I think people would be terribly surprised at how much music
goes through my head on a daily basis. I
suppose you could say I am a walking jukebox.
Sometimes, in conversation, someone will say something and I will just
finish their sentence by breaking out into song. Someone will say a word, and I will have
lyrics instantly go through my head, where that word may be the focus…doesn’t
even have to be the title of the song.
So naturally when I asked where people stood on forgiveness, a song
instantly entered my head. The Heart of
the Matter, by Don Henley. Click here if you would like to hear it for yourself.
The song pretty much sums a lot of stuff up really…the lyrics are pretty
spot on. If you carry around that anger,
it WILL eat you up inside.
Here is how I feel about forgiveness. I decide.
I decide who. When. Where.
And how. It’s that simple. Regardless of what happened or how it
happened, I may forgive, but I will never forget. A person has to make a choice when someone or
something happens that hurts you. It’s
all relative. I have asked for
forgiveness. I have done and said some
stupid things, things that have hurt people.
Probably when I was drinking. I
have never intentionally hurt someone just to hurt them. I don’t possess that quality. And trust me I know people who do. I know a lot of people who do things that
later should require being asked to be forgiven, but they refuse…I guess we all
beat to our own drummer.
There is people, alive, breathing, right now, this second,
who I will never forgive. No matter how
much time passes or what they could possibly come up with to apologize
with. I can physically look at these
human beings and seriously wish they stopped breathing. OH MY GOD!
Did Tiffany Buckman just say that?
Yes. I did. The men involved in attacking my father, (who
was a completely innocent bystander and who happened to be in the wrong place
at the wrong time,) who walked away completely scot free. I realize Karma is an actual thing. But I may not be around to see it. So to those of you who were involved, AND
THERE WAS A LOT OF YOU, I seriously see your faces in public, out enjoying your
lives and I seriously want you to rot in hell.
I do not forgive you. I never
will. I don’t walk around hating you or
letting it ruin my life. If I see you,
yes, then I think about it and yes, I hate your life. I do not lose sleep over it. I do not carry around anger and resentment. I simply despise you. Oh and while we are at it, I also despise the
entire police force on duty that night.
I get physically sick to my stomach when I see you out there “protecting
and serving.” Protecting and serving my
ass.
While I am on this roll, I may as well tell you there are a
few others I don’t or haven’t and won’t forgive as well. (Totally unrelated to the above mentioned
incident.) I do not forgive the “friends
and family” who were involved in the bashing I received in my last relationship. I don’t know that I ever will. Perhaps someone involved is reading this
right now and perhaps this will answer some questions for you. There are two sides to every story. People should seriously get both sides before
they involve themselves in a situation that doesn’t involve them. The things I was called. The things that were said about me and the
bullshit I allowed myself to go through at my own expense, I will never allow
another “group” of people to ever do to me again. I did learn a lot from this experience. Sadly how to not trust or believe words that
come out of people’s mouths, but if anything, to be a little more protective
with my heart.
I did not deserve the things you said or the way you treated
me. I did not deserve the following
words… “Clean up this mess, and you know it is a mess, and get rid of her, if
you want to keep your family intact.” I
feel sorry for these people actually.
Pathetic display of “family” I have ever seen in my life. Had I been treated like anything other than
the subhuman that I was, I would not feel this way. Unfortunately I wasn’t. Trust me when I say that no one has gone on
with their lives regretting having treated me like that. They are able to lay their heads on their
pillows at night knowing they were cruel and hurtful. Do they think about it? No idea?
Do I? Only when I see them or
something reminds me of the situation.
It doesn’t control my life. I don’t
harbor the kind of hate that makes me suffer because I can’t let it go. I did let it go. And the bible spouting Christians that they
are can deal with God when he is ready to deal with them. The God I pray to and the Jesus I believe in
did not want people treated like this. So
I absolutely adore when bible verses are thrown at me and am condemned because
of who I choose to love, even though that very same book they throw in my face,
is the same one that does not condone their behavior. People are interesting.
Anyway…there is my two cents on forgiveness. I will if I want to. I won’t if I don’t. Does it make me a bad person, I don’t know, I
am the one that has to live with that.
My lack of forgiveness affects no one but myself, so who gives a
shit?
The bottom line? To
each their own.
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