My moral compass and trash bags of money...

I have a moral compass.  It gets in the way of a lot of things.  I believe it even leads most people to believe I am a “goodie two shoes,” which cracks me up, because I am nothing like that.  I don’t know how people get their compass, I think some of it is innate and some of it is learned.  We are all very different.  There are things I watch people do every single day that I would never dream in a million years of doing.  The part that I think gets confusing for some is that even though I wouldn’t do something, doesn’t mean I think I am better than that person.  It’s my choice.  We all make choices, every single day.  Just because I don’t agree with a choice YOU make, doesn’t mean I judge you.  Maybe it means we won’t hang out.  Maybe it means we don’t roll the same way.  Whatever floats your boat?  My moral compass is MY moral compass.  I can’t control it.  Well, I can, but it is what drives me every single day.  Not necessarily there to choose between good and evil, but asking me if the choice I am about to make is something I can live with.

With that being said…if I found a garbage bag of money in a trash can at a gas station, I would think I was being set up.  That would be my first gut instinct.  I was on camera.  Being tested.  And that if I grabbed it, a camera crew would run out and handcuff me.  Why would I think that?  Because according to my friend Sara, I always expect the worst.  Why?  Because it usually happens.  I would not think initially my GOD, this is the best luck ever…and take it.  Because I couldn’t sleep at night, knowing that I just did something that could inevitably make my life much, much worse.  Do I want that bag of money?  More than I want to breathe, but I would run through 100 reasons why it was not there for me to take.  It’s probably drug money, it’s probably marked, and it’s probably being used in a set up to catch a killer.  If it was $20 only sitting there just waiting for someone to love it, hell yes I would take it.  Snooze you lose.  I mean it’s in the trash…if I watched someone drop it, I would tell them so

…

So, the moral of this story is that I am driven by a force that for the most part I cannot control…I am not even sure that I would go tell the worker in the gas station…because I also couldn’t live with myself if I told them and they took it.  I would pretend I saw nothing.  What I don’t know won’t hurt me.

Wiping the slate clean...

I believe in signs.  Signs, signs everywhere there’s signs, blocking up the scenery, breaking my mind…or however the song goes.  If I want to see them.  Kind of like when someone is talking.  Am I hearing them or listening to them?  If I see a sign, do I know it’s a sign when I am seeing them?  How are we supposed to know?  There isn’t another sign that says, hey, be ready, a sign is on its way.  Good signs or bad signs, I believe in them.

For instance, a couple weeks ago, it was a Monday morning; I arrived at work and did my normal routine.  Turn on the lights; crank the air (because I am hot and someone else in the office is cold so I like to get it nice and FROSTY before that someone else arrives.)  Turn on the copiers, retrieve the faxes, turn on my computer, go grab a cup of coffee while that is booting up, so that when I sit back down, I am ready to start my day.  I sit down, my Spotify starts playing and then BAM!  The screen goes black and it sounds like a gerbil is inside of my laptop working on his DJ Mixing skills.  Don’t ask me why that is what I thought of, because I have never seen one do such a thing, but you get the idea.  Long story short, my hard drive crashes.  Actually burned.  Actually, crashed and burned.  It got too hot; probably because of the smoking amount of work I put through it in a day, but mostly because HP is dumb and put the HD too close to other things in the computer that caused it to pretty much catch on fire.  Or at least that is what Robert (who fixed it) tells me.  Bottom line.  I have to basically have it rebuilt, whatever I had on it, was lost.  Luckily my very most important documents were on a flash drive.  So what may have initially appeared to be a horrific deal was minimized slightly with that realization.  However, if you know me, you know how much I HATE TO BE BOTHERED WITH STARTING OVER…but I had no choice.  What was this sign?

Last Sunday, I took my not so happy ass down to sit at the river.  Alone.  And I was alone until Chris and Melissa showed up, which was totally fine, that didn’t bother me.  And if you know me, you know I wear my phone in a waterproof pouch around my neck, because someone is always calling or texting wanting to know what is going on or who is where or what the hell ever.  Today was no different.  But I got hot.  And I put it on Melissa’s little side pouch on her chair and sent her on her way to go make me a sandwich…yes I asked, she didn’t offer, she is a good enough friend that I can do that.  And plus she makes amazing effing sandwiches.  Long story short, I grabbed my phone when she returned with the sandwich to answer a text and my dog smelled them and jumped in my lap…it all happened so fast it was several minutes before I realized it was gone…but I had never left my chair, so I knew it was floating down the river.  Poor Chris took off running down river to see if he could catch it, but it was gone.  Probably when the Hawk swooped down and took it.  But anyway.  There goes the one thing that I have with me more than fingernail clippers and chapstick.  And I didn’t care.  I remember thinking, DAMNIT, I JUST BOUGHT THAT KICK ASS OTTERBOX COVER.  But not that I lost my phone.  At this point, I was grateful to not be able to be contacted, but as usual reality sets in and you realize it’s gone.  And you just lost all your contacts.  THE SECOND TIME IN SO MANY WEEKS TWO MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL problems occur.  Like big deals.  Except wait, I utilized the find my phone App and realized my phone was apparently sitting in a bean field somewhere, UP RIVER…would I like ICloud to back up my contacts on it?  HELL YES I DO, ARE YOU NEW?  And that is honestly how I was able to salvage my contacts.  Approximately 24 hours later I lost communication with my new Otterbox and the device in it.  I did attempt to look for it, but no luck.  If you know me, you know how much I HATE TO BE BOTHERED WITH STARTING OVER…so here we go again…what’s this sign telling me?

Well obviously not that life was over, because it’s not.  It goes on.  Somehow it always, always goes on.  And because of these things I was reminded of a statement Nic made when we were on our Road Trip to Minnesota/Wisconsin.  She said I cannot see you enjoying this, up here, this solitude, I mean like permanently, you know, every single day.  You are too much of a people person, big city, and bright lights.  And yet the happiest I am or have ever been is when I am exactly just that…secluded.  We had spotty phone service at best…I didn’t care.  I went kayaking with my best friend in the whole world and just thought, my God, I could do this every morning and every night. 

The truth is I have been asking God, for a long time now, if I should move back up North.  I would move to Hawaii tomorrow but uh, that’s far far away and far more expensive.  But there is something in my bones that truly loves ALL FOUR SEASONS.  And let’s be honest, right now, the weather is screwed up everywhere…but I love winter, I love spring, I ADORE fall and Summer and I are becoming friends.  Anyway…I wanted him to give me a sign.  Anything.  Did he catch my computer on fire?  I don’t think so, but when I asked him for a break, I broke my leg, so I guess anything is possible.  I would be okay.  Not being in the center of hubbub or commotion.  I did the city thing, and I loved it…but I am ready to settle down I guess.  It’s not for everyone, I get that.  Did he make me drop my phone in the water the other day?  I think it was a dog and a sandwich actually, but it did make me stop and realize how much I DID NOT MISS looking at it every 15 minutes.

I moved home because I wanted to take care of my mom and because I hated my employers at the time.  I stayed home because I met a little girl named Kolbie and I fell in love with her.  And got to watch Bella and Ethan grow up, and met a little girl named Molly who would change my life forever, and weathered many familial storms, and ran my own business…who really cares at this point why.  I am not stuck here.  I am not stuck anywhere.  I think a part of me desperately wished that I had done something (like buy a house) or met someone that would KEEP me here, so then I wouldn’t have to choose…does that make any sense?  But it’s not up to anyone else…it’s up to me.  I am the only one taking care of me and the only one that has for a very long time.

Everyone asks well do you have a job yet?  What are you going to do? Uh, my job doesn’t define me…I can and will find a job; I am not worried about that.  Actually I am not worried at all.  I believe I will end up where I am supposed to end up.  For a long time I have been trying to keep the scattered pieces of the puzzle that is my life, if not together, at least close by, but sometimes they just don’t fit.  And I think people will be surprised to know that I don’t feel like I fit in a lot of places…

In the past two weeks I have had to completely wipe the slate clean in regards to two important aspects of my life, mostly communication, but still a big deal.  I think the sign says it’s ok to wipe it all clean. 

New slates are made every. Single. Day. 

The answer my friend...

Yikes.  Been a long, long, long, time since I blogged.  I guess I got so caught up in turning 40, that I couldn't be bothered with blogging!  40 feels so far, exactly like 39.  However!  They say your 40's are your best years!  I think "they" also said your 30's were too.  "They" are also the ones who are responsible for the statement, "they said it wasn't supposed to rain today."  I don't know who the hell THEY are but, screw them.  Life is what you make it, whatever damn age you are.  This is also why I have an umbrella in my car, and mittens at all times.  For when it does rain, or it is colder than "they" said it would be.

I am feeling a lot of emotions today and one of them is that cussing is making me feel better, so I am apologizing in advance for my mouth.  Feel free to stop reading this now. 

My birthday trip was wonderful.  Couldn't have asked for a better weekend, weather, people, etc. wise.  I honestly do feel like I am going home when I am there.  Always have, since I was a little girl.  I had known from probably the age of 10-11 that I wanted to live up there.  I am not sure if it was because as a family, when we vacationed up there every summer, it was the happiest two weeks of our lives.  Or if it was because one minute you were in the city and the next you were surrounded by beautiful pine and birch trees and the air was so fresh.  Or if it was because there is something about being on a lake when a loon calls that calms you.  Or, I could continue boring you with the 1000 reasons I love it up there, but I will stop there.

The decision to go there was pretty spur of the moment really...I mean about a month or two in advance, but I had planned to sit home and do what I can do every weekend which is plant my ass in my river chair and soak up some rays.  But, I decided I wanted to go up there, it had been too long.  Great decision.

My BF Heidi, who is basically an extension of my family, and her family had built (and are still) building a cabin in Northern Wisconsin, about an hour from Duluth/Superior (in my Top 5 favorite places I have ever been.)  It seemed like a no brainer.  My other BF literally lives across the St. Croix river from Heidi and it seemed like a no brainer to spend this day with them.  And I did.  And it was literally one of the best birthdays on record.  I was sitting on a pontoon with my BF's, Sister, and Nic and Em, on a lake "up north" surrounded by pine trees, when I turned around and saw two loons.  They never made a sound, but they were there.  If you haven't heard a Loon call,click here...it's an amazing sound.  And it was probably the best birthday present ever.  I don't believe I have a picture of them because I was too busy snapping the camera every time Sister yelled to get a picture of something else.  But they were there. 

I also want to clarify that my sister went with because it was my 40th birthday.  Not because it was Minnesota/Wisconsin.  She would have preferred the Caribbean or Vegas, but she went because of the milestone, not the destination.  And if you aren't aware, she has never been fond of the place, not like I was all those years...but she loved it.  And relaxed for the first time in years.  For 3 days she didn't have to scoop crap, write township checks, donate time to her community/church, etc.  NOT that any of those are bad, but it had been awhile since she was able to do that.  I am glad she was able to go and actually enjoy it.  I think she may understand a little bit better now, why it's always felt like home in my heart.  At least I hope so.  

  

Anyway...I asked the question, should I stay or should I go.  Go.  Everyone gave the same answer.  It should come as no surprise to me that that was the overall response...but sometimes, you like to get other's input.  How does that saying go?  Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer?  Well the answer is not should I stay or should I go, the answer is when will I be going.  I will let you know when I do. :)

Until next time, look for some new questions of the day.  I need to start writing again...it's in my best interest.

I ain't settlin'...

Ok, so I am way behind on my Blog as well as my questions of the day.  The last question I posed was something like, in your relationship, what is the one thing you would not compromise or settle on?  There were some great ones, like who you could or could not be friends with, family comes first, raising the kids, physical abuse, cheating, someone who doesn’t want to work, honesty, and respect to name a few. 

The reason that I asked this is because I refuse to settle.  So I guess I have accepted that I will probably be single for the rest of my ever loving life.  Let’s be honest, I fear commitment.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  The bar was a HUGE commitment and it damn near killed me.  I refuse to buy a house, because God forbid I sign a contract requiring me to STAY somewhere.  Yes, I know I can sell the house; people do it every single day.  But if I were to buy a house it take away my complete and utter ability, that I currently have, to pack up my shit tomorrow and go across the country if I wanted.  Commitment of any kind, but especially of the relationship kind freaks me out.  The last one I made regarding a personal relationship obviously didn’t end well for me and well, I haven’t been in one since.  And I refuse to be.  I don’t trust people.  Probably my biggest problem.  I mean who the hell can PROMISE you forever.  None of us can promise forever.  Obviously everyone that gets married or belongs to a committed relationship has some faith that it does mean forever and that that person is being honest with you about everything. 

I like my freedom.  If I want to go to bed at 7, I want to go to bed at 7.  If I want to drink beer after work, I want to do so.  If I want to leave on a Friday morning to go out of town for the weekend, I don’t want to have to coordinate that with someone else.  I just want to go.  I don’t want to have to be home at a certain time to make “supper.”  I like having to answer to NO ONE.  Now, with that being said, I am a hopeless, hopeless romantic.  When I am in a relationship, I adore it.  I adore the responsibilities that come along with it.  The compromises one has to make to make it work, because it is a lot of work.  I refuse to be in a relationship without communication…probably because by nature I am a communicator.  If that person is crabby or whatever, they just need to ask for space…but ignoring me just pisses me off.  I don’t have to know exactly what is wrong, cause sometimes not even I know when something is wrong with myself, but I damn sure know how to say, hey, leave me alone, I am not in the mind to visit.  I find this so simple, most people don’t. 

Bottom line, I cannot, and will not, be with someone who cannot communicate.  It is so vital to me.  Vital…like breathing.  I want to talk about my day and I want to hear about theirs.  If they are not happy, I want to know.  If they are happy, I want to know.  If they need space, say so.  To be honest, if I had to list all the things I will not settle or compromise (like my individuality, it stays intact, I don’t care who you are) but at the top is communication.  I must have it. 

I will just let Sugarland carry this one out...hit it guys...