What if God was one of us...

Here is a startling fact for you.  And depending on what age you are, this tidbit of information gets worse as you get older.  Everyone has a secret.  If that wasn’t enough, everyone actually has a secret that would break your heart.  Well, maybe just mine, as I am not like most people.  And when I say that what I mean is that I have this insanely stupid faith in people.  Insanely.  Stupid.  Perhaps I am really just naïve and it has nothing to do with faith at all?  I can seriously look at most people, except for the blatantly obvious  ones you know suck right away, and instantly give them the benefit of the doubt.  Do I have secrets?  Sure, who doesn’t?   But I can honestly say that my keeping these secrets is NOT HURTING anyone else but me. Meaning, no one else’s life will change as a result of knowing them.  At least it shouldn’t.

The point of this rubbish is, “what if God was one of us?”  Seriously.  Ok, so you don’t believe in God, ok, you can stop reading the post now…this post isn’t about that.  I was born and raised Catholic.  I do believe in a higher power.  I have a lot of questions about faith, religion, God in general, but my question for right now, this second is simple.  What. If. God. Was. One. Of. Us?  This questions poses a HUGE PROBLEM FOR ME.  HUGE.  I will tell you why.

I can understand to some degree, God coming to us in the form of a needy person, homeless, whatever, or just someone who needs help.  And it is our choice to help them.  If I walk away without helping them I personally walk away wondering what if that was my test?  And I just miserably failed?    I feel that way about a child, an animal.  God doesn’t have to arrive in adult form.

My problem with this is what if God was one of us and that person is someone who hurts you, or lies to you, or cheats on you, or whatever?  In some way harms you.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever?  Then what is the lesson to be learned?  To remove that person from your life?  They say everyone comes into our lives for a reason…

I believe I have completely confused myself.  I don’t know how many people I know follow that philosophy, “what if God was one of us.”  Maybe fewer people than I realize.

I just know I treat people the way I want to be treated.  And with respect.  Until they do something that directly affects me.  And when I lose respect for someone, I honestly cannot repair that.  Am I the only one who has this problem?  

The Answer My Friend...

Answered itself!

Ever have those days where you are just simply overwhelmed?  It’s not even that today was swamped at work it’s just a lot going on in my brain I guess. 

Anyway, the fork in the road, crossroads dilemma I was at yesterday?  It answered itself.  Sometimes the world has a way of doing that for you so you don’t have to think about it.  Interestingly I had made a decision, thank you AMANDA DOUGLASS!  And when I went to commit to it, the offer had been removed.  I was slightly disappointed only in that it was a helluva an opportunity for me, but shit happens right?  It’s not always bad shit!  I was happy with either outcome.

I am probably most overwhelmed at the Benefit I am throwing for St. Jude and cousin Jetty.  It is a tremendous amount of work that requires a lot of helpers and God Bless America I have some awesome friends and family helping out.  I love you all dearly and will never be able to thank you properly.  I just know that no child should ever, ever, ever have to go through Cancer or any other terminal disease.  What St. Jude does for children and families is unfathomable to me and every little bit helps. 

I know that as exhausted as I am, I feel like I am doing something far bigger than I will ever be doing again or accomplish in my life. 

So with that, thank you for all the advice yesterday!  I got it figured out now!

Heard this song for the first time today.  If you know me at all, AT ALL...you will know why I love it without having to ask me why.

Hey St. Jude!

I cannot watch this without a tear and major goosebumps...

At the crossroads

So I am at a fork in the road...actually, I have been here many times before, but because I can't make a decision or a commitment to save my life, I just turn around and go back a ways and then, as with life, I just end up back at the same fork in the road.  And they say, when you have a tough decision to make, flip a coin.  What you wish it will land on when the coin is in the air, is what your heart really wants.  Well guess what?  I am ok with whatever it lands on.  But I need to be making some BIG ASS changes and real quick like, as I am running out of time.

So with that...what DO YOU DO, when you have a big decision to make.  Yes it is life changing.  One a little less extreme than the other...but a big life change is inevitable.  What are the questions I need to be asking myself?

Some days, honestly, I feel like that song...Colder Weather...I feel like I have been born for leaving...my whole, entire life.

Ok...ready for your advice!

Go to hell!

I don't normally post blogs like this, or even comment too much about things like this on my Facebook...but this is my blog and I can certainly say whatever the hell I want.

This goes out to a very NOT SO SPECIAL someone who basically was a complete fraud and total waste of my time.  In the almost 2 years I have known you, we have been through a lot.  A lot of ups and downs.  But I never lost respect for you, because when and/or if I lose respect for another human being it is impossible to get it back.  Sort of like forgive/forget.  At this point I won't be able to do either.  And with all of the respect I had for you, you managed with one single sentence, to remove that.

I have asked you to leave me alone and I hope you do.  Actually, I have virtually made it impossible for you to contact me in any way shape or form.  And trust me, there are a 1000 ways a person can contact another person, so that wasn't easy!

I have wished you well, I have congratulated you on your (not so new) relationship, I have supported you and the incredibly difficult battle you have ahead of you and your family, but none of those things should have allowed you to be so cruel.  The sad part is you will not lose any sleep over how you treated me because people like you just don't.

I have no regrets, because life is life and you live and you learn and sometimes you don't know why people come into your life, but they do...good or bad they do.  Some people just simply teach you valuable lessons...like that it is OK to not trust someone thinking they are just out to hurt you, because sadly, they are going to wind up doing just that.

Anyway...this goes out to you.  Enjoy...

Kickin' For A Cure

KICKIN’ IT FOR A CURE

WHAT                        All Ages Kickball Game! (events all day long)

WHEN                        Saturday, October 20^th, 2012 (11AM Kids game, 3PM Adults)

WHERE                       Tiff’s Big Backyard (Host Tiffany Buckman)

WHY                           To raise $ for my 5 year old cousin Jetty Fauser (Matt & Jeni Buckman Fauser) who is battling ALL-Leukemia.  All proceeds are going to St. Jude towards the Give Thanks. Walk event for Jett on November 17^th.  Go Team SuperJetty!

HOW MUCH                $20/per person

INCLUDES                 Event t-shirt, wiener roast and 1-entry into the raffle (need not be present to win)

For more information contact:

Tiffany Buckman                                                                  Kelli Hand
554 IL ST RT 97                                                                  PO Box 72
Maquon, IL 61458                                                                 Woodhull, IL 61490
309-335-2388                                            309-334-2377 or 309-973-6336
tbuck34@hotmail.com                                                         kellidawnhand@gmail.com

Riding with Dalton and Kolbie

Me: What the heck Kolbie, you are all dressed up, where is your Bears jersey!  BEARS PACKERS!
Kolbie: Pictures
Me: Dalton, where's yours?  OH WAIT, you are a STEELER fan.  My bad.  LOSERRRRRR.
Pause...............
Kolbie: I got my phone back
Dalton: Yeah, tell she throws it and breaks it again
Kolbie: Dalton you are so stupid...
Kolbie: I met a hot guy
Me: Uh, let's clarify, GUY?  Is he older than Dalton?
Dalton: She has no idea
Kolbie: Shut the hell up Dalton, he's 11-12.
Me: He's a kid then, not a guy, but call him what you will, where did you meet him?
Kolbie: Dalton's game.  So and so walked by him and was like, oh hey you are hot and I was like um hmmm and yeah that's how it went.
Me: So he just happen to give you his #? Where the heck is he from?
Kolbie: Bushnell
Me: Bushnell Praire City?
Kolbie: Uh, no I said Bushnell
Me: Right, ok, anyway, do you know how far away that is, it's a long ways, are you ready for a long distance relationship?
Dalton: She doesn't even know what the hell that is.
Kolbie: Dalton you are an idiot.
Me: Ok, next, Dalton do you have a gurrrrl squirrel?
Dalton: Shaking head yes.
Me: Choking on my drink,WTH, I go get one lousy organ out, no one tells me crap
Dalton: Yesterday, it happened yesterday and thanks a lot now the bitch in back knows
Me: Kolbie is just finding out now too?  Who the heck is it?
Dalton: Kelsie, CJ's daughter and yeah, cause she has a big mouth
Kolbie: Dalton you are an ass
Dalton: And you are a bitch
Dalton: And speaking of, you need to back the hell off so and so...
Me: Who the hell is so and so?
Dalton: Someone she used to date
Me: SHE IS 10 who dates at 10
Dalton: She's dated like 6 guys
Me: Jesus, does the Dad know
Dalton: The Dad is home once a week, he doesn't know shit
Dalton: Well he has an idea
Me: So you basically have to take care of her for me, since the Dad is gone
Dalton: I do, but I think she's a bitch
Kolbie: D**K
Me: Bitch or no bitch, she is your sister and she is all you have, so you better have her back
Dalton: Oh I have her back, and her neck when she is messing with so and so
Me: You strangle her?
Dalton: Only when she was pissing me off and messing with so and so and I didn't really strangle her, it was more like grabbing her under her arms
Me: Can you have her back without actually touching her please?  She's fragile.
Dalton: Yeah, fragile my ass
Me: You guys do know I record everything, and I Blog it to the entire world.
Dalton/Kolbie: HUGE LAUGHTER, are you serious?  Sweet!
Me: Yeah, so watch your language, do you even know what a Blog is?
Dalton: Yes, laughing hysterically
Me: Oh, good, cause I am so proud of both of you
Me: Oh thank God, we have arrived at school
Me: Kolbie put that phone in your book bag and leave it there till you get home so you don't drop it or lose it
Kolbie: I take it out on the bus
Me: Oh good, so someone can steal it and or you lose it
Kolbie: My bus driver is an idiot, she drives in ditches
Me: Hey, I am your bus driver and I have never drove in the ditch
Kolbie: God, I wasn't talking about you Aunt Tiff

Plans...

Plans.

People make them.  People break them.  People build from them.  People create things from them. People organize with them. People ruin other people’s lives with them.  Some people don’t make them.  Some people don’t follow them. 

Personally I like a general plan.  I don’t need it down to the knat’s ass, but I like to have one.  Daily, in life, whatever.  I can get a little out of sorts if things don’t go according to “plan.”  I have had a lot of plans not come to fruition, so it is safe to say, I am out of sorts a lot.  I am trying to get better, seriously, because honestly, life is too short.  I am positive at the end of my life I will not say, I wish I had planned more.  I will probably say I wish I had lived more.

I do not think that death is the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

A lot has died inside me.  A lot.  Not including my gallbladder.  I cannot express in words how much better I feel having it out.  I told mom today that sometimes when you are so miserable for so long you don’t even remember what it feels like to not be.  But that is not what this blog is about…this blog is about plans.

Something happens to us all.  At some point in time.  We don’t know when, why or how, but it happens and it INSPIRES us to change.  Could be a person, a place or a thing.  I have spent hours, days, weeks months of my life looking for it…inspiration…but you can’t search for it, it just happens.

So, I was inspired the other night, during a show.  Stand Up for Cancer.  You may have watched, if not, it was extremely profound.  I was sitting there, at mom’s, for the SECOND time in 9 months recovering from a surgery…and it occurred to me that I was miserable.  Not being at my mom’s.  But with my body, myself, my life, my place in this world.  All of it.  And here were these little people simply fighting for their damn lives.  And adults.  And interestingly, they know what is making them sick.  They know the contender they are up against.  Some people don’t.  Personally, my biggest competitor?  Myself.  I get in my own way a lot.

Anyway, it was this moment when I decided to make a change.  And lots of them.  Get out of Dad’s house, get back to Minnesota/Wisconsin, REMOVE people in my life who are not contributing back to my happiness.  Try to not let my job stress me out cause we all know Sister doesn’t let it stress her out.  Eat better, move more, yadda yadda yadda.  Figure out a way to give back to those fighting Cancer.  Why?  Because I don’t have it and I can.  And it was then that it occurred to me that I don’t have a plan.  I have always had a general idea where and what I wanted to do and how I would get there.  And it was then that I occurred I no longer care.  I am going to jump, with both feet and Brodie and re-invent myself.  People do it every day.  I don’t need a plan.  And it was then that this occurred to me:

My cousin Jeni and her husband Matt did not PLAN on being told that day that Jett had Leukemia at 3 years old.  I am positive they had things planned for that night, the next day, whatever.

My Uncle Brad and Aunt Michelle did not PLAN on being told their daughter had a brain tumor and she would only live 10 weeks.  They had lots of PLANS.

My neighbor didn’t PLAN on his wife being in a terrible accident and now laying in critical condition.  Gramma didn’t PLAN on Grandpa quietly passing that day.  She had PLANNED on taking care of him for a lot more time.  My friend Tancy didn’t PLAN on having to treat a cancer, she didn’t even know she had or PLAN for.  The list goes on. 

My point is, I am done planning…and when I say planning I mean in the general scope of it.  I am planning to meet friend Friday to discuss this event I am PLANNING for Jett, to Kick Cancer’s Ass, but if for some reason we can’t get together, we will figure it out…life goes on.  I don’t know how it does it, but it does.  I am not going to PLAN because I will be extremely disappointed when it doesn’t work out.  I PLANNED to be dating someone and in a committed, serious, relationship by now.  We are all aware of how that’s worked out. 

All of those people, whose lives changed on a dime, had PLANS.  Big ones.  That is not to say that their plans have since changed, but they have…and they adjust and they adapt.

Right now my happiness is paramount.  Right now my heart is Up North, it has been for years.  Right now I am sending out resumes and applications as I speak to that very area.  Right now I am the most at peace with my life than I have been in ages.  Maybe all I needed to do was Stand Up to Cancer, who knows, I don’t even care.  Maybe I just needed to get my gallbladder out.  Maybe I just needed to get rid of some people in my life who were giving me nothing in return.  I honestly don’t know what flipped the switch.  I just now it flipped.

And I PLAN to do something about it.  J

Just don't get in white vans...

Holy long time NO BLOG.

Sorry bout that.  Must get better!

I have to get this one posted before it escapes me!

If you follow my Blog, you know I occasionally write about my "commute" to school to drop Dalton and Kolbie off.  Obviously school has only been in session for a few weeks and one of them I missed because of having surgery, so really, I haven't had a lot of car time with these gems.  But today...today I began the "pick up again."  And everyone should know how it went.

When I pulled into their driveway, I saw a little person standing under a tree on the other side of Brothers garage.  I initially thought well that is a strange place for a bus to pick a child up, but whatever.  Then it occurred to me that it may be neighbor Ian...and maybe Ian missed the bus, or his ride, or whatever.  No problem, I am taking these kids anyway.  In the back seat crawls Ian...

Me: Oh hey Ian, need a ride to school?
Ian: Yep.
Me: Ok then.  Well, good morning.
Ian: Good morning.
Me: Wonder where Dalton and Kolbie are?
Ian: I don't know, but I am ready for school
Me: Late as usual.  How's school Ian, do you like it?
Ian: It's good, I do like it.
Me: Who's your teacher.
Ian: Mrs. So and So...Kolbie also had her when she was in 2nd grade.
Me: (clueless) oh, is that right, well isn't that interesting.  Oh good, here they come.
Kolbie: Oh, hey Ian, what are you doing? (at this point I hope I am not kidnapping Ian and not being aware of it)
Ian: Going to school, what's it look like.
Kolbie: Well your hat is gay.
Ian: No it isn't, it's my brothers.  And it matches my shirt.
Kolbie: Yes, it's gay and it does not match your shirt.
Me: Kolbie, leave him alone, he looks fine, I can see the hat, but not his shirt, what shirt is it.
Ian: The one Miss Mathre ordered for the Ride
Kolbie: YEAH, THE ONE MY MOM SAID I DIDN'T NEED
Me: You don't, you have plenty of shirts, i didn't get one either
Dalton: Trust me she does have too many
Kolbie: Shut up Dalton you idiot, you don't know
Me: Dalton, (diversion) why do you have a Football helmet, I thought you stopped playing
Dalton: Uh yeah, that was so last week.  I changed my mind.
Me: When
Dalton: Last week
Me: Right, ok, well I was getting an organ removed and was a little under the weather.  I am so glad you guys called me to see if I was ok.
Dalton: We don't have phones
Ian: They do too have phones, I have seen them use them.
Kolbie: No we don't, they are broke.
Me: How did they break?  Dalton never leaves his room and usually you lose yours.
Dalton: She didn't lose it this time, she just threw it and broke it because it wasn't working.
Kolbie: Shut up jackass, no one asked you.
Me: Dear God, never mind, I think your mom said you would get your new ones tomorrow.  Try to take care of them.
Me: Dalton, I heard you went to the game Friday night with Bella and out for dinner.
Dalton: Yep.
Me: How was that?
Dalton: Eeeeeeeeeee, it was fun.
Ian: Wait a minute.  Bella is my brothers girlfriend, or she was.
Me: Sam?
Ian: Yeah
Me: I had no idea
Ian: Yeah, so how old is Dalton?
Me: Uhhh, 13.
Ian: Well my brother is 16
Me: Uhhh, ok, and Bella is 17, where we going with this Ian
Ian: Well she was with Dalton, that's weird
Me: Dalton and Kolbie are cousins Ian.  Her Mom and Dalton's Dad are brother and sister.
Ian: Weird if you ask me
Me: (to lady in the white van in front who is driving real slow), Lady, park it or sell it...I have kids to deliver and I am excited to get to work.
Ian: It looks like a van that carries artillery, she is probably transporting weapons
Dalton: Because you saw that on a video game
Kolbie: No it doesn't, it looks like a rapist, probably why she is driving slow, out looking to rape
Me: Dear God...you know to never get in any vehicle with a stranger, van or not, stranger danger
Kolbie: Duh, who the hell wants to get in a rapists van
Me: DON'T GET IN ANYONE'S VAN
Me: Oh, thank GOD look, we are finally at school
Kolbie: His shirt doesn't match his hat