Been a little while. Sorry. Haven't quite felt myself these days. I know it's strictly due to the fact that I am dreading Christmas. In ways I never dreamed I would. The first Christmas after Gram Rosie passed I thought it would be the worst. The Christmas after Molly passed was incredibly sad. The Christmas after you and Mom split I was positive I couldn't breathe. This Christmas? This Christmas I don't even know how to get to it. It's my favorite holiday. It was. Maybe it will be again someday.
The house is empty. Gram is getting it cleaned up and updated. It's so hard to go to Maquon. Even to see Gram or go to Sisters. It literally sucks the life out of me. Which entirely ironic to me because it's where yours ended.
The kids are good as far as I know. Percie is going through an incredible rough patch. She's still very much mourning you. And in the middle of that lost a new friend to a tragic incident that has really deeply affected her. I wish I could help her make sense of any of it. But I can't. I wish I could tell her it gets easier when you get older. But it just doesn't. I wish I could shield her and Ethan, Dalton and Kolbie from all things that cause sadness. I just can't. Sometimes I think it's why God chose for me NOT to become a parent. I think he knew I couldn't bear their heartbreak. I will never forget the day in the hospital this past 4th of July. When I found out no matter what, or how old I was (thank you Dr. Strunin for that reminder) that I would never be able to bear my own children, I told you this news. You grabbed my foot and said so matter of factly, "they ain't all they are cracked up to be." Which was your way of saying you were sorry. I wasn't happy that that choice was taken away from me. Nor was I happy when you were.
I know this seems like I'm down and depressed but things are really going well. I love my job. Adore it. I'm making wonderful new friends. Went to my first Blick Christmas party. I had a great time.
Gram just turned 87. Sister and I took her to lunch at Red Lobster and then shopping for a new recliner, which is something she's never had. Of course she found the one she loved within 5 minutes. Easiest sale of that mans life. We all went in and got her a new flat screen for Christmas for her upstairs living room. Yes we gave it to her early. Why not. She should enjoy every minute of it.
I hope you are doing well wherever you are. I miss you. I will keep you posted on whether or not I find Christmas.
I love you.
Where Are You Christmas-Faith Hill
No comments:
Post a Comment