It was heartfelt and genuine. And very deeply appreciated. And...had great timing. This isn't a post about how I don't see myself as others see me or for a pat on the back. It's about a conversation that came earlier this evening.
I had called my mom to "check in" because my days are running into themselves. Sometimes head on. Anyway Mom said wasn't that awful nice what your friend said on Facebook today? I said yes, it was I thanked her. It meant a lot to me. Especially right now. And she said, you don't have any idea how many people think you are a hero or who you inspire. I wish you did. You have to pull through this and get on inspiring people. Post happy things on Facebook, people really do count on you. I wish you knew how many people loved you. And even though I know exactly what she meant, this is what I felt...
What if everyone forgets him? What if they forget he's gone? What if they don't know that just because I appear ok, that on the inside I'm a broken little girl? I may not look sad but I am damn sad. Life didn't stop that day. No matter how badly I wanted it to. I drove to his house that day. Faster than I've ever driven anywhere. Only once thinking I better slow down or I will kill myself. I drove there thinking Sister was lying even though the only two words I ever heard when she called were "Dad's gone." I thought I would pull up and she would say he was fine. False alarm. I wasn't expecting what I found. He was really gone. We had lost our Dad.
You lose games. You lose car keys. You lose your wallet or important documents. You lose weight. You lose your sense of direction. You also can find those things again. And someday I suppose I will find him. But that doesn't make this easier.
I'm trying Mom. I wish you could see me at work. I try to make people laugh. I try not to let a soul see the pain and confusion. I pour myself into work because it's all I have and thank God I have it. I don't think I would've gotten out of bed for days. I poured myself into a benefit that I was pretty confident I couldn't pull off. With help I did. A lot of help. But besides the pictures I don't remember being there.
I am sorry for the downer posts. I do know people need to laugh and smile and hear me and Sisters bantering. Or some random question of the day. But I'm just not ready yet. Sadly Facebook gives a venue to express our emotions. Currently mine are sad.
I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not crying enough. I'm scared we are being pushed to make decisions we aren't ready to. I'm scared people are going to forget he existed. I'm scared Sister is going to crash and fall in a heap. I'm scared that Brothers job requires he be so far from home. Maybe that will help him cope. I'm scared I'm so focused on work that I myself forget my father just died. I'm scared we aren't doing what he would've wanted. I'm just so damn scared.
I wish there was a grief manual. Unfortunately we all go through it differently. And at different speeds. I wish I knew the good days will be good and when to expect the bad ones. I wish I knew God wanted him so soon.
I do know I inspire people. I get told often. I don't get it, but I know it. My writing gets complimented so often, but I don't get it. I just write what I feel. I know everyone has "lost" someone they loved. And I know a piece of them died when it happened.
What I don't know is if I will ever feel like me again. They only other time I've felt this way is after my last surgery and my iron bottomed out. I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I didn't feel like me. It's been a very long time since I've been uncomfortable in my skin. It's foreign. It doesn't feel normal to me. Right now I don't have a clue who I am. But I'm sure trying to find her again. Some days I just can't. And I just have to be ok with that. She may not come back for awhile. I hope and pray she does.
I'm scared. I'm scared that if I act happy when I'm not really happy at all that everyone will forget him. I don't want him to be forgotten.
I've been hurt so many times by so many things. And eventually those hurts scarred over. I can still feel them, but they have healed. What if this break doesn't heal?
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