Arriving at my destination…

In the shower this morning I was contemplating all of the weight I had gained since I closed Tiffany’s on Main…interesting concept since I was surrounded by food all the time, but I guess when you are you really do not eat as often as people think and you certainly do not eat food that you are cooking all day every day.  I miss that about the bar…the weight it helped me lose.  Obviously my body wanted it back since it found it already.

Anyway, out of nowhere came my own voice telling myself these exact words, well Tiff, if your “destination” is to get back to that weight, you will never arrive at your “destination” by doing nothing about it.  Well yeah duh Tiff, (that’s what I call myself when I talk to myself, Tiff), duh Tiff…think about all the “destinations” you have never gotten to because you have done nothing about it.  Thinking about it doesn’t get you there.  You have to move.  Mentally, emotionally and physically, MOVE.

I am very fortunate to have done and accomplished pretty much everything I have set my heart out to do.  I have said this 1000 times.  I knew when I was a freshman in High School what degree I wanted to pursue, I did it.  What school I was attending.  I did it.  What job I wanted.  I did it.  That I wanted to own my own business.  I did it. That I wanted to work on a cruise ship.  I did it.  Ok not for very long, but I did it.  I arrived at all of the destinations I chose by “moving” to do so.  Not just physically, but all the other elements as well. 

Ok Tiff, that is all fine and well, but what is your next destination?  Is it necessary to constantly have some place to go?  Even figuratively?  I think so and maybe this is my problem.  I am not ok, my soul is NOT ok, sitting around not having a place to go, a person to be.  To each their own, right?  Right.  Not everyone can live like this.  But I do believe it is the source of the large amount of discontent and disconnect I have felt with the world in the past 3 years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, get right with yourself and you will get right with the world.  You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.  Blah, blah, blah.  This is not about all of that mumbo jumbo.

Most people are ok just being…I think my therapist actually said those words once; can you try to just be…uh, be what?  Why?  What good does that do?  I know damn well I was not put on this earth to merely exist. 

One of my favorite things about my very first job was the interaction I had with people.  That I actually made a difference in a person’s life, especially when I was a Personal Trainer.  (I think I could use one of my own right now, but anyway.)  I felt important.  I do not function well when I feel as if whatever I am doing on your normal day to day basis is of no value to society.  If you have job suggestions that you feel would be good for me, I am all ears. 

It’s kind of catch22.  Owning and operating the bar was almost TOO close to people.  It was not just your employees but the entire general public, making demands.  The job I have now, I have very little interaction physically with people (other than co-workers) and not much on the phone, but it is a lot less stressful.  It could be argued that that is because I don’t do anything, but let’s not go there. 

The point I am trying to make is that so much emphasis is put on WHAT WE DO.  It apparently is supposed to define us.  People ask, so what do you do?  Where do you work?  In a perfect world it would explain the kind of person we are in real life, but in the real world, sometimes you have to do what you have to do, just to pay the bills.  Raise your hand if you are doing exactly what you said you would be doing when someone asked you all those years ago, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”  Kudos if you raised your hand!  Right now, my job would not correlate with my outgoing, hospitable personality.  I am sure a co-worker or two would say I am less than hospitable on some days but whatever. 

I am rambling.  My point and I do have one, is that I, Tiff, has felt since my return from Hawaii that I did not have a “destination.”  Oh but I do…and it is not one I am familiar with to be honest. 

I want a family.  I want to get married even though society says I can’t.  I want to raise children, although they will not be mine, because I am not personally giving birth to one.  I have simply run out of time for that.  Logically it is the next step.  I have seen a lot of the world, more than some people get to.  And I have done it mostly alone.  I am tired of being alone.  I am ready to share the experiences that I am about to have with another human being.  I would imagine that my friends who are married with children would say, girl, take advantage of your freedom.  Well I have…for almost 40 years.

It is hard to “arrive at your destination” when your feet are still stuck in concrete.  Do I feel stuck right now?  A little bit…but I got myself here.  I am so used to having a goal and a plan that I didn’t really see it coming.  The whole my feet got stuck issue.   There are days that being stuck is easier, much easier.  But I am over it.  Really, really over it.  Sometimes you have to make the things happen that you want to happen, very rarely do they just land at your feet.

So let my journey of “destination: family” begin.  And wish me luck.