Our Father...Who Art in Heaven...

Our Father who art in Heaven...

you have my Dad. 

Did he cry when we cleaned out the house? Is he ok? A lot of it he wanted out anyway. A long time ago. And that's ok. We all found treasures. Can you tell him something for me?

Dee Dee, Jarod and I are dealing with this in our own way. One thing we are NOT doing is fighting. Over anything. Thank you Dad. Maybe you knew that each part of your life inspired, for lack of a better word, each if us differently. 

There are things we come across that one of us definitely want, and the other two are ok with that. Thank you. 

My days go like this. One day I cry. Hard. And at everything. And one day I'm happy to be alive. It's a roller coaster for sure. 

You would be so proud of Dee Dee. She is now my rock. I thought we lost her a year ago Mothers Day. David breathed life back into her and there was a reason. I remember the day that happened. You ran. You screamed. You drove faster than I've ever seen you drive. I took Brodie because I thought she fell. And everyone was like why'd you bring him?  And I was mad because when I fell you yelled at me. And I honestly couldn't get up. I was mad you woke me at 4:45am to tell me she fell. You did not tell me she stopped breathing.  It was not her time. David has been amazing. So supportive. So helpful. 

Your grand kids miss you. Terrible. Bella and Ethan remember things we forgot. Maybe that's how life works. There are people there to remind you. 

You would be so proud of Jarod. He's been a rock too. We are all so lost Dad. 

I don't want to collect anything. Is that bad? Sadly. Besides my siblings I don't have anything anyone wants. I have no one to share a thing with. Brodie. He's all I have that matters to me. 

Tonight we went to Gayla's for the girls night out benefit for St. Jude. Aunt Joyce drove us. It was good to see her outside of this madness. We had fun Dad. We laughed. We smiled. I don't remember feeling capable of doing any of those things. 

And then tomorrow it's all business again. One day we grieve. One day we pack. One day we have to deal with the future. I don't want to do any of it. I want to embrace every second. I don't want to plan. Or think. Or feel. I want you to tell me what to do. 

Everyone said I can't believe you came back to work that following Monday. You know why? I did? You would've told me to. You were so proud Blick hired me. I am proud too. It was a huge part of Grams life. I'm not going to be the VP. Ever. But I love my job. They've been so good to me Dad. They like me. I love them. 

I try to call you. Daily. It's dumb because I hated talking on the phone with you. You told too many stories. Too long. But my God I miss them. 

My faith was shattered when Gram Rosie died. Your passing has restored it. I don't know how. Or in exactly what way yet.  But I believe again. I will find my way. 

Our Father. Who Art in Heaven...

Please tell my Dad I love him.