Friday, December 28, 2012

My reason to be brave...

Why is it that when some people pass, even if we do not know these people personally, the grief is overwhelming?  Or that it hurts your heart?  Like truly, your heart hurts.

I was sad when my Grandpa passed.  But it was, as we say in our oh so articulate world we live in (sarcasm) "a blessing." A blessing?  We say a blessing before we eat.  We receive the blessing (if you are Catholic) at Mass.  The very word blessing means the following:

the act or words of a person who blesses
a special favor, mercy or benefit
a favor or gift bestowed by God
the invoking of God's favor upon a person
praise, devotion or worship, especially grace, said before a meal

Ok...so who receives the favor or gift from God?  The person who passes?  Or those who are left to grieve?  I honestly have no idea, but we sure do say it a lot.  And yes, I suppose when a person is suffering and that suffering ends, that is a gift, for everyone involved.  Personally I want to know why there has to be suffering in the first place, because it seems to me that incredibly wonderful people suffer the most.  Is it a blessing when someone passes quickly and unexpectedly?  What do we call that?  When we have no warning?

I suppose you could call cancer one of the biggest warnings of all.  Although, it is generally complications of the disease that eventually take a persons life.  I don't really care what happens in the process of cancer, I just know that I hate its life and the cells it rides in on.  And yes, I said hate.  Because I do hate it.  I have lost my fair share of friends and family to the son of a bitch.  Some went peacefully, others did not.  Some had it entirely too young, some older.  It is the only thing that exists in this world that is not prejudice.  Interesting no?  Cancer doesn't give a fat rats ass who it hurts.  Or the people it leaves behind to pick up the pieces.  I have friends and family dealing with cancer right now.  Is it a "blessing" that they "know" what may or may not take their existence from this earth?  I guess I would have to ask them that.  I can't imagine having that information being a blessing, but that kind of thing is different for everyone.

I did not host a benefit for my cousin Jetty because he is my cousin.  Or because his mother and I were close when we were younger.  Or because we spent our summers together growing up.  Or because our grandfathers were brothers.  I did it because I could.  It was that simple.  But I promise you this, the minute he showed up in the yard that day, my life was forever changed.  Cancer had a face.  Cancer was 5.  Cancer wanted to play ball and run and scream and giggle and paint his face. And in that minute, you don't hate cancer...because you cannot imagine that anything so horrible could ever take any of that innocence from that child.  But cancer is tricky.  Cancer is devious.  Cancer is a conniving asshole.  (By the way Jetty is doing good...I just like to express my hatred of cancer as brutally honest as possible.)

Cancer took someone else I knew, recently.  I didn't know her well, but her mother was my favorite teacher, ever.  And I have had a lot of teachers.  I got to meet Alissa once, at Target actually, I think they may have been getting stuff to go on their trip to Florida.  I remember thinking in that moment, first, I hate you cancer, second, Alissa looks so tired, but happy to be going on a trip and third, that Nancy looked as I always remembered her, ready to take on whatever came her way.  She was probably one of the most empathetic people I had ever met and let me tell you in 5th grade you don't even know what that means, but you will later.  And it will mean everything to you.

To be honest, I thought Alissa was doing well.  I hadn't heard any good or bad.  Then out of nowhere the news came flooding in.  Why? How? What? Where?  All the usual suspects showed up...mostly though, dear God...at Christmas?  Nancy, I am so sorry...even at 21 years old she is still your baby...how do you tell someone you are sorry that they have to say goodbye to their baby?  AT CHRISTMAS?  And why in the hell is this hitting me so hard in the solar plexus?  Maybe because at 21 I never gave one thought to never seeing 22.  Did she wonder when?  Did she wake up everyday and think, this could be the last day?  I will never know and frankly it's none of my business...but it is stuff that goes through your head...

I will attend another visitation tonight.  And I will tell a family I am sorry.  Sorry that this and every single Christmas after this will never be the same.  And I will go, not only to show my love and support, but to comfort myself.  And I really don't understand how comforting oneself can happen by watching others hurting, but that is just how it works...

Her mom posted on FB this morning, how grateful she was for her family and friends and the prayers...and how Alissa would have wanted her life celebrated and I think to myself, here she is comforting others, when it should be the other way around, but perhaps that is what is comforting to her.

I don't believe I have what it takes to be a nurse that helps children, hell, anyone with cancer.  I just don't.  I don't know how I could not take that stuff home with me.  So, I will do the only other thing I know how.  I will volunteer.  And I will build houses, or I will help at the hospital, or I will deliver toys, or I will host more benefits, but I will not walk away from this.  I can't.  I have been in contact with St. Jude and I can promise you that when I get my assignments, everyone I know will know about them.  Because every single person I know has been affected by cancer, either personally, or through someone they know.  I don't want to know how many different types of cancer there is, because it is unfathomable to me...too damn many...but everywhere you turn, there it is.  So cancer?  Since I have no other way to kill your ass, I will just get in your face.  You can take lives.  Day in and day out, you can take them.  But you cannot take a persons spirit.  Nothing can. And if something does?  Well then I hate that too.  So...this begins my crusade against cancer.  The most prejudice biggest ass bully I know.  And I have never liked a bully.

Nancy, you and yours are in my thoughts today and tomorrow.  Actually, you haven't left them since I heard the news...but I want to thank you.  Thank you for making us all feel better about what you have to endure the next two days because frankly I cannot imagine it.

Last Saturday I believe I said to my mother, that I think I know why God didn't give me any children.  You don't stop being a parent.  Ever.  So they are adults at 18?  So what.  You still ache and break and bend for your child...and I personally don't know that I could survive losing a child.  I really don't.  He did give me the ability to fight for children though.  And so I will...

Bring it on cancer...bring. it. on.

When you stand up and hold out your hand...
in the face of what I don't understand...
My reason to be brave.


Monday, December 17, 2012

Free Will...

I had an entire blog written about this past weeks events, but I could not bring myself to publish it.  Interesting for me since I really don't care if I upset people with my opinion.  It's just that, my opinion.  But I will say the following and then it will most likely be the last time you hear from me about it.

As humans we want to know WHY.  We want to associate a reason for everything that happens.  There was no God, God was removed from school, blame the gays, stricter gun laws, blame Obama, blame Dr.'s for not prescribing the correct meds, blame the government for removing mental health care funds...the point is, people are going to blame whoever they want, based on whatever their OWN beliefs may be, because that is just how we function, we have to blame someone.  Or something.  The point is, the person to blame is no longer here.  We will never know.  The police will form an opinion on it, but we will never know the real reason.  Speculating why really doesn't do anyone any favors.  Especially the survivors.  Because getting the answer will not bring them back.

I don't know why.  I don't know why right now there are 20 kids somewhere in America who are starving, who are malnourished, who are being beaten, abused mentally, emotionally and physically, who are being bullied because of their beliefs, or worse yet taken and being used in human trafficking...since that is out of sight and out of mind, we don't have to think much about it...but it's happening.  Right now as I type this.  No I am not minimizing what happened in CT, it just happens to be what is at the forefront of the new age of technology today, and what happened will be in our faces for quite awhile.  It's raw.  It's horrible.  It's unfathomable for most of us...but so much happens daily that is, so much that we never see.

I don't have kids.  I am not about to tell you or anyone what kids should be told on how to deal with this or cope or understand.  I am 40 and I don't understand.  I do understand that I am not going to spew my opinion on WHY because I have no earthly idea.  Blame God?  Or his lack of presence?  Hypocritical.  Some horrible crimes have been committed by people who were raised in God fearing homes.  I blame no one but the one who instituted the whole act.  I do not know what was missing in his life or what caused him to go to these extremes, but he did and the reality of it is a lot of innocent people are no longer alive.

I was born and raised Catholic.  I am not going to explain anything about my religious beliefs or how I was raised or why.  I will tell you that there are two words that my mother told me, probably within the last 15 years, that will resonate with me for the rest of my life.  And it is what I believe.  And it is what I need to believe to get me through every single day of my own life, which is the only one I need to be concerned about.  Those two words?  Free Will.  He gave us Free Will.  Does that make it easier for me to understand why some children will never grow up?  No, but it allows me to place the blame on the one person who carried out this heinous crime.  And only him.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

For the record...

People make me laugh.  Sometimes.  Sometimes they make me cry.  Sometimes they piss me off.  Sometimes they make me sick to my stomach.  But mostly, I laugh, because I am never more amazed at the stories some people create based on having no actual facts.  Totally missing the boat if they don't volunteer to read to children at the library!  It has to be tiring though, coming up with a story?  Me?  I just go to the source...(Emily you will appreciate that) because if I want to know something why not ask the person themselves?

Anyway, the stories about why I moved out of Dad's house are cracking me up.  So let me just set the record straight, so everyone can get back to focusing on the task at hand, which is the upcoming Holidays, and not worrying about me!

Just the facts...

The decision to move was not sudden.  Actually I was thinking about it 13 years ago when I moved home.  For a million reasons, I remained in the house...however it wasn't healthy, not for me.  Approximately 2 months ago I inquired about this house and in all actuality is was not available, so I moved forward with getting interviews in Minnesota.  That didn't work out.  I inquired about the house again a couple weeks ago and it was available.  No more and no less than that.

Dad DID know I was moving.  He is aware that I am no longer there.  His not being present when I left was purely a coincidence.

There was no major blow out with Dad or any other member of the family.  This should have happened a very very long time ago.  A very large part of me stayed there because I didn't want to commit and if I did, I anticipated it would be out of state.  I finally jumped at an opportunity that presented itself.  The timing was perfect.

I did not buy the house, I am renting, from probably the two best landlords I have ever had in my life.

No one gave me $ to move, I have done this all on my own.  And contrary to popular belief or whatever may have come out of my fathers mouth at any point in time, his monthly expenses are not going to drastically decrease because I am no longer there.  I didn't cost him a fortune by living there.  I am guessing all his bills will remain the same.

I still have my job with Sister.  My "commute" is 20 minutes.  I personally know of others who drive a helluva lot farther than that...and it's not a big deal.  I still take Dalton and Kolbie to school who happen to appreciate that the car is nice and toasty warm when they get in it now!

Brodie is adjusting just fine.  I am increasing his meds until he gets comfortable, which he actually is doing better than anticipated, but mostly I think he senses my peace and happiness, which in turn makes it easier for both of us.

I did feel a sense of obligation to remain with Dad after the divorce, because frankly the man doesn't like being alone, but after my return home from Minnesota it was damn well past time for me to start worrying about myself...and it is a decision I should have made a very long time ago.

I have no idea how my brother feels about it or frankly if he even knows...we haven't discussed it.  Sister is super happy, but it was incredibly bittersweet for her...she will be fine.  I am sure this will be the best for all of us.

I don't think there is anything else off the top of my head that I need to confirm, but if something else comes up I will be sure to let everyone know.

Brodie and I absolutely love our new place.  I think he needs a friend, perhaps a kitten, but for now, we are getting settled and enjoying having something to call our own.  I have taken care of everyone else's needs for long enough, it's about us now...and to be brutally honest, I am at a peace I completely forgot existed or quite possibly have never even experienced.