Dear Matt and Jeni--"I was here"

Dear Matt and Jeni-

Where on earth do I begin?  I seriously cannot remember exactly how the idea came about to do a Kickball game for Jett, but it was first posted on August 28^th to my group of Kickballerzs on Facebook.  Instantly my friend Kelli said, OH put me on the committee, I want to do this.  Shortly thereafter a few others piped in, Kim, Angie, Mandie, Amy Jo, Dee Dee, Jenell, Amanda, Ashley, you get the idea…that night, at our ONE AND ONLY committee meeting, Kelli asked me if I had an amount I wanted to shoot for.  I said $500.  She said and I quote “apparently you have never done a fundraiser with me.” Umm, no actually I haven’t.  She said how about we make our target $5000.  Well, I thought that was very lofty for our first time…but turns out she was right.

I am writing to tell you something I remembered the other night, as I was laying in bed thinking about how much has happened since the end of August.  I remember when I was making regular trips to the Mayo clinic for my JRA.  I was in the pediatric area at the time, so I didn’t just see kids with arthritis, I saw kids with everything.  I was a kid myself.  I remember one day when we were going in for my spinal tap and I was petrified.  I think I cried all night.  Sitting in the waiting room waiting, mom said “you have no idea how lucky you are.”  Well at 8 or 9 years old about to get this rotten procedure, I sure as hell didn’t feel lucky.  She said “you see those kids who have no hair?  They have no hair because they have cancer.  You have arthritis and no it is not fair to be your age and have it, but nothing about their lives is fair.”  “I will not allow you to be sad or feel bad, because what they have to go through is far worse than anything you will experience today.” “You really don’t understand and you won’t for a very long time, how lucky you are to only have what you have.” 

I am 40 years old and I just now got what she said.  It was weird how the memory came back…I haven’t thought about it in a very, very long time.

You already know that cancer has hit close to home.  My Grandma Rosie, Molly, other family and friends, but it changes you when you see cancer in your face.  I want to make sure I say this correctly because Jetty HAS cancer, but he is NOT CANCER.  I believe this whole event became a reality to all of us yesterday when he walked into the yard.  I know it did for me.  There was the face; there was the person this was all about.  5 years old.  He didn’t ask for this.  He didn’t wish this upon himself.  Nor did you and Matt or Jadey.  None of you wished for any of the struggles you have ALL had to endure.  But you 4 united and have dealt with every single thing God has handed you, which if you ask me has been nothing but adversity.  Cancer changes people, all illness does, no matter what it is.  Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, regardless it changes a person. 

I am positive when you go to St. Jude, the things you see and hear and watch and feel, are among things that most of us cannot fathom.   I also know you are in awe of what the facility accomplishes on an hourly basis…and I also know how grateful you are to have their services.

I do not understand God.  I never have.  I pray to him and I believe in him and all that jazz, but I will never understand some of things children have to go through.  I suppose someday I will.  Obviously you know I have no children of my own and there is a huge part of me that was scared of ever being a parent because I don’t think I could go through what you have.  I really don’t.  This was all I could do to help you.  The best part was you didn’t ask me to.  There is a tremendous amount of truth in the statement to give is to receive, because Saturday was all about giving.  I personally am blown away at the generosity of my family, my friends, my community…but most of all I know that every single person there did all of that before they ever got to meet you guys or see him run the bases, without a care in the world. There will be a 2^nd Annual Kickin It For The Cure regardless of Jetty’s status with cancer.  However it will forever be held in his honor.

I cannot thank you enough for being there, for showing up and for being the inspiration and the catalyst.  I don’t believe you and Matt will ever grasp how many people look up to you and pray for you and stand behind you.  I know that God only gives us that which we can handle and I think he has given you plenty.  I hope you sincerely know that each and every single one of us involved yesterday were touched in ways we never have been.

You are all my heroes…

You know, without having to tell me or talk to me that I have struggled to find my place in the world, doing everything I can for everyone else around me…rarely for myself.  It’s who I am, it’s what I do.  I have never been more proud of myself as I was Saturday and that is not an easy statement for me to make.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I may have left my mark.  I feel like I can finally say, I was here. 

THANK YOU…