Angry all the time...

I read this article the other day called “How to Stop Beingan Angry Person.”  Feel free to click on it and read the article if you so desire but to be honest it didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.  I actually printed it for Sister, which is funny, (well I think it is) because I am constantly telling her she is mean and hateful.  Which in reality is entirely different from being angry, which is what the article is about, so I guess I am admitting that UNCONCSIOUSLY I printed this article for myself?  Ok, I admitted that.  So we may as well keep the ball rolling and just keep coming clean.

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and I am an angry person.  It sounds funny, but perhaps I need a social group or a group therapy program with other angry people so I don’t feel so alone.  I suppose that you could call it Anger Management, but I am not worried so much that I have a problem with expressing my anger as much as I have a problem with being angry all the time. 

I think I have been for a while, been an angry person that is.  I can pretty much tell you the moment it started, where I was sitting, what time of day it was, who was there, what the room smelled like and the emotions that overwhelmed me that moment.  I am positive that was the turning point because I haven’t been the same person since.  The article mentions that how you handle anger goes back to your childhood, (or so they say.)  That is not the case with me.  I was not an angry child.  I was a sick child, but not necessarily angry.  And my home life was not full of anger.  I was not forbidden to express it.  My parents were not angry people that I can remember…so I can’t blame this on my childhood.   My back accident was a turning point for sure, but I swam in and out of that through the years.  That caused more depression than anger.  I suppose those two emotions co-exist, but I was more sad than angry.  No, the moment I am speaking of happened about 2.5 years ago.  Perhaps I never properly dealt with it and that is why I have just been in one big perpetual series of anger.  If you are angry and hateful at the world the world will respond back to you that way.  I am a firm believer of that now.

I don’t think I crashed and burned that fateful night in January by sheer coincidence.  I think I was being taught a lesson.  And I guess I wasn’t listening very well, so drastic times called for drastic measures.  I would like to say that it didn’t need to be that drastic but whatever.  I had A LOT of alone time to think about things during this recovery.   I guess the thing that came out of it the most was how angry I am, or was.  Let’s say was.  Was shows progress. 

What WAS I angry at?  Everything.  Who WAS I angry at?  Everyone.  Where WAS I angry?  Everywhere.  Honest to God, it didn’t matter who what when or where, I was angry.  Angry when I went to work, angry when I came home from work, angry alone, angry with people…JUST CONSTANTLY ANGRY.  Why? Good question…the bottom line?  I WAS not where I wanted to be, NOT doing what I wanted to do.  Well?  Who controls that?  Ummmm that would be me.  So I was spending a whole plethora of time being mad at other people because I didn’t like the situation I found myself in.  Not a very good reason to be angry at others. 

My favorite quote or at least in my Top 10 of favorite quotes…pretty much sums it up. 

We must be able to let go of the life we have planned so as to have that life that is waiting for us…

I take a lot out of that statement actually.  I think mostly that if I learn to embrace the situation I am in or that I find myself in, instead of constantly fighting it, I may have a better outcome and not be so angry.  Same for people.  If I embrace who they are and how they act versus expecting them to be a certain way or act the way I think they should, I probably won’t get so angry at them.  Seems simple in theory no?  Well, on paper yes it is.  In my mind, it seems so too.  Acting on it?  Not so much.  But I think that is half of the battle is it not, recognizing the problem?  I will be the first to say that I wouldn’t be so angry if people weren’t so stupid and piss me off, but I will also be the first to say that maybe they wouldn’t piss me off if I could just realize that some people are just stupid and I can’t change that?  Some people, not all!

I guess what I really want is to just be a happier person in general.  I would imagine people who don’t know me that well already think that I am a generally happy person, but that would be a lie and you know how I feel about those.  I want everyone to know the real me.  The real me needs to deal with some shit that happened and get it over with.  It is what it is.  Others shouldn’t have to pay the consequences of someone else’s actions. 

I apologize to any of you who have had to experience my anger.  That is not the person I want to be.  

Hopefully now that I have realized that it is me being angry sometimes and Sister not just being mean and hateful, perhaps we can move forward in harmony and tranquility.  And with anyone else I think is being mean and hateful.  Perhaps then I will be at one with nature, mother earth, God, whatever and whoever, and the world won’t conspire to injure me so much.