish the funny ones, because this one is on a more serious note.

Pretty much baring my soul here, so it’ll probably take a lot out of me.

Alcoholism runs in my family.  Both sides.  Both Grandpa’s actually.  Neither of them drink anymore but they used to. 

Although I do not think of myself as an alcoholic, because I can go weeks without drinking, I do know that when I am down, depressed, blue, confused, angry, whatever, that I turn to alcohol when I don’t want to deal with whatever “it” is anymore.  Is that a good idea, no, especially to add a depressant to the depressed?  I do not drink often, but when I drink, I drink a lot.  To the point where I don’t remember how I fell and broke my hand.  Perhaps it’s funny, but really it isn’t.  I don’t hurt others but it is hurting me when I do it to that extent.

I also drink when I am happy.  And miraculously, I don’t get mean, hateful, angrier, etc.  I actually have fun and I am a fun person to be around.  I can have a glass or two of wine with dinner and be completely fine.

I don’t always over drink just when I am depressed either though.  A perfectly good day sitting in the river can lead to several drinks.

When things get tough, I run to the place that will make me forget about it.  That solves nothing.  I am aware of this.  I am an extremely black and white person; there is no gray area for me.  It’s all or nothing.  I have been that way my whole life…it is not something I can change, I have tried, and it’s ingrained in every fiber of my being.

This is why I have decided to stop drinking all together.  It’s not a decision I am making for anyone other than myself.  I need to find an outlet when I am hurting, possibly my writing, but it won’t be to turn to a drink. 

As many of you know, next weekend is our 14^th Annual Labor Day Rodeo.  It is a 4 day drunk fest is what it is.  It will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, or maybe it won’t be and I just think it will…but it for sure will test my strength.  I have faith in myself.  Someone has to.  I have also been asked to bartend at my old bar tomorrow night, so just being surrounded by it will be interesting, but I think the best way to give something up is to be challenged by its presence.  Maybe that is just me.

I don’t need to drink to enjoy life.  I need to start enjoying my life period.  I have a lot to be thankful for. 

I am asking you, as my friends and family, to support me in this journey and understand that it will be difficult for me at first.  It will mean the world to me if you would.

Good luck Tiff…but I already think you are moving in the right direction.  =) 

Free Vodka

I wish most of you could have met my Grandma Rosie.  Some of you had, but most of you probably not.  She was a force to be reckoned with for sure.  My poor Grandfather endured the worst of it in the later years…she was constantly screaming his name.  CHARRRRRLES!  And the poor man would stop whatever he was doing and go see what she needed.  Rarely was it important, but he went anyway.  It was easier.

I used to think she was the glue that held our family together.  If she wanted EVERYONE there for Sunday dinner, EVERYONE better be there for Sunday dinner.  It was tradition to go to her and Grandpa’s house Christmas Eve.  Snack, go to Mass, open presents, eat some more.  It was one of my favorite days of the year.  They didn’t have a big house but a lot of us crammed in it and it was special.  Christmas dinner was always Mostacolli and Meatballs…the homemade stuff…not out of a box.  Brad and Michelle have held on to this tradition to this day. 

There is so much I could tell you about her, but the reason for my post is to tell you about her love for Vodka.  On the rocks.  Maybe tonic with a twist, but rarely.  I personally only saw my Grandmother drink Vodka one time that I can remember, but it was a special time and it would be the first and last time I ever saw her drunk.

It was my college graduation party.  We were having it at Marion’s Other Place, which is now Moonbeams.  Marion was a force to be reckoned with herself, so when she found out Grandma wanted vodka, on the rocks, she was ecstatic!!  It just happened that one of Marion’s distributors had conned her into trying the newest “it” vodka at the time, which was called Fris.  Two dots over the i.  Made in Denmark.  It is technically pronounced FREEZE because well, that is how they distill it.  Anyway, Marion was so glad to get someone to try it.  Due to our small town ways, no one had any idea it was pronounced FREEZE, so Marion called it FREE Vodka all night.  Sure Gram wanted to try it, what the heck!  Who doesn’t want FREE Vodka?  I don’t know if she thought mom and dad bought a bottle like they bought a keg, or what, she didn’t care.  Keep them coming.  I have no idea to this day how many she actually drank.  I know she was dancing with Bubba Braten and she was having fun and not screaming at Grandpa, so he was happy!  If she didn’t have one of us running to the bar for more FREE vodka, she was getting her own. 

It was all fun and games until Grandpa thought he had better take her home and asked for their tab.  Again, I don’t recall how many she drank, but he thought Marion had given him the wrong ticket.  I don’t even remember how much it was for; I just know that he argued with Marion for quite some time.  She said Charles, Rosie’s drinks are on there as well…to which he replied, how can that be she was drinking FREE vodka all night?  Marion said, dammit Charles I know, I served her.  Well Marion, how the hell much does FREE vodka cost if it’s FREE?  Marion replies, Charles, I don’t make the shit, I just sell it and God Bless her she just about wiped me out of FREE vodka! You can imagine how long this continued until Grandma caught on and screamed at him to just pay the woman.  Money was important to Grandpa.  He didn’t like parting with it especially when he didn’t understand what he was buying.

I am pretty sure that he did not realize what happened until sometime later and by this time, none of us were in any shape to argue.  But when he did find out that she had been putting the most expensive Vodka around at the time on his tab all night,  I am pretty sure she was never allowed to drink it again.  Of course she laughed.  Hard.  At the hilarity of it all.  Good stuff that was.

Yes, I am Obsessed with Adele

Very few singers/songwriters evoke an emotion in me that draws me to tears.  When I say singer/songwriters, I mean people who write their own music.  I love many artists, Celine Dion for instance, she can bring me to tears, but she doesn’t write her own music.  And to me, that is a giant difference between how the music moves me.  Obviously certain songs can cause various emotions, but when I know an artist has written this from their heart, from a life experience, from some emotion, it makes it that much more powerful.

I will be the first to admit I have an extremely unhealthy obsession with Adele.  I personally have no problem with it.  And don’t really care who thinks that I do.  The first step is admitting.  And I have.  So we can get past that. 

The first time I heard Adele I was sailing away in the Caribbean with my GF at the time.  Her song Chasing Pavements must have played a million times on that cruise.  I remember asking one of the other passengers who was singing because I just was mesmerized by it.  How many times in my life had I asked myself “should I just give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?”  Hundreds…and I have chased a lot of pavements.  So of course when I returned home from the trip I found her CD and fell in love with the whole thing.  Who was this British person who could literally crawl inside my head and write down every emotion I was feeling?  And then, she kind of faded into the sunset…never to be heard from again.  I never saw the Saturday Night Live show that made her famous in the U.S. and really, didn’t think much more about her except when I would randomly hear Chasing Pavements on the radio.  They didn’t give the other songs much air play.

Several months ago, I was watching a movie trailer being advertised on TV.  For the life of me, I cannot remember the movie, but they were playing the chorus to Rolling in the Deep, a song that would eventually go on to be number 1 in 17 countries.  I had no idea who sang it, but I remembered the lyrics and Googled it.  Thank God for Google.  And here she was again, after all these years…the same person who tripped a trigger once upon a time, was doing it again.  I YouTube’d it and watched the video, which if you haven’t seen, is phenomenal.  Who can sing like that sitting down? 

Well after that I proceeded to look her up on ITunes and listen to 30 seconds of each of the rest of the songs on the new album.  I have a little OCD.  Example, if I am craving Olive Garden, I will not be okay to be around until I have had it.  Knowing I was not going to be ok without this CD I immediately got in my car and drove to Target.  Purchased the CD and listened to it in its entirety for the remainder of the day.  Interestingly enough, my cousin Rhetta was doing the same thing except was taking a much slower approach.  Like hadn’t even made it past song 4.

Anyway, shortly after purchasing this CD, I realize Target, of all places, has a special edition CD, which includes acoustic versions of some of the songs.  Well, by God, I had to have it.  Why didn’t Target tell me this when I was there the first time?  Oh, because they only printed so many and gave only so many to only certain Targets and good luck finding one.  I went to every Target around me…they were out.  I called the only other person who knew about this obsession, Rhetta, and said, you have many Targets, please find one.  Please, if you never do another thing for me.  In true Rhetta form, she came through.  And I may as well have won the lottery.  I think Day 3 of listening to it; Bella asked me if I ever thought about listening to anything else.  Ummm, no, no I haven’t.

I then watched the videos about how each song came to be, which of course made me love them that much more.  And then, she was on Chelsea Lately, whom I adore, and I instantly fell in love with her.  Like a movie star crush, only a musician crush.  Everything about her…her mannerisms, her voice, her past, her laughter…she really is just a normal, hilarious, funny human being who has had their heart shattered, just like everyone else in the world.  She is human.  She is the kind of person you want to sit down and have a beer with, because you know she would be an awesome friend.

So once in a while, you meet a person, okay so I haven’t met her, but you run across a person, who for whatever reason, changes your life.  You have no idea, but they crawl inside your heart and they stay there.  I am not the only person in the world who thinks she crawled in my head and expressed my emotions through music, but no one else in the world can feel the way I do when she sings.  The emotions she evokes in me are mine and mine only. 

Her current CD, 21, runs the gamut of a failed relationship.  Falling in love, falling out of love, people talking about it, all of it.  We have all been through them.  We have all had our heart broken.  I personally don’t know a single soul who has been able to write about it and sing about it in a way as if you wrote it yourself. 

I would give anything to see her in concert.  I would give anything to meet her.  I would be just one of a million people who would say, oh my gosh you changed my life…and it would mean nothing to her, because she hears it every single day…but it wouldn’t matter because I would have told her how I felt. 

I am sure most of you could care less about how Adele makes me feel, or why I am so crazy about her, but if you like her yourself, I suggest that you YouTube her ITunes Live Festival 2011 and watch them all.  If you don’t laugh, or cry, well, don’t bother.  It will either touch your heart or it won’t.

I have included two videos that I would recommend to anyone who even remotely likes her.  The first one, Someone Like You, makes me cry.  I cry, because she cries, at the very end.  It is hard to catch, but she does.  And she has said this was one of the hardest songs she has ever written because it expresses exactly how she felt.  You can feel the way she feels, just by watching her sing it.

The last song, One and Only, will be sung at my wedding.  I pray I mean this much to someone someday.

Until then.  “Don’t underestimate the things that I will do.”

Thank you Adele.  For understanding me.

R.I.P. Jasper-The Addendum

It was brought to my attention late last evening, once Bella had a chance to read it, that I only forgot one really key, but yet hysterical, fact in the story of Jasper and his services.

Bella missed his death, meaning she wasn't present for it.  Her mother forced her (and this I believe) to serve pizza at the Methodist Church for the Halloween party.  She thinks she was in the 5th grade.  There is a lot of irony in that she was serving the Lord, while Jasper was heading to him.  This however, still angers Bella, as she should have been there.  And frankly, after the ordeal we went through to send him off, yes she should have been there when he went into the other world.

This also explains why Mom was so excited to leave the house.  She hated Halloween, not when we were little, but we never had any trick or treaters and she would much rather shut the porch light off and sit in her bed and inhale ice cream cones.  This gave us a reason to shut the light off and leave.

I think that sums it up.  R.I.P. Jasper, I hope your little log home is still doing well.

P.S.  Dee Dee brought carrots to work today.

R.I.P. Jasper

Not to be confused with Casper, the friendly ghost.

Jasper was Belle’s friendly Guinea Pig.  Jasper died of Cancer.  Shocker.  Like we didn’t have enough of that in our lives with humans.  I am not sure how Sister knew he had Cancer, she can’t remember.  She claims she took him to a vet, and he had an impacted bowel or something.  She can’t remember what she had for breakfast so I don’t know how reliable these facts are.

Truth is we don’t really remember when she got Jasper, or how long he lived or what year he passed.  I was back from Minnesota, so some time after 2002. 

Bella wanted a pet so bad.  Anything.  Really she wanted a dog, but she would take a hamster, gerbil, guinea pig, whatever.  Her Dad told her she could have a guinea pig but the first minute the house smelled like his cage, he was gone.  She promised she would take care of it.  She, as she would prove later in life as well, stuck to her word and religiously took care of this thing.  This guinea pig had the cleanest cage in the tri state area. 

Jasper became Bella’s best friend.  She confided in him.  He never talked back.  She could tell him all of her troubles and secrets and he wouldn’t judge her.  They were pretty tight. 

When Jasper got sick, it was a very tense two weeks around the Compound.  The Compound is what we call where we live, because we all live practically on top of each other.  My Brother lives up the street two blocks, my grandparents live across the street, my Aunt Joyce (my dad’s sister) lives right next door.  Down the hill from her is her son Neil, my cousin, and in front of Neil’s house is my Sister.  There are a few people who aren’t “family” scattered in there.  I am not totally sure how that happened…but anyway…the Compound was electric with the news that Jasper was not doing well.

You Found Me

I personally do not listen to a lot of Christian music.  I love all kinds of music, don’t get me wrong.  When I am sad, I listen to songs that make me cry.  When I am happy, I can’t stop my feet.  When I am cooking I like Classical.  Interestingly enough I also like Classical at work when I am doing the hardest part of my job which is material extensions.  I won’t bore you with that, but when I need to concentrate, I need classical music.  That may surprise some of you, but it is the truth.  I have over 3000 songs on my IPod and some day, I swear I am just going to hit shuffle and let it roll.  Most times I skip over the songs until I find the one that suits my mood.

Anyway, I will listen to music, all kinds; it just depends on the situation.  I personally have an incredible need to have music in my life.  There is always a song that pertains to what you are going through.  I remember the first time I was on Beale Street in Memphis…my parents had to keep coming inside the bars to get me out as I was drawn to those dark ones with the little jazz ensemble in the back, busting out some blues.  I was in 8^th grade, but it should have given them a clue I think, that eventually I would end up in a bar.

One of my favorite lines of a Pop song that refers to the direction I am taking this post is from a band called The Fray.  The song is called “You Found Me.”  If you have ever heard it and you know me, you will see that it has applied to my life at some point.  Anyway, at some point during one of my rock bottom moments, Sister was begging me to go back to Church and Mom said I needed to find God.  I replied; “I found God, on the corner of 1^st and Amistad.”  It’s the first line of the song.  He goes on to ask God where’ve you been, I have been calling and calling you. 

I have not faithfully attended Church since 1997.  The year my Grandma passed away.  I was very, very angry.  She went to Church 7 days a week.  She prayed at his altar 7 days a week.  And he still took her.  Maybe that is what she was asking for all along, I have no idea.  I was born and raised Catholic.  Raised to believe that if you confess your sins and lead a good healthy life, God would take care of you.  Well, at the time it didn’t make sense to me.  Hadn’t Grandma done that?

Rhetta-ictionary

One of my favorite websites is called Urban Dictionary.  I have added it to my Blog actually, on the left hand side.  Just click the link and you can see it for yourself.  It definitely appeals more to my age demographic and college age students than say perhaps my mother’s age group.  The website defines new words, that I am sure will never make it to Websters, but words that some of us should consider using!  Either way, I would recommend it.  Some of the words are high-larious.

Anyway, I have my own personal Urban Dictionary.  To know her is to love her.  I haven’t met anyone that doesn’t love her.  She is the kind of person everyone needs in their life.  She picks you up, sometimes just by saying really stupid things.  Well, what would be considered stupid to some, but not to those of us who get to converse with her.

Her name is Rhetta Sheldon.  She is my cousin.  She just turned the BIG 30 this year and she has a vocabulary that you truly have to hear to believe.  She lives in Chicago and I don’t get to see her nearly enough, but when I need her she is always there.  She knows how much she means to me, but I am sure it makes her feel good to hear it in a public forum.  Not including immediate family, (siblings, parents) she is one of my Top 5 Favorite People.

I am sure I will forget some of the Rhettaisms and if you know her, feel free to add some, but here are the ones that come to mind.  With the help and courtesy of Cousit Lori, Brother Andy and Father Bill, here is our Rhetta-ictonary.

****DISCLAIMER****  Some of these words/phrases, are not suitable for children or frankly, some adults either.

Dis Wan-
short for this one.

Vegas the clocks-
cover the clocks when it’s too late to still be awake, or early depending on what time it is.

Hoffed Herself-
when you sit on the floor in a drunken stupor and eat a hamburger, or whatever, and someone may or may not be video tapping your stupidity to share on YouTube.

Oly One-
short for only one.

I Got This!-
She claims to have things under control (she stole this from Aunt Lori).

Feel like a bucket of busted a**holes-
she probably Vegas’d the Clocks and Hoffed Herself in the same night.

Dericious-
delicious, duh, but a much more fun way of saying it.

Sangwich-
I think she stole this from Jersey Shore, Andy says she made it up, either way it’s a sandwich but it’s more fun when she says it this way

Purt-
Put, of course

REALLY!!!  REALLY!!!!-
said with zeal and zest to basically make you feel stupid, like are you serious?

Whatever, Never-mind, Blah-Blah-Blah and I Don’t Care.

This one is for you, you know who you are.  I am dedicating posts now; its kind of a big deal. 

There are a few words/phrases in the English language that I absolutely despise.  I have been accused of over using them myself, but for all intents and purposes I thoroughly detest them.  Here they are followed by my feelings about them.

Whatever:
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this word has many meanings and can be used in various scenarios.  For instance; “Tiff, do you care if I use this pencil, all of mine are broke.”  “Hey, no problem, whatever you need.”  This would be where whatever was used and didn’t hurt either party involved.

Whatever bothers me when you know that you are about to get into an argument or you are in one with someone and you say something and they simply say, whatever.  No more, no less.  One word.  One word that can cause blood to boil and heads to spin.  It can technically be considered a big f-you, without all the drama.  It means, I am done, doesn’t matter what you are going to say, I stopped listening to you a long time ago and I don’t believe you.  Whatever.  Put whatever in caps and it is downright insulting.

Never-mind:
It is probably the one I overuse too often.  Sometimes I use it when I don’t have the energy to argue a point.  Sometimes I use it when I know the person I am trying to make a point to is not listening and I am getting pissed off. Sometimes it is used when you are really just done talking.  I don’t consider never-mind to be as harsh as whatever.  I also use it when I have asked someone to do something and they can’t seem to handle it, thus making it easier to just do something myself.  When never-mind is used back against me to spite me, well, I know why it is being used.  I am extremely sensitive and am not always prepared to deal with it when it comes my way.

Politics

We have been picking sides as long as I have been alive.  In grade school you had to pick your kickball teams…someone always got picked first, someone always got picked last.  To this day I can tell which person got picked last; they still carry a lot of resentment.

We are supposed to pick political sides…you are one or the other.  God forbid you vote for a combination of both parties.

I was born and raised in a bi-partisan household.  My father a staunch Republican, my mother a staunch Democrat.  Probably should have known years ago that their marriage would not withstand the test of time.   They didn’t cross lines.  In fact they even had an agreement that they would not have political signs in their yard of either party.  I was not terribly affected by this issue growing up because I didn’t much care for politics until I got into college and started realizing I had a voice and that it could be heard.

To be honest, I leaned towards the Democrats.  I don’t know if I was influenced by my mother, to a degree I probably always was, but I felt like the Republicans were dirty.  Creepy.  Now, slow your roll, I am not blogging this to start a fight.  Kudos to whatever side you choose, that is why we live in America.  We have a choice. 

When other parties started evolving, I personally got very excited.  Independents, the green party…wow, I didn’t know you could branch out and create new parties.  This excited me because I felt so different in my own skin, I felt like that’s what these parties were trying to say…you DON’T HAVE to be one or the other.

I will not lie.  I know very little about politics.  Passing bills, passing laws, legislation…I should know more, but it confuses me and doesn’t interest me, so THEREFORE I do not involve myself in political arguments.  I will never win.  I am passionate about a lot of things, this isn’t one of them.  I do however have opinions about it and what other people say and do about it.

For instance, if you don’t vote, shut up.  Seriously.  I know enough to know that if I didn’t go make a choice, I have no leg to stand on about what is happening in this country.

I wasn’t alive during two Presidents terms of which I wished I had been.  Abraham Lincoln and JFK.  Abe just because I think he may have been the best President we have ever had.  JFK, because so much controversy surrounded him and frankly I am a Kennedy fan.  I would have fit right in with them out at the Hamptons I just know it.  And well, him and Marilyn…you know how I feel about her…we all would have had a blast.

Obviously I am going to lean towards someone who supports gay rights.

I was enamored by the “idea” of a black president.  Until the B.S. started about how he was really bi-racial, he wasn’t really born in Hawaii…blah, blah, blah.  I just don’t know what kind of people have time for that crap, who cares…well obviously some people do.  Ok, good for you, I don’t.  He made history.  No matter what side you are on.   It was a monumental moment in my life.  All of our lives.  Many thought he would be killed by now.  Thank God he hasn’t been.

As you know President Obama made a trip to our area recently.  And as you know the economy is the worst it has been in years.  The state of our country is the worst that it has been in years.  Of course it is his entire fault.  We have to blame someone.  And those that picked for the other team are certainly still pointing fingers.  What a mess he has made.

I probably won’t win many fans for what I am about to say, but may I remind you, it is my blog and you don’t have to read it.

I honestly don’t know what possessed Obama to run for President.  Who in their right freaking mind would want the disaster that was handed to him?  I love how we forgot how well off we were when he took over.  He has been bashed for not getting troops home sooner.  I don’t think we should have even been there in the first place.  I don’t agree with many of the decisions he has made, but I for one keep my mouth shut, because I for one, have no clue how to make it better, nor would I want to.

I could ask 10 of my friends to become the manager of a McDonalds.  Most would say how much does it pay.  I would say 9 out of 10 would decline.  Who wants to say they manage a McDonalds?  Well I for one know their benefits package is top notch, but no one has ever asked me to run one.  My point is, yes, he chose his job, why, I have no idea.  Has he done a great one?  Nope.  Can I do it better?  Nope.  Should I shut my mouth then and not speak of things I know nothing about?  Yep.  I guess what I really want to say is he took a risk.  He is not well-paid.  We have doctors in our area making more than he does and he has 100 times more responsibility.  Who wants to say they manage the U.S.A.?

I guess instead of bashing him and speaking about things of which I know nothing about, I simply applaud him for trying and am grateful I am not him.  Maybe he was picked last on the kickball team and this is his way of coping with that, I don’t know.  I wouldn’t want his job and I don’t know very many people who would.  I agree we all have a right to complain, but what does it solve?  It just takes up too much of my energy.

I don’t like picking sides.  I never have.  But I damn sure love a good kickball game.

Drinking Problem

So we all know that Dee Dee, my sister has a drinking problem.  Has for years.  We have had her in and out of rehab several times but to no avail.  Mom and Dad gave up on her years ago.  I tried to get the kids, but she kept getting out just in time to stop that process. 

Now that is some funny stuff!  NOT TRUE, not one ounce of it. 

However, she was the first person to give me my first beer though.  My first kegger!!  Was finally going to be one of the cool kids!  Tonya Braten tattled on us though when her father took her to our house and she proceeded to tell my parents we were out in some corn field drinking.  Tonya then hurled all over our side walk. 

Cops weren’t called but parents were and luckily from our location, you could see cars coming for a mile… which is great except that we were literally at the edge of a corn field and right next to it, the river.  So your two options were not real great.  All I remember is her telling me to run.

Some time when you have nothing better to do, go to a corn field, at night and start running through it.  You may as well be blindfolded.  You will get terribly lost.  When in actuality you probably are just running in a big circle.  I really don’t recall how we found one another or how we wound up at Steve Parkers house above the laundry mat, but Dad eventually found us and I think Sisters boyfriend got in more trouble than either one of us.  I told them I only had one, I am not sure if they believed me or not, but I sure as hell couldn’t hold my head up, so I am guessing they weren’t that stupid.

Back to Dee Dee’s drinking problem.  She told me to tell stories that would make people laugh.  Okay, well I guess I will tell all the funny stories I know about her. 

I do not recall how old the kids were, Ethan and Bella, but old enough to know how to use the phone.  Usually to call my mom to tell her that THEIR mom was abusing them.  They were still little.  5 and 7ish I think, but anyway. 

One night Dee Dee was trying to make herself a Margarita.  The blender stopped working.  The kids were in the living room watching TV.  Or so she thought.  Apparently she proceeded to say some words and get upset at which point they asked her what was wrong.  She replied with something to the effect of she was having trouble making her drink, the blender broke, their Dad wasn’t home to help her, etc. 

A few minutes pass and she hears Ethan on the phone.  “Hello, my name is Ethan David Boyer, and my mom has a drinking problem.”  Dee Dee, thinking they had called my mom again, doesn’t initially stop him.  “Yes ma’am she can’t make her drink, her blender broke and my Dad isn’t here to fix it.”  “Ethan David who in the hell are you talking to?” “Yes ma’am she is now yelling at me.”  Again, “Ethan who are you talking to?”  “I called the 800 NEED HELP lady because her commercial said if you or someone you loved was having a drinking problem you should call this number.”   CLICK…

My phone rings.  “I am going to jail.”  “Uh, why,” I reply?  “Because if the police aren’t already on their way, I may have to spank these children.”  She proceeded to tell me the story and I almost peed my pants.  They were very bright children, but I didn’t realize they were that bright!!!

Thus the beginning of my sisters drinking problem.   For those who are concerned, no worries, she has a perfectly working blender right now.  Pretty sure she has from that day forward. 

Fill er up please...

“I hope to someday live in a world where we all remember which side the gas tank is on.”

I saw this the other day and had to laugh out loud.  It’s fun, try it sometime.  Laughing out loud.  Especially around a bunch of strange people, and just say, “you had to be there…” Or if you want a really good laugh go to a public restroom with a stopwatch and clipboard and when someone comes out of a stall, click your stopwatch and write something down.  LOL.  See I literally did it! 

Anyway, I have done it.  I have done it several times.  Pulled the car up to the pump on the wrong side.  And had to look like an idiot driving around in a circle till I figured it out.  I laugh at people that do this…I am like good Lord, how do you not know what side your gas tank is on?  Well, I do it all the time, so obviously it is easy to do.

Of course that little saying brought back a memory that makes me LOL every single time, but I am pretty sure you had to be there.  Since none of you were, I will paint the picture as best as I can.

It was the summer of my senior year of college.  I was taking summer classes at Carl Sandburg College so I could get done and get out of Illinois as fast as possible.  I had a waterbed.  They were really the in thing for a while but I had one because of my arthritis.  Some doctor convinced my parents that I needed the heat and water for therapy, but anyway…

My father was and still is a firefighter.  This is back in the day when if there was a fire, the phone would ring a steady ring at all the firefighter’s houses.  Remember it was before pagers and walkie talkies. 

I am sound asleep.  Because sleep is important at this age.  I have class in a couple hours; I am not getting out of bed until I absolutely have to.  Funny, I still do that.  Anyway, sound asleep, the “fire phone” rings.  And keeps ringing.  And I can’t figure out why my father is not answering it.  Mom was at work.  It will ring until someone picks up or until the phone wears out.  I am screaming words I will not put on here, rolling around in this water bed, trying to get out of it to answer the damn phone.  When I do, it’s my father.  I AM PISSED.  Really Dad, you wait till I roll out of this thing to pick it up?  Until I listened some more.  He was the one requesting the fire department.  Jesus is my house on fire and he decides to let me know the same way the rest of the town knows?  “Yeah, this is Jim Buckman; I need fire trucks at the shed, NOW.”  Good Lord, now I think the shed is on fire, fearing for my Dad’s life, I bolt out the door in my jammies, which to this day are still shorts and a t-shirt thank God.  The shed is shut up, the gas tank is on fire, and at the door to the shed sits my Silver Thunderbird (she was a beauty) with the gas nozzle and hose STILL inside my car, with fire running out of it.  Two fires, no Dad.  Out he comes screaming at me to get away from the house.  All of the electricity to the house is about 20 feet away, so in my head I imagine a line of fire going to the house any minute now and blowing this beautiful brick home up.  Where the hell would you like me to go?   The shed is about to blow up because you drove my car to it while the car is still on fire and I can’t go in the back yard because that is where the gas tank is burning and if I go out front, I have to stand in the middle of Route 97.  I am literally in a death trap.

I am going to die.  Before I finish this summer class.  Before I graduate college.  This is not how I pictured my life ending.  Just then the sirens wail and here come the fire trucks.  Luckily we live close to the fire house.  You know that feeling you get when you know something bad is going to happen, that overwhelming feeling that things are about to get worse?  Well they did. 

In light of my recent post, I thought this was fitting.  It's a beautiful song with a beautiful message.

Perspective

The World English Dictionary describes this as:
A way of regarding situations, facts, etc. and judging their relative importance.
The proper way or accurate point of view or the ability to see it; objectivity.

Such as, “from my perspective, life hasn’t been very fair to them.”

This Blog could go a lot of different ways because I have a lot of different emotions running around in my head and normally I can pull them all together and make them have some sort of really profound meaning at the end, this one I am not sure of.  This scares me, so hang on you could be in for a bumpy ride. 

I am not the first nor will I be the last person to tell you that the things that happen to us in life are all dealt with by our attitude.  Our perception of said event.  Our perspective.  I mean, a person could lose their job for instance and they have a choice.  Am I going to feel sorry for myself, or am I going to go out and find a new one?  Is this the end of my world? What are my friends going to think?  What I am getting at is that no matter what life hands us, we have a choice on how we not only deal with it, but how we feel about it. 

Hero

The World English Dictionary describes this as:
A being of extraordinary strength and courage.

Honestly it mostly describes a man of great fortitude or exceptional courage, nobility etc.  I don’t know why a Hero has to be a man, but that can be dealt with in an entirely different Blog.

I am sure if you asked a random group of people from young to old who their Hero is, you would get a variety of different answers for different reasons.  From that persons PERSPECTIVE their hero could be their dad, a cartoon character, the guy who stepped in front of a bullet and saved a life, someone serving in the armed forces…the list goes on.  We all have a hero for different reasons.  If you use only the definition of the word Hero I gave you above, and based on MY PERSPECTIVE, you would be rather surprised to find out who my HERO (S) are.

6 beings of extraordinary strength and courage:

Personal Training

LOL, it seems so funny to me now…it used to be my life…I got certified to be a Personal Trainer.  I also got certified to be a licensed Mixologist.  A.K.A., bartender.  So many certifications, so little time.  Back to my point and I do have one.  A lot of people, apparently after reading My Letter to Myself, forgot or were reminded that I used to be a fitness freak.  And I really was.  But anyway, they have asked for my advice on starting up a new exercise program or what/how should they do this or that. 

I am no longer certified to do anything, except save lives and fight fires on a Cruise Ship.  If you think for one second I do not miss that boat you are wrong.  It was a major lifestyle change for me, but one that would have been a great chapter to this story.  Anyway, I cannot teach you how to exercise or what exercises you can do to help you lose weight.  I can only teach you what I know and what I have personally believed in my whole life.  Listen if you want, don’t if you don’t.  It takes a lot to offend me.  I wouldn’t recommend doing it, but it takes a lot.

The following is a list of facts that I know, no matter what exercise program you follow or what “diet” you adhere to.  I should also inform you that I am a much better motivator of others than of myself…but maybe this will help.

If you are “on a diet” you will fail.  If you haven’t already.  Over and over and over.  The fitness industry and health and wellness stores have convinced society to “go on diets.”  Take this pill, follow that program, eat this food, and don’t eat that food.   When you accept the fact that your “diet” is what you personally agree to consume every single day, you will be successful.  And what I mean is stop saying “I am going on a diet.”  Before you went on the diet, everything you ate was your diet.  You are changing your food consumption.  You are not GOING on anything.  Weight Watchers works because people are dedicated and because they have understood what foods they can eat and what foods to avoid.  But it works mostly because these people have accepted it is a lifestyle change.  You are not on Weight Watchers once you achieve your goal, you have changed your life and this is now how it is. 

The only time you lose weight is when you burn or use more calories than you consume.  Bottom line.  It does not matter if those calories came from pasta or from a rice cake or from a beer.  If you consume it, you have to get rid of it.  Just eating less calories alone will initially cause you to lose weight, but you will gain it back.   Because eventually your body says, oh, this is all we are getting, so let’s store it.  You have to teach your body to consume it, burn it and tell you when it is ready for more.  Honest to God, the more you exercise the more calories you can consume because you are increasing your metabolism. 

The Tao of Pooh

(This is going to get a little deep for some of you (Sister) and show my Existential side, but here goes. I love this book and if you figure out what character you most represent, it will make life a little bit easier. )

The what?  Well let me go to Wikipedia (because I love it) and explain what Tao means first.  Tao is a Chinese word meaning 'way', 'path', 'route', or sometimes more loosely, 'doctrine' or 'principle'.  Ok with that information, what the hell is The Tao of Pooh?  Only one of my favorite books of all time.  Again, I will result to Wikipedia, because without it I would not be near as intelligent sounding as I really am…

Wikipedia defines The Tao of Pooh as a book written by Benjamin Hoff. The book is intended as an introduction to the eastern belief system of Taoism for westerners. It allegorically employs the fictional characters of A. A. Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh stories to explain the basic principles of philosophical Taoism.  The book starts with a description of the “vinegar tasters,” which is an actual painting portraying the three great eastern thinkers, Confucius, the Buddha, and Laozi over a vat of vinegar. Each tasting the vinegar of "life," Confucius finds it sour, the Buddha finds it bitter, but Laozi, the traditional founder of Taoism, finds it satisfying.  Thus stating that it will different for everyone!  Oh boy, what is Taoism?  YIKES, okay…it refers to a philosophical and religious tradition that has influenced the people of East Asia for more than 2,500 years.

Clear as mud yeah?  Well it is if you open yourself up to it.  In terms that may be easier for everyone to understand it is a book that explains all of the characters in the Pooh books and how they correlate with the philosophy of Taoism. Pooh’s way is strangely close to Taoism and A.A. Milne (Pooh author) said the books were never written for children in the first place.  Basic Taoism is simply a particular way of appreciating, learning from and working with whatever happens in everyday life.  The natural result of this harmonious way of living is happiness.   Why did Hoff write it?  I guess because he could.  The book is phenomenal.  It is a spiritual journey into oneself and learning which character you are and how it directly affects your everyday life.

Back in my other life, I used to get a massage a week.  My massage therapist suggested this book when I was going through a rough time to help me “figure out who I was and how it was affecting my decisions every day.”  And let me tell you.  It did.  And my personality is like, well, wait, let me explain what the characters represent and maybe you can guess what character I am and possibly figure out who you are through the process.  With the help of Wikipedia and a totally fun website, www.just-pooh.com, here are the explanations.

Facebook

Facebook

It was inevitable, i.e. bound to happen.  That I would write about it.  I mean seriously?  My thoughts on it?  Of course they vary but here are the ones that stick out in my mind the most….

FACEBOOK is the 2nd most popular word that starts with an F and ends with a K.

 It is where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection & acceptance issues all over again.

Thinks that there is really quite nothing like the flavor of a rejected Facebook friendship invitation.

Whenever someone I don’t know wants to add me as friend on Facebook, I have the urge to ask them "who sent you?"

Sometimes feel that Facebook is like a fridge. If you’re bored you keep opening & closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in there.

Sometimes thinks that Facebook should change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What is your problem today?"

You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.

Can't be for sure, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before I discovered Facebook.

In all honesty would rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook.

In my lifetime it has to be at least in the Top 10 “things” that have changed the course of history forever.  I mean you can now treat people like spam, friend them and defriend them.  You can post pictures in a second, for the world to see, when it would have taken you a year to take enough on the roll of film to THEN take them in to get developed and have extra prints made so you could mail them to your friend in Denver of that one time when you got drunk at the bar.  You are not really in a relationship unless it is “Facebook Official.”  He with the most friends wins…You have complete control over who sees what and hears what about your life, but you have to be careful because sometimes you want people to see and hear it just to piss them off.

I love you all dearly, I really do.  All of my Facebook friends, but what I am about to say could upset you and for that I am sorry. 

I personally like Facebook.  I have reconnected with many friends, become better friends with friends I normally wouldn’t have been able to talk to so often, I have found out who my real friends are.  I enjoy seeing your children grow and hear about your accomplishments.  I love looking at pictures.  Really, when we lose someone that is all we will have left of them.  HOWEVER…I don’t need to know when you are going to bed, when you are eating dinner, when you are working out, when you are showering, when you are going to work, etc.  You picking up what I am putting down? 

When I Grow Up...

Sister says my blogs are getting TOO long and that people are going to lose interest.  She is not only one of my biggest fans but one of my worst critics as well.  The beauty of it all is that you have a choice as the reader to read them or not.  I will however, try to shorten them up.  The problem is I have a lot to say, and I want to make sure the world hears it.

Have you ever looked back and thought about all the things you wanted to be when you grew up?  I mean when you were really little, do you remember?  Little boys wanted to be firefighters, little girls ballerinas (ummm not me).  I wanted to be a Cowboy.  Funny, you couldn’t pay me to wear Cowboy boots today.  But really, how far back can you go to remember what you really thought you wanted to be when you grew up?  The following is a list of career paths that I most definitely didn’t take, or maybe I did.  But when someone sat me down and looked me in the eyes and said, what do you want to do with your life, these are the things that came spurting out.  In really no particular order either; I would have to be some sort of savant for that.  Some were serious, some were whimsical, but I challenge you to remember yours.

I'm blown away by your ability to show up...

“I want you guys to take a good look at yourselves and feel proud. We made it here. We're here. What I've learned from you is that really one of the most important things in life is showing up. I'm blown away by your ability to 

show up through everything that's gone on. The league never wanted you to play this game, but you showed up.”

This is a line from one of me, Ethan and Bella's favorite movies of all times, Hardball, with Keanu Reeves.  The story is about a guy down on his luck that is forced to coach an inner city little league baseball team in Chicago.  That is irrelevant to my post really, but its true meaning never hit me until this weekend.  I have used it for years, especially where relationships were concerned.  Because I don’t think people understand it.  It doesn't mean show up at the right time, or be present at a certain event or location.  It is much deeper than that.  TO ME, because this is strictly my opinion, it means this:

The odds were against you.  You showed up.  No one else would stand beside me. You showed up.  No one wanted you here.  You showed up.  I am in a sad and lonely place.  You showed up.  I could go on and on and on, because by now you know I really can.  Hopefully you are getting my point.  Anyway, this is how it pertained to me…this is how it affected my life…and at the beginning of any relationship I would ask them, do you know what it means to show up?  Obviously, no one has so far.

Why did it change this weekend?  DISCLAIMER: I am about to toot horns and stand on a soap box.  If you don’t want to hear it I suggest you stop reading now.

A Letter To Myself, THE END

Here it is, the end of the letter to myself...I am sure there will be more letters to write and more chapters to finish...

Tiff, I did not intend this letter to be so long, but I wanted to remind you of some things, certain things that formed and molded you into the human being you are today.  So much has happened to you.  I wanted you to know that IT IS OK.

A Letter To Myself, CONT.

During this time Cancer would rear its ugly head again and this time it took your Cousin Angie.  She was 21 I believe and had so much to offer the world.  You drove down from Minnesota as often as you could on weekends to be with her, but it wasn’t enough time.  This is when you and Rhetta, her sister, got so close and it would be one of the best things that ever happened to you.  Actually it was when you got really close with all of Angie’s family; Uncle Bill, Aunt Becky, Andy, Lori…You are the ying to Rhetta’s yang.  Peas in a pod…Angie knew what she was doing. 

At the Rec. Center you had to answer to 15 people, the Board of Directors, which wasn’t bad except for the one lady who hated you from day one.  We may never know why.  But she made your life miserable.  The more miserable you became the more you and Cara grew apart, eventually leading you to move out on your own.  Cara begged for you to come back but you stood your ground and rather quickly she met someone, whom she would be with for several years.  Thinking being on your own was the answer, you soon realized it wasn’t.  You were miserable.  When you started hating to go to work I knew something had to give.  This was also around the time your mom was very sick and your father and sister asked you to come home and help because your dad didn’t know how to take care of her and your sister had her own family.  Your brother traveled for work, so he was never home.  You made some amazing friends here, some who are still your friends today, like Shelly.

Again, it seemed as if God was leading the way…Mom was sick, you were miserable, you moved home for what you thought would be six months.  It has been over 9 years. 

How do I possibly sum up the past 9 years for you?  As you can tell, I am long winded, so not very easily.

In 2003, Cancer showed up again, in your 3 week old cousin Molly.  For whatever reason you started a prayer request and it turned into a journal which you later turned into a book.  Never thinking you were ever good enough, you never published it, but you have started a blog recently and people are finally getting to read it.  She touched your life to the core and forever changed all of the lives in your immediate family.  She truly was an Angel. 

 You bartended, applied for jobs, took care of your mom, got hired to become a quality control manager of which you had no experience but was a job that would last for 6 years, giving you a tremendous amount of experience in account management and bullshit.  You got laid off in June, which was supposed to be just a couple weeks.  You never got called back to work.  In this time, a bar became available and since it had always been a dream of yours, you thought it through and were told by everyone to do it, except your father.  You asked a gentleman for financial help, a guy who owns several bars and he made the mistake of telling you that you could never turn it into what it once was. So you bought it.  With the help of many friends and family you got it off the ground and away it went.  You knew it would do well, you didn’t know it would as well as it did.  I am sure you don’t need me reminding you of how hard this was on you, but it was and tore a little more into you each day.

Prior to the bar you had had a couple serious girlfriends whom your family welcomed, but they just didn’t turn out to be “the one.”  You thought you had met the one but she was going through a divorce and you ended up losing a lot of friends over it but eventually after so much drama, and a year later you two got engaged.  A phenomenon you never know could happen in your lifetime.  In the meantime your parents’ marriage is falling apart as well as your own and you don’t see it coming.  The love of your life, or so you thought, could not handle being with a woman and wanted her kids back full time.  This mostly was driven by her parents who told her to get her head on straight and realize that she was committing a sin and would go to hell.  In a span of four months you lose your mothers presence in the home, your parents’ marriage, your engagement, and then you have to put the only pet you have ever had in your entire life down, because she has a collapsed trachea.  Right before Christmas.   Oh, and don’t forget this is also when a group of vigilante drunk men decided to beat your father up, at the gas station in broad daylight, for something he was never involved with to begin with.  It was truly when you didn’t care if the bar burned down or not.  It was too hard when people asked about your parents.  It was too hard when your dad would bad mouth your mom in front of customers.  It was too hard working a block from your ex and having to see her get on with her previous family as if the year and a half you devoted meant nothing in the world.  For all intents and purposes, this was about to become your rock bottom.

A Letter To Myself, CONT.

Right around the time you were 12 or 13 though, something changed.  You didn’t like the word no or the phrase you can’t.  And that is when you started going to the Mayo Clinic.  You were fascinated with all the children who had the same condition you did, some so much worse, but you finally didn’t feel so different.  And you were REALLY fascinated with Dr. Nelson who repeatedly told you that your life was not going to be what you expected it to be.  You were told to stop playing sports.  That pissed you off so you didn’t.  I can remember one time in Junior High when you were playing basketball that your mom and dad refused to come to a game because you had just about every possible joint wrapped in an ace bandage.  They were embarrassed.  It wouldn’t be the first time you would humiliate them. 

Your first real boyfriend in High School was the cutest boy in school and how you landed him, no one will ever know.  You were so in love although your mom told you that you had no clue what it meant to be in love.  You swore you would marry him.  He was the first person to tell you that you were Gay.  It hurt you to the core.  And thinking he was doing you a favor he left you for someone else and married her.  They now have two beautiful children.

Your two best friends Michelle H. and Michelle M. are still your very good friends today.  When you were a freshman, you wanted to get a degree in P.E., but you didn’t want to be a teacher or an athletic trainer which were your options at the time.  By the time you were a junior, a new degree was available at Western Illinois University, called Fitness Management and you knew that is what you would do.  Mr. Tanner your guidance counselor said you wouldn’t last in a four year school.  Well we all know you did and we all know you graduated with honors and we all know you went on to get your dream job.  We also know this is the first time depression reared its ugly head and you would learn that you would have to deal with it for the rest of your life.

You could no longer see Dr. Nelson because she was a pediatric rheumatologist, so you simply decided not to see anyone ever again.  It wasn’t until recently that it showed up again and actually it probably has before then, but you most likely ignored it.

Although you have not had many jobs, the ones you have I feel you did very well.  Your very first job, at the Fairview Ice Cream Center, everyone wanted to work with you because you were so fun.  You made it fun.  After your internship in college you became the manager at the Fitness Center in 2 years, which was the shortest amount of time anyone had moved that far up and you even won a Customer Service Award.  You absolutely adored this job, until that fateful day.  And it would be after this day, that you never again felt beautiful, you never again felt smart, you never again felt worthy of anything.  Never again until you hit rock bottom in 2010.

I wish I could go back to that day and tell you not to get in the boat.  I wish I could beg you to not be so brave or so easily swayed by peer pressure, but you were in the best shape of your life and you swore you could do it.  It was after all your employee summer picnic, and you didn’t want to be the party pooper.  I remember the way you felt when you put that wetsuit on.  You could see your six pack abs and the definition of your quads in your legs…it was one of very few times you have ever felt so beautiful.  You did it anyway…you got in the boat.  And you attempted to barefoot waterski.  You got up once and went a little ways, but the next time, the next time, changed your life forever.  I won’t get into it because I know it is hard to listen to, but you spent a year at Physical Therapy, Ortho’s and Chiropractors, all of who refused to do surgery because you were so young.  You were 25.  You had to give up your favorite part of your job and focus more on the management behind the scenes stuff.  It was the people you loved being with and this was hard for you.

This was the same time you realized that you were attracted to women in a way that was going to extremely disappoint your family.  You had two major stressful things going on and to make it worse, your Grandma Rosie was dying of breast cancer.  You took her passing very hard as she was the first person you were so close to that passed away.  Your first girlfriend, during this very time, decided she really wanted to be with men.  Sadly it would not be the first time you were used as an experiment.  Of course you thought you would die and life was over but you didn’t and it wasn’t.  In fact, you actually began a relationship with a man thinking you too had made a mistake, but it didn’t take long to figure out his idea of a relationship was having one with you and other women.  It became pretty clear when your Company however asked you to drive in the Pride Parade which is the city’s annual festival for Gays and Lesbians.  I will never forget how honored you were or how much that whole day changed your life.  You didn’t know so many people “like you” existed.  There were hundreds of thousands of people of all sexualities, spending the day together in harmony.  It was like nothing you had ever seen.  It was definitely a moment that defined you.

Your next girlfriend, at least she didn’t go back to boys, but instead had another girlfriend at the same time.  This hurt pretty bad and you were again sure you were going to die.  But again, you didn’t.  This was about the time that you decided living alone was terribly expensive and became roommates with Scott and Heidi, whom you didn’t know at the time would turn out to be your best friends later in life.  You had a lot of fun here.  A lot of great memories.  In fact you actually had a boy in your room the night of their annual Halloween party…until Scott and another man were wrestling and ended up breaking the door to your room down.  We will never know what would have happened, but I like to think it obviously wasn’t meant to be. 

However, this is when online dating took off and met you a woman in Southern Minnesota.  This is the first woman you introduced to your family and strangely the one furthest from what you normally looked for in a woman.  She had two kids, was from a small town like you, had a really cool little house and you couldn't have been more different.  It is probably why you worked at the beginning.  Her family loved you, you loved them, but the drive (2hours) was killer.  By some act of God, a position became available near her for an Executive Director at a community rec. center.  You applied, never dreaming in a million years you would get it.  Well, I knew you would and you did.  So it seemed as if God had a plan.  You met Cara, you landed the job, and you were now running a multi-million dollar facility.

TO BE CONTINUED.....