Compass

I wish...

Starting a new year was like wiping a white board clean. A fresh canvas. With nothing on it. No marks. No blemishes. No scars. Just a blank page. And although it mostly is and can be, unfortunately you carry into the new year all the scars, baggage, blemishes from the years past. Yes you can choose to start fresh. Redesign yourself. Vow to make lifelong personal changes. But reality happens and well then, there you are again with a board full of stuff. 

I haven't had the worst year of my life. I haven't had the best. I've gained new friends, a fantastic new job, my own little place to call home. I've lost a few friends. Lost a job. Lost my childhood home. Oh and lost my father. 

But...a New Year does bring new hope. New faith. New beliefs. That things can and will change for the better. That life, no matter how trying and tumultuous it can be...it does go on. And it's a chance to start new again. 

I have no idea what this new year will bring. I hope a tremendous amount of peace and happiness. I personally have a feeling it is going to be a bumpy one, but maybe I'm wrong?

My whole entire life I have let my heart be my compass. No sense in starting a new way of thinking. It hasn't always pointed me in the right direction, but it's always remained true. 

Here's to whatever your compass may be. I wish you all a very a Happy and a Blessed New Year. 

 

Compass

http://youtu.be/30PDGF1_jNo

Opinions are like what?

If you know my relationship with my Sister, you will probably know that she asked me not to waste one minute of worry on what I'm about to blog about, and that I would probably blog about it anyway. The good news it's not a letter to my Dad. 

One of my blogs eons ago was about a show I truly loved. Duck Dynasty. I think I may have even blogged that I could spend a year in that show or something like that. It was a show I happened upon, came across accidentally. It kinda found me. I loved it. I didn't love it AS much when it went nuts and the whole world started talking about it and you could buy Duck Dynasty crap in every store in this land. And I mean every. The first season was and will always be my favorite. It was the least scripted and the most off the cuff and improv of them all. They have since become incredibly scripted and that to me ruins any show like that. That being said, I supported them. Loved what they stood for, their faith in Jesus, family values, etc. mostly that it still felt like they were wealthy and didn't flaunt it. Well, until you could buy a Duck Dynasty lighter at Casey's. And really, they don't necessarily flaunt it except for being invited to every awards show on the planet for reasons I will never know. 

Who cares right? They were multimillionaires before the show they will be after the show. And they were a gold mine for A&E. So honest to God who cares what Phil Robertson thinks about gays? He's entitled to his opinion. He is entitled to speak about it. He's entitled to shout it over mountain tops and wear poster boards to preach it. He can do whatever the hell he wants. And so can A&E, who pay him a delightful appearance fee just to show up places and be present. Money he never needed anyway. But that's not the point. You can't be pissed at A&E for suspending him. Because they are acting on their beliefs. I didn't say it was right. I am saying its contradictory to support his right to say it but not their right to act. I don't think it's a gay, racial, stereotypical move on A&E's part because frankly how many of that demographic watch the damn show? 

I can tell you this. My Ernie Johnson's three lessons in life. Phil Robertson is not my family nor does he affect my family in any way. I do not have to sleep with Phil Robertson. And lastly I'm not financing him nor is he me, so therefore, I give two shits less about his feelings about homosexuality. He does not affect me in the least. I don't care what religion you believe in, what God you pray to, what services you attend or what book you follow, I was not put on this earth to judge another human being or preach to them. So that is what I expect in return. If you think I'm going to hell because of my lifestyle, then you are free to think that. Because for the life of me I cannot figure out why anyone cares or how it affects them. I don't want to know what anyone does in the privacy of their home or wherever, so why should anyone be concerned about what I do?

I was not disappointed in his statement. Not at all shocked either. Not even in the least. I am glad he found Jesus and wants to preach his word. The Jesus I believe in never wanted any of this, nor did he judge. I will have my judgement day as will everyone else. And if I stand before God and his son and he tells me that my heart, my compassion, my honesty, my selflessness and all the other things I do for the good of others, meant nothing compared to who I chose to love, well then I've wasted a life time now haven't I? But only I have to deal with those consequences. Not you or anyone else. 

His words did not hurt me. In all honesty not many peoples do anymore.  A lot of my friends support him and his freedom to speak his opinions. No one respects that more than I. What did hurt? The number of friends that supported the context of his statements. And that's ok too. We are all entitled to believe what we want to believe. 

Opinions are like those one things...you know. Everyone has one. 

Just. Say. It...

http://youtu.be/CfWcPu7g2k8

Click the link. You know you want to. 

When was the last time you took a good hard look at the way you treat people?

Are you a good friend? Are you a good person? 

I ask this because after the loss of my father people fade. You fade. You are different when you lose something. Who understands that better than someone who's lost someone/something? Hell no you will never be the same person. Do you want to be? What do you learn? How did you learn it?

This is what I have learned and only ME. I, being the most nonjudgemental person I know, judges. I'm not happy about it. At all. But I do. And it needs to stop. I don't mean the way most people think...race, color, religion, sexual preference...none of those things have ever, ever mattered to me. Ever. Not because of who I am either. The only thing that has ever mattered was how a person has treated me. Period. 

Who gives a flying shit who your parents were, or are? My whole life it was assumed mine were wealthy. Funny. Should have seen how many Swanson pot pies I had to swallow in my lifetime. And thank God Marie Callendar came through and changed children's lives forever. My point is....we weren't. Wealthy. Never have been. We all had jobs at 14-15 years old.  My point is I've been judged my whole life. Because of my last name. My sexuality. My whatever. Stop it. Everyone. Be a good friend or do not be one at all. Of course we were all raised different. Different circumstances. Different people. 

If you spend a good portion of your time demeaning someone, perhaps without even knowing you are doing it, STOP. Forget walking a mile in someone's shoes. Try to walk a mile in your own. Without looking at who else's shoes look, feel better, or cost more. Just don't. 

Just freaking walk. 

Hardest thing to do. Walk in your own shoes? Don't think so? Try doing so without analyzing another person place or thing.  Not easy. But when you do? It gets easier to breathe. Death has changed me. Life has changed me. I've been absent from a lot of people's lives since my fathers death. I didn't disappear. Well kind of. But I've been learning. Learning what it means to be a true person. Authentic. I thought I was before. I wasn't even close. 

I'm sorry. To any of you I have avoided. Or neglected. Or forgot. I just needed to be with me. 

I miss my father. Some days more than I will ever share with another living being including Brodie. So. Do me a favor? Be a better person. Be a better friend. Yes life is short. But you have one chance. So just damn say what you need to say. Please. 

Where are you Christmas...

Hi Dad-

Been a little while. Sorry. Haven't quite felt myself these days. I know it's strictly due to the fact that I am dreading Christmas. In ways I never dreamed I would. The first Christmas after Gram Rosie passed I thought it would be the worst. The Christmas after Molly passed was incredibly sad. The Christmas after you and Mom split I was positive I couldn't breathe. This Christmas? This Christmas I don't even know how to get to it. It's my favorite holiday. It was. Maybe it will be again someday. 

The house is empty. Gram is getting it cleaned up and updated. It's so hard to go to Maquon. Even to see Gram or go to Sisters. It literally sucks the life out of me. Which entirely ironic to me because it's where yours ended. 

The kids are good as far as I know. Percie is going through an incredible rough patch. She's still very much mourning you. And in the middle of that lost a new friend to a tragic incident that has really deeply affected her. I wish I could help her make sense of any of it. But I can't. I wish I could tell her it gets easier when you get older. But it just doesn't. I wish I could shield her and Ethan, Dalton and Kolbie from all things that cause sadness. I just can't. Sometimes I think it's why God chose for me NOT to become a parent. I think he knew I couldn't bear their heartbreak. I will never forget the day in the hospital this past 4th of July. When I found out no matter what, or how old I was (thank you Dr. Strunin for that reminder) that I would never be able to bear my own children, I told you this news. You grabbed my foot and said so matter of factly, "they ain't all they are cracked up to be." Which was your way of saying you were sorry. I wasn't happy that that choice was taken away from me. Nor was I happy when you were. 

I know this seems like I'm down and depressed but things are really going well. I love my job. Adore it. I'm making wonderful new friends. Went to my first Blick Christmas party. I had a great time. 

Gram just turned 87. Sister and I took her to lunch at Red Lobster and then shopping for a new recliner, which is something she's never had. Of course she found the one she loved within 5 minutes. Easiest sale of that mans life. We all went in and got her a new flat screen for Christmas for her upstairs living room. Yes we gave it to her early. Why not. She should enjoy every minute of it. 

I hope you are doing well wherever you are. I miss you. I will keep you posted on whether or not I find Christmas. 

I love you.

Where Are You Christmas-Faith Hill

http://youtu.be/il6TFMaTank

The Food Director...

Dad! I did it! I'm officially now the Food Day Director at Blick. Well not all of Blick. And not even all of Central. (Which is the name of my location.) Just my Department. Oh and Retail Purchasing. I know you wanted me to be the Vice President. But this will suffice. 

Oh. And I should mention I gave myself the title! You told people I was the VP, so why shouldn't I tell them I'm the Food Director! The best part is you would love it! Except you are so much like my supervisor it's not even funny. He's picky about his food too! I'm guessing I may never make anything he truly "loves." Long story short Dad. I hang up a sign and we all sign up to bring our favorite food on a certain day. It's a lot of responsibility. But I think I got this.

Why, just tonight I made your favorite mushroom steak to cook in the crock we borrowed from Sister, for supper tomorrow night. 

Most days I'm ok. Until I get home. And have to think. Some moments I miss you so bad I can't breathe. Like someone or something is sitting on my chest. It's awful. 

We sold the contents of your house Saturday. I'm sorry. And your truck. And my God I'm so sorry about that. I wish I could've kept it but actually it's probably best I didn't. 

I hope you are doing well where you are. I am. Most days. I think they like me at work. Pretty sure of it. And I love it there. Little do they know of the artist they actually hired. I forgot about her too. Until I had to clean out and pack your office a few weeks ago. I wasn't too damn bad. Thank you for keeping all that stuff. I personally had to get rid of it. I need to start over. Maybe all over. It was just too hard to see it. Not because you kept them all, just because it was a girl I don't remember or even know anymore. And frankly? Sister was too busy to stop me from tossing it all. I will paint and draw again. I promise. Just not ready yet. For now this is my canvas. 

I stopped to see Cindy tonight after work. Unfortunately to run into some guys that hadn't seen me since you passed. They spoke highly of you. Which makes me miss you more. 

I wish I could see you. I wish you would walk into the bar and say "have you met my middle child? Her name is Tiffany. She's the Vice President of Dick Blick." And I would roll my eyes. And say damnit Dad. Not the VP. Just the Food Director. 

My Wish...

Hi Dad. 

Crazy few weeks. I can't believe it's almost been two months since you left. I can say left because that's what you did. You just. Left. So many people have said Tiffany you are so lucky. That he didn't suffer. That he didn't struggle. I suppose I am lucky. Although lucky is not the first word that comes to mind when someone exists stage left. 

I think of all of the things you could have done for us BEFORE you left but there really isn't a before is there? It's now. Today. Right here. 

I got to take your truck tonight to the auction house.Dave's Autobody made it look brand new. I couldn't even smell you. Not a speck of you was left. Which probably was a blessing. But I'm driving to Abingdon, radio on 94.9, humming to random tune on the radio...and I look down and realize I'm holding the steering wheel exactly like you did.  Your left hand. One hand only. And I smile and I say I know Dad. I will get her there. I promise. Otherwise Sister will kill me. 

Someone I care about deeply made fun of my blog a few weeks back. I am not even sure you knew I had one or that your daughter could write. I just remember thinking...pound sand...person who is making fun of it. Actually more like kiss my fat ass. Don't read it idiot. It's not rocket science. As you used to say, Life's a Bitch...and then you die. 

I parked your truck tonight as Rascal Flatts came on...the song...My Wish. I know you had lots of wishes for me Dad. And I know if no one else heard them, I Did. I heard you loud and clear. And I promise you that WE are going to have the best year ever. 

There are moments I cannot believe you are gone. There are moments I cannot believe I am here. There are moments I just wish I could get back. 

My Wish for you? Always and forever that you found your Peace. 

Dinner with Jesus...

Hi Dad. 

How are things? Doesn't sound like you're "there" yet. You keep showing up at Brothers poker table. And Sisters work today! Actually I think it's funny. They are not finding it nearly as funny as I am. 

I'm sorry about the house. I'm sorry about a lot of things but mostly the house right now. It's funny. When you pack things up. A funny thing happens to you. Not funny. Strange. 

Yes. That's how I wanted to describe it. Strange. We had never seen it empty. When you and Mom moved us there you had done all the moving before we got there. We had never seen it. Empty. 

Brother was outside cleaning out the garage. Sister and I did one more walk through to make sure we got everything. I walked into my old room and I heard laughter. Mine and Sisters. When we were little. And played tug of war across our twin beds. Always with my pajamas. I heard giggling. And I cried. What we didn't know then. I'm glad we didn't. 

Anyway. The Beans? I KNOW. They need to come out. If you weren't at Jarod's poker table you could have a chat with Mother Nature. You and her never really did get along though. So I'm sure you aren't real high on her list of appointments. Sorry. Just speaking the truth. We are working on it. I promise. Sister would rather have her toes in the sand. You know this Dad. 

Anyway. I went to Sisters last night for dinner and the Bears game. She had no idea they were playing the Packers. Eye yie yie. Anyway. We sat down to dinner while Cooter was on the phone. Earlier though Sister put a plate and service down at one chair. I thought, damn David is spoiled. Then I thought. Damn. She's setting a place for Dad. No idea why. You would not have enjoyed our dinner of chicken cordon bleu tortellini. You would've eaten it and said "it's alright. Not something I would want to eat every day." And we would say, ok, well you didn't have to cook. 

Cooter comes out rambling about who knows what, and I say here Sister got your plate out. And she looks me dead in the eye and says, "it's for Jesus."  I say excuse me? "Jesus. It's for Jesus." I say, "is he here?" She says, "you always set a place for Jesus." I say, "Sister. For real. Is he here?" It was a little freaky. She just rolled her eyes at me. 

A few minutes later Cooter comes up and grabs the plate. Jesus' plate. I thought for sure Sister was going to come up out of her chair. But she didn't. She just simply said "that was Jesus' plate." And Cooter said, "who?" And she just shook her head and said "Jesus. You were probably talking to him on the phone only to you he probably pronounced it "hey Seuss."  "He said, no Dee Dee. His name was David, he pronounced it as David."

Dad? I'm not sure if Jesus ever did get dinner last night. Or if you've seen him yet. But please tell him Sister tried to serve him last night. 

I miss you. And love you. 

Sis

The Weight of Air

Weight. I've gained weight. I've lost weight. I've lifted weights. I've carried the weight of the world. Felt the weight of lies. I've pushed my weight around. But lifting weight is supposed to build you up. Strengthen you. Make you stronger. But the weight of air? The weight I'm carrying now? It's the heaviest thing I've ever felt. Air. Who would've thought air would be heavy. 

No one can see it. You can't touch it. You can't hold it. Sometimes I cannot breathe its so heavy. Oppressive. Choking. It makes me physically sick sometimes when I am are carrying it and a lot of times I don't even know I am because it has no image. It's just there. Bearing down me. All I can feel is its presence. And how heavy it is. 

I'm not the same person I was before my father died. I will never be the same person again. I've done and gone through most of my life alone. Silently. Like a lost ship out to sea. Hoping I would see a lighthouse somewhere to guide me. Sometimes that light came in the form of family. Or friends. Or a career. Somehow I always found my way. I steered a lot of wrong directions. I followed a lot of paths that weren't really lighthouses at all, but a mirage. A mirage of something that I thought could save me but it was just a figment of my imagination. 

Everyone goes through grief differently. I don't expect anyone to understand mine. I know you can't see the air I am carrying but you can tell I'm different. You can tell something has changed. You can tell I am not the person I used to be. But physically. On the outside. I am the same. That's the trouble with air and the weight of it. No one knows your weight because as humans we cannot fathom something until we can see it. I'm scared of what you would see if you could see it. It would probably scare you. 

Often times I've felt alone in rooms full of people. Often times I've felt alone in my choice of lifestyle. Often times I've felt alone in my feelings. I've never, in 41 years, feel as alone as I do right now. 

There are nights I cry myself to sleep. Praying when I open my eyes that someone, anyone, is there and just holds me. But I open my eyes and every single time I am still alone. 

This isn't just about my fathers passing. It's about all the things I never had while he was alive. A wedding. A child. My own home. It's about so many things. And it's heavy. This air is stifling. 

This is my therapy. It's what I do and how I can express myself. I have no other outlet. I'm sorry that my sadness seeps over into here and other public social areas, but it's where I am at right now. And I'm not sorry about how I feel. It's just reality. I'm not good at pretending. So I don't. You don't have to read my blog or follow me on Facebook. You don't even have to care. I'm simply here to tell you that the weight of air feels like hell. 

I never knew emptiness could weigh so much. When something is empty it's supposed to be lighter. Easier to carry. This is not. I'm barely holding on to it. I'm blessed I can go to work for a few hours a day and set it down because it's truly the only place I can. 

I drove to Sisters today to go have lunch at our uncles. It physically hurt my heart to see "the compound."  There was a time when I would look at my old backyard and think God this place is beautiful. Serene. Calm. Now I see emptiness. A torn up canvas. Tattered and ragged. It hurts on levels I didn't know you could hurt. It's even worse going into the house. And perhaps I am the only one who sees it that way. I can't change what I see. 

I know somewhere, deep down inside an incredibly broken heart that there will days this weight isn't so bad. I don't know when. Or how. I'm not the only one who's lost a loved one. People survive. Life goes on. I just know that right now, at this moment, this is a heavy weight. The heaviest of all. 

The weight of air. 

Stranger in my own home...

When?  When did I become a stranger in my own home? The very home I grew up in? 

The day you died Dad. The minute I saw you and held your cold and lifeless hand. I felt like an intruder. Like I had access to a place I should not have been allowed. And the further we get along with moving your stuff out and preparing for the sale, the worse it gets. 

I have so many memories of the place when it was just that. My home. Not of the place it has recently become. I feel like I'm in a foreign land when I enter it. I feel guilty for taking your things. Or packing them. Or for throwing away your old snowmobile suit. Which lets be honest, you should've done years ago. I feel like I'm mistreating you by doing these things. And yet they have to be done. I get physically sick going in there. I don't feel closer to you by being there. I feel like we are mistreating your memory. 

Brother says you've been to his man cave and left little momentos. It's kind of freaking him out. I'm jealous and he's scared lol! You always did love it there. 

Bella says you woke her from a dead sleep the other night and said hi B Ree with a big smile on your face and disappeared. It made her feel so good and so sad at the same time. 

None of us are the same. Your children I mean. We walk around like we are ghosts ourselves. Shells of people. The insides caving in, the parts people can't see. I run into people. Almost daily. Who say I am sorry to hear about your Dad. And I know they are, but I am just as sorry that they have to say that to me. 

When are you going to come see Brodie and I? Will you ever? 

Do you remember when we were in the kitty cat snowmobile racing circuit? And the day I won? You told me just to put the pedal to the metal and go bare fast. You said I used to tell you to go bare fast when I was little. Do you remember the year of the blizzard and you plowed a racetrack for our baby snowmobiles? Or do you not have those memories now? 

I do. And when I go to the house I try to remember them. Because it's all I have left. And it's all that keeps me from throwing up when I'm there. Because otherwise, I just end up feeling like a stranger in my own home. 

Are you there yet?...

Hi Dad. 

Are you there yet?

Probably seems like a funny question and Sister said she hoped to shout, it had been 21 days. It's been 28 now. 

I suppose we all have different versions of Heaven and when we arrive. And the stops we may make a long the way. I'm just glad that you had been going back to Church. That you felt comforted by that. I will find my way back someday maybe. I've always found God in the places no one thinks to look for him. 

We, I shouldn't say we, several people, I was not one, you know I don't even know how to turn a tractor on, were able to get some of your crops out. It was a beautiful display of how a farming community comes together. Sister, Brother and I can never repay those that helped that day. Or ever explain to someone how much it meant to us. 

You would be so proud of Sister. Although she is grateful you didn't "collect" anything other than hats, she really wishes you would've thrown away the mounds of papers you collected. I imagine there will be several days sorting through those this winter. 

Brother and Donnie are contemplating farming. God Bless them for wanting to. I think they are nuts but if you and Grandpa left anything you left an awful lot of pride to deal with. 

Gram is doing okay. She's had so much loss in her life. Doesn't seem fair. I need to get down and see her. 

I'm fine. I'm still not the Vice President of Blick Art Materials, not even close, but without my job I feel as if I would've never got out of bed for days. It keeps me busy and my mind off of the reality of the situation. The reality that you are gone. Just like that. A breath away. In the moments when I am not at work and I have time to think, I'm angry and I cry a lot. So I thank God every single day for my job. 

Brodie says hi Poppa. If you show up some night to visit us can you make sure he doesn't bark his head off at you? It scares me when he barks at the air. 

Sister and Brother have had dreams about you. I kinda knew you would visit them first. I'm sure you know how hard they are taking this. And I'm sure you knew I would be fine waiting. 

Luckily grief is like the tide. It ebbs and flows. I'm not looking forward to the holidays. One day at a time right now. 

I just wanted to tell you that I love you and hope you are at peace. 

But mostly I just wanted to know...

Are you there yet?

The Dock...

There's a sound that water makes against an aluminum fishing boat, when that boat is tied up to a dock. It's not a sound that is easy to describe but if you've ever sat in one and just listened, its a sound you will never forget. If you lay your head down on the side of the boat it's even more magnified. Almost sounds like a deep cavernous echo. If you add old tires to the sides of the dock, so that they protect the boat against the dock, they will create another sound entirely as the water carries the boat up and down with the incoming waves.  If the water is just right and it's not real wavy it can almost put you to sleep if you just close your eyes and float. 

It's a sound I can never forget. Probably because it will forever remind me of a happier place, during happier times. It's the sound of my childhood. The noise of my teenage years. The place I felt closest to God than in any Church I've ever been to. 

It's not just the place I'm remembering right now but it's the sound I'm longing for. It was the sound of simpler times. Uncomplicated relationships. Slower paces. A freedom from the things that daily reign you in. It's the sound of a smile when you wake. The sound of a screen door slamming and no place to be. 

The sound is forever ingrained in my heart and I can hear it from time to time if I focus long and hard enough. I can close my eyes and feel a myriad of things but most importantly I realize I was feeling anything at all. It, the sound, made me blissfully aware of feeling period. I stopped thinking and just drifted with it. 

It's the most peaceful, tranquil, soothing sound I can conjure in my mind when I need to feel anything at all. 

I will take you back there. So we can hear it together. I will smile and listen as it washes all of the burdens away.  All of the sorrow. The pain. The hurt. The anger. The longing. Removes all of it just by listening. Like a warm embrace, I will close my eyes and let that sound wrap me up and once again, only feel peace. 

The Doc Johnson Special...

I'm having a whiskey tonight. 

Not because I'm trying to forget, as I've done in the past, but because my throat hurts. Bad. Cold, sinus, allergies who knows. The entire town of Knoxville must be sick too. The Dollar General was out of every over the counter allergy and sinus medicines they carry. 

I love whiskey. If you know me you know this. I'm partial to Irish and blended scotch whiskeys. It was not something I ever would've dreamed I would try. 

But I can thank Dad for that...

I had come home from Minnesota one year for Christmas, sicker than hell, through a blizzard, going 20 mph for at least 4 hours. It was one of the longest days of my life. I cried for the entire drive. I think by the time I got to Cedar Rapids I was out of the snow. 

When I arrived home I walked in the front door where mom and Dad were anxiously waiting for me, which was unusual because we rarely used that door. 

I threw my luggage on the floor with myself and cried. Mom put me to bed and called her Dr the next morning. 

When I got home from seeing the Dr she put me in her recliner and told me to rest. They ran some blood work and wouldn't have them back for a few days. In the meantime here's a z pack and some steroids. I was coughing. I couldn't breathe. It was the worst cold of my life. 

My father who adamantly hated taking any kind of meds said, ahhhh bullshit. She needs a Doc Johnson special. Rita, where the hell is the honey? Shortly after he shows up with a steaming hot mug of God knows what and tells me to drink it. Drink it right down. What's in it I say, don't you worry he says. 

Within minutes, my feet were warm and then eventually I couldn't even feel them. I'm laying there moving my head like I'm stoned but instantly stopped coughing.  My mother noticing the change and realizing I'm barely moving my head starts screaming Jesus Jim I think you are killing her! Jesus Rita, she's not coughing anymore is she? Seriously Jim, she can't feel her feet. Good shit isn't it Sis? Giggling the whole time. She's not dying Rita, she's drunk. Now leave her the hell alone and enjoy the peace and quiet. She's been hacking since she got out of her damn truck. 

I never learned what all the Doc Johnson special contained except whiskey. 

But I have a shot or a couple drinks every time my throat hurts. And tonight...tonight I just wish he would make me a Doc Johnson special. 

The Gambler

Unfortunately I have had to do a few of these in my life. Grama Rosie, Angie, Molly and Grandpa Cliff, I pray you are resting in peace.  I miss you every day.

Today however, was not expected.  Not planned.  Not even fathomed.  The only thing I have ever learned about life is that it goes on.  I do not know how it does or why, but it does.

This week has been the most surreal few days of my life.  This is not supposed to be happening.  I shouldn’t be standing here doing this.

Dad.  You bought me my first convertible.  It was red.  And I had to pedal it.  But it was mine.  You took us to Minnesota, to the place you went as a little boy, and gave us all some of the best years of our lives.  It is ok that Dee Dee does not remember a lot of them.  We will help her remember.  You refused to teach me how to drive a boat, so I went out one day while you were napping at the Cabin and taught myself.

You were one of the proudest men I had ever known.  The only other man I knew that was that proud was your father.  Must be where you learned it.  As much as you and Grandpa put Grandma Louise through, she fiercely loved and supported you both, in every endeavor you asked her to go through.  You were Grandmas Rock.  She depended on you, probably more than any of us will ever know, and I do not know Dad, how we will get her through this, with Joyce’s help we will.  We just have to.  She has been witness to more heartache than I can fathom, and this is something we never ever expected her to have to do.

To say you were fiercely proud of Dee Dee, Jarod and I is not an adequate description. You were strongly against many decisions we all made, and you were very verbal about it.  I know there were times you thought we were all nuts and you tried to tell us there would be consequences to all of these decisions, but whatever they were, you were there to dig us out when we failed.  I don’t know how many times you had to get Jarod dug out of a tough spot.  Mostly his truck in the river somewhere.  But you did it.  You were the one who put the fear of God in Dalton’s eyes where 4-wheelers were concerned; I still don’t think he is fond of them.  You were worried sick about Kolbie’s free spirit and constantly on Jarod and Kari aboutwhere she may roam without a care in the world, but if you remember when she was very little, and was left off the bus at her house to a locked house, for whatever reason we will never know, she took off to your house, because she knew Poppa would be there, Poppa was always there. You weren’t crazy about Dee and David getting the kids involved in showing livestock, especially at such a young age, but you supported every second of them doing so.  I thought when Bella started driving from her house to your house between the ponds, that would cause your heart to stop, but it didn’t and in some ways you were proud of her for being so obstinate and stubborn like yourself.  The level of proud you felt for Ethan when his baseball team went to state was somewhere past Cloud 9.

Dee Dee knows you were her biggest fan.  In her sports when she was younger and even now. She was yours too-who else wears a shirt around that says, “My Daddy Rocks”.  Jarod may never know how proud of him you were at the life he has built for himself and his family.  You were the only person in my life who told me not to buy a bar, and yet you were there every single day and promoted my business like it was your own. You were my favorite and least favorite customer.  You did a lot of complaining.  

Unfortunately I had to witness a tremendous amount of your heartaches as well.  Despite the feelings that you carried around, the animosity you felt, take away all of those things and the trying years, you and Mom created three wonderful children, who carry parts of you every single day with us.  We are all stubborn.  We are all bull headed.  We are all proud.  We are more like you than we would even probably like to admit.

I am so mad at you right now.  Mad because you are gone.  And if you were here I would yell at you.  When I was worried about you it really pissed you off that I made us all sit down and have meetings with you to discuss it, but I don’t know where I would be having not done that.  Maybe you did things to get us together.  

I think you knew you weren’t well.  I think we knew you weren’t well.  I know none of us including yourself knew just how unwell you were.  I am so sorry you were sad.  I am so sorry that anyone hurt you.  I am so sad that we stand here today knowing you died from a broken heart.  And I would do anything in this world to have fixed that for you.  

As angry as I am right now at God for taking you, we couldn’t have asked for him to do it more peacefully.  And I pray you went to sleep and had the most wonderful dream ever.

You touched so many lives it is not even funny.  You allowed so many people into your life, on your property, and in our lives.  You were so proud of your farm.  Proud that is was such a fun place for so many people.  You gave a gift to people that I hope they never forget because very few people in this world did such a thing and never asked foranything in return.  I pray they never forget your generosity.  I will never understand why you agreed we should cancel the River Ride this year but I am glad you did.  I think somehow you knew.  All I can say for certain is that I hope God drives a Polaris.  And I hope he takes you on a fantastic ride.  And I hope he goes forwards and backwards.  And I hope he stopssmiles at you and says Any Questions?

You were a jerk.  You were often times not nice.  But you were my Dad.  And I would give anything in the world to have you call me and tell me one of your 4 hour jokes.  Or be at the Legion meeting my new friends and telling them I was the Vice President of Blick Art Materials.

You have a legacy.  You have left a legacy.  The Maquon Fire Department will never forget you.  The village of Maquon will never forget you.  Anyone who ever rides a 4 wheeler again, will never forget you.  

Ethan, Isabella, Dalton, Kolbie and Brodie.  He loved you all so much.  He was so very proud of you all and spoke of you with such pride in his heart.

Dee Dee and Jarod, I am sorry for what you had to find.  I pray for the strength for all of us to get through these next few months.  But mostly I pray we stay fiercely loyal to one another.  I know that he would want that.  He didn’t have to pull this stunt to make sure that happened, but I know he would want that.

The very last thing you said to me was I love you sissy, have a safe trip.  I love you too Dad.  May you finally rest in peace.

Before you I was nothing.  Without you I feel nothing.  But because of half of you, I am something.  

Now every Gambler knows that the secret to survivin’ 
Is knowin what to throw away and knowing what to keep
Cause ev’ry hands a winner and every hands a loser, 

And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep...

What if this break doesn't heal?...

A dear friend, who thinks more of me than I feel I deserve wrote this beautiful post to me today. 

It was heartfelt and genuine. And very deeply appreciated. And...had great timing. This isn't a post about how I don't see myself as others see me or for a pat on the back. It's about a conversation that came earlier this evening. 

I had called my mom to "check in" because my days are running into themselves. Sometimes head on. Anyway Mom said wasn't that awful nice what your friend said on Facebook today? I said yes, it was I thanked her. It meant a lot to me. Especially right now. And she said, you don't have any idea how many people think you are a hero or who you inspire. I wish you did. You have to pull through this and get on inspiring people. Post happy things on Facebook, people really do count on you. I wish you knew how many people loved you. And even though I know exactly what she meant, this is what I felt...

What if everyone forgets him? What if they forget he's gone? What if they don't know that just because I appear ok, that on the inside I'm a broken little girl?  I may not look sad but I am damn sad. Life didn't stop that day. No matter how badly I wanted it to. I drove to his house that day. Faster than I've ever driven anywhere. Only once thinking I better slow down or I will kill myself. I drove there thinking Sister was lying even though the only two words I ever heard when she called were "Dad's gone."  I thought I would pull up and she would say he was fine. False alarm. I wasn't expecting what I found. He was really gone. We had lost our Dad. 

You lose games. You lose car keys. You lose your wallet or important documents. You lose weight. You lose your sense of direction. You also can find those things again. And someday I suppose I will find him. But that doesn't make this easier. 

I'm trying Mom. I wish you could see me at work. I try to make people laugh. I try not to let a soul see the pain and confusion. I pour myself into work because it's all I have and thank God I have it. I don't think I would've gotten out of bed for days. I poured myself into a benefit that I was pretty confident I couldn't pull off. With help I did. A lot of help. But besides the pictures I don't remember being there. 

I am sorry for the downer posts. I do know people need to laugh and smile and hear me and Sisters bantering. Or some random question of the day. But I'm just not ready yet. Sadly Facebook gives a venue to express our emotions. Currently mine are sad. 

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not crying enough. I'm scared we are being pushed to make decisions we aren't ready to. I'm scared people are going to forget he existed. I'm scared Sister is going to crash and fall in a heap. I'm scared that Brothers job requires he be so far from home. Maybe that will help him cope. I'm scared I'm so focused on work that I myself forget my father just died. I'm scared we aren't doing what he would've wanted. I'm just so damn scared. 

I wish there was a grief manual. Unfortunately we all go through it differently. And at different speeds. I wish I knew the good days will be good and when to expect the bad ones. I wish I knew God wanted him so soon. 

I do know I inspire people. I get told often. I don't get it, but I know it. My writing gets complimented so often, but I don't get it. I just write what I feel. I know everyone has "lost" someone they loved. And I know a piece of them died when it happened. 

What I don't know is if I will ever feel like me again. They only other time I've felt this way is after my last surgery and my iron bottomed out. I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I didn't feel like me. It's been a very long time since I've been uncomfortable in my skin. It's foreign. It doesn't feel normal to me. Right now I don't have a clue who I am. But I'm sure trying to find her again. Some days I just can't. And I just have to be ok with that. She may not come back for awhile. I hope and pray she does. 

I'm scared. I'm scared that if I act happy when I'm not really happy at all that everyone will forget him. I don't want him to be forgotten. 

I've been hurt so many times by so many things. And eventually those hurts scarred over. I can still feel them, but they have healed. What if this break doesn't heal?

Our Father...Who Art in Heaven...

Our Father who art in Heaven...

you have my Dad. 

Did he cry when we cleaned out the house? Is he ok? A lot of it he wanted out anyway. A long time ago. And that's ok. We all found treasures. Can you tell him something for me?

Dee Dee, Jarod and I are dealing with this in our own way. One thing we are NOT doing is fighting. Over anything. Thank you Dad. Maybe you knew that each part of your life inspired, for lack of a better word, each if us differently. 

There are things we come across that one of us definitely want, and the other two are ok with that. Thank you. 

My days go like this. One day I cry. Hard. And at everything. And one day I'm happy to be alive. It's a roller coaster for sure. 

You would be so proud of Dee Dee. She is now my rock. I thought we lost her a year ago Mothers Day. David breathed life back into her and there was a reason. I remember the day that happened. You ran. You screamed. You drove faster than I've ever seen you drive. I took Brodie because I thought she fell. And everyone was like why'd you bring him?  And I was mad because when I fell you yelled at me. And I honestly couldn't get up. I was mad you woke me at 4:45am to tell me she fell. You did not tell me she stopped breathing.  It was not her time. David has been amazing. So supportive. So helpful. 

Your grand kids miss you. Terrible. Bella and Ethan remember things we forgot. Maybe that's how life works. There are people there to remind you. 

You would be so proud of Jarod. He's been a rock too. We are all so lost Dad. 

I don't want to collect anything. Is that bad? Sadly. Besides my siblings I don't have anything anyone wants. I have no one to share a thing with. Brodie. He's all I have that matters to me. 

Tonight we went to Gayla's for the girls night out benefit for St. Jude. Aunt Joyce drove us. It was good to see her outside of this madness. We had fun Dad. We laughed. We smiled. I don't remember feeling capable of doing any of those things. 

And then tomorrow it's all business again. One day we grieve. One day we pack. One day we have to deal with the future. I don't want to do any of it. I want to embrace every second. I don't want to plan. Or think. Or feel. I want you to tell me what to do. 

Everyone said I can't believe you came back to work that following Monday. You know why? I did? You would've told me to. You were so proud Blick hired me. I am proud too. It was a huge part of Grams life. I'm not going to be the VP. Ever. But I love my job. They've been so good to me Dad. They like me. I love them. 

I try to call you. Daily. It's dumb because I hated talking on the phone with you. You told too many stories. Too long. But my God I miss them. 

My faith was shattered when Gram Rosie died. Your passing has restored it. I don't know how. Or in exactly what way yet.  But I believe again. I will find my way. 

Our Father. Who Art in Heaven...

Please tell my Dad I love him. 

Dear Dad...

Where did you go? 

Why did you go? 

Why did you go when you went?

Why did it happen like that?

Why was it so sudden?

When will I see you again?

How will Dee Dee handle all this? Or Jarod? We are all three so different in our grieving processes. 

Where are you?

Did it hurt?

Did you know and not tell us?

Did you even want a funeral? Or cremated? 

Did you want your suspenders on?

How are we supposed to take care of Grandma? 

Can you see Angie? Gramma Rosie? Molly? Grandpa Cliff? Is he still fighting with Uncle Bob?

Is it pretty where you are?

Are you trolling for walleye?

Why didn't you ever teach me how to drive a tractor? 

Was it because I fell off the combine when I was 5?

Are you happy now? 

Have you found peace?

Why did you ask pastor for a bible a few weeks ago? 

WHERE ARE YOU?

Why don't you answer your phone when I call?

Why did I delete all your goofy voice messages?

Why was I the one who had to watch you go through so much pain when mom left and when that woman you thought you loved broke your heart? 

Why did I have to watch a grown man cry over love?

Are you still lonely?

Why was I so angry at you for crashing my new hangout? When all along you knew you wouldn't be crashing it for very long?

Why did you go to Medora that weekend to see all your friends one last time?

Do you know how many people showed up to pay their respects? More than I know you ever dreamt would?

How did you touch so many lives? 

Have I touched that many lives?

Will my heart ever beat correctly again?

Will the pain ever stop?

Will I see you in my dreams? 

Why did you collect so many hats?

Will I ever be myself again?

How do I explain to Brodie that Papa is gone? 

Why did you leave me?

DAD????? 

I love you. 

Just Be Yourself...

Ever sit back and wonder, "how'd I get here?" Not home from a drunken night with friends, but in life. Right now. At this moment. 

It's all a series of events. Some you learn from some you don't. Some you should. Some you, well, you get the idea. 

I wondered often, how many different forks in the road I maybe, just maybe would've had a different outcome. Lets take God or whatever you believe in out of the equation. Lets take fate. Or destiny too. Remove all that. At many times in your life you've came to a decision. A crossroad. A fork. What would've happened if you went right instead of left. Or backwards even. Whatever way you chose, a different path lay ahead of you. Where would it have lead? 

I have no regrets. I really don't. I've made a lot of mistakes. I have hurt people along the way, but mostly myself. But no, no regrets. Except trying to barefoot ski. But even that brought me here. 

Some people say, "there is no place like home."  And some say "home is where the heart is."  Very very different places they can be sometimes. 

I've had many, many forks in the road. I've also had many homes. I've also felt like I was at home with different people in different places. I am truly at home up north. My whole being changes. But I also knew in my heart that where I am, right now, this second is where I need to be right now, this second. I love my little home, in what I call the suburbs. I love my job. I love my co workers. I love my family with all of their flaws and imperfections. I love myself. It took a really really really long time. But I love myself. 

I think home is wherever you can be yourself. 

Just. Be. Yourself. No matter which direction you went. 

I pray you've found your peace...

I'm pretty sure most of the humans I know would never dream in a million years how sad some of my saddest days have been. There have been some bad ones. I would be lying if I said I have never had a time where I thought I wanted to go to sleep and stay that way. My first experience with depression showed its ugly head my freshman year of college. I've battled it ever since. I will battle it forever. There is one thing I will not do though and that is compare my sadness to anyone else's. 

The old walk a mile in my shoes saying? I don't need to do that. Because I don't think one persons sadness or ability to deal with or not deal with it is comparable. Are there far worse trials and tribulations then what I've ever gone through? You are damn right there is. I'm not battling an I curable disease, I don't have an addiction to something I can't control, I'm not homeless or penniless, I'm not in prison, or have lost a child...the list goes on. But I get sad. I get real sad sometimes. Have I seen rock bottom? In others eyes not even close. Have I felt it? So many times I've lost count. 

My point is I do not compare my life with anyone else's. I cannot. I would not survive if I did. I can't begin to imagine what some people go through on a daily basis and yet somehow, they do. But If I get sad and I say, oh well so and so has it so much worse, while that may be a factual statement, it doesn't lessen my sadness at that moment. 

Sadness is something that has to work itself out. Have you ever tried to make yourself happy when you were sad? It doesn't work. It has to run its course and if you want to make it through it, you have to have patience to do just that. Let yourself be sad. Some people can pretend to be ok. I'm not them. 

There are a myriad of reasons why someone is sad. Some things that make me sad, others think are stupid for wasting my time on them. There are a thousand reasons why someone allows that sadness to engulf them, like a roaring fire that's out of control. Some people rely on others to help put that fire out, some people take alone time, some people immerse themselves in staying busy to get through it. We all handle it differently. 

And at the most extreme, someone ends their life over it. I have no clue what happens to a person to make a decision so final, but it cannot be an easy one to make. I don't think it's spontaneous. I don't think it's just an instantaneous thing. I think it's got to be the most torturous decision a person can make. 

Some people call it selfish. The Catholic Church used to not recognize a person if they did so. I don't know their stance on it these days. Some people call it the ultimate betrayal. Whatever you call it or however you view it, it's final. And leaves so many questions. And even though I can barely wrap my head around sadness period, that's a sadness I just can't. And trust me when I say I have seen some dark places. Are they are as dark as others? Clearly not, but they are dark. And it was my darkness to get through. And I did. With help. Or time. Or patience. Or drugs. But when those things don't help someone? I can't imagine that sadness I really can't. 

The commercial depression hurts? It does. In so many ways. Not just yourself but those around you. And if not dealt with it can truly be a silent killer. 

Someone I knew put an end to their sadness. Closed the book on their journey. Far too early in her life. And although I will never know how or why, I don't sit here and think what a selfish thing she did...I sit here and think my God that's a sad I cannot fathom. That's a darkness I never want to see or feel. That's not something I can comprehend. And it makes me sad to think she was so sad she couldn't live another minute. 

I don't need to walk a mile in anyone's shoes. I have plenty of trouble walking in my own. I am not and I refuse to ever, going to judge her or criticize her for making such an irrevercible decision. I can't possibly know what she was thinking. I don't want to. I can pray for her family and friends. I can pray she is at peace, something she obviously didn't feel here. And I can pray for everyone who feels like whatever life is throwing their way, that they can get through it in whatever way they can. And I can pray for those around them to see the signs and know when a person needs their help. 

Please don't take a persons sadness lightly. Especially if they share it with you. It's not an easy thing to share. Maybe you can't help them but you are capable of helping them find ways someone or something can. 

Life is so fragile. It becomes its most fragile the moment we think its no longer worth living. 

Rest in peace my friend. Although we werent terribly close You were a very important chapter in my own life's journey. 

I pray you've found your peace. 

Author of the moment...

So. At my crazy new job this morning I hear this song. I think it's called Happy Ever After. Or something. But she kept saying the same thing over and over. 

"Author of the moment. Do I end up happy?"

Initially I thought that's stupid. And then it hit me. Like the ton of bricks I hope I never get hit with. My biggest pet peeve with myself? I let people determine each chapter. Not me. Others. I allow someone else to tell my story. I thought author of the moment? That's dumb. I promise I'm not the only one. May be your spouse. Kids. Friend. Ex. Future ex. Parent. Who knows. But WE ALL have different authors. Grand kids. Every single person has the opportunity to change our story. Do we let them? I usually do yes. 

So. Who is the author of your current chapter? Who tells the story? Is it you? Someone else? Will you let them? Do you end up happy? That's what the song asked. Author of the moment. Do I end up happy? 

I have to be my own author. I have to. I won't have much of a story if I let someone else tell it. 

The Importance of Iron

Long time no blog eh? 

As you may or may not know I lost a job. Gained a job. And then had a little surgery after that. Spent my second consecutive Fourth of July in the OSF ER. That was fun. Not. 

Long story short I was having female problems. Two weeks to the day I started my new job. I'm sure that looked great to my new employer. I was back home in 24 hours having a surgery that required me to make a decision to give up my right to have children. Oh well. You didn't want any anyway right Tiff? I don't have the answer to that question but I know I wanted the right to choose. I took it pretty hard. Harder than even I thought I would. Either way I opted for the surgery that would not allow me to have children. And I am coming to terms with that as long as I never have another period. If that happens well I haven't decided who will feel that wrath. Time will tell. 

I lost a lot of blood during this ordeal and never really felt ok after surgery. But the OB/GYN assured me surgery was a success and I should take this up with my regular Dr. After battling with the phones for 3 days I got my wish and had some blood drawn. I have no iron in my blood. Zip. Zero. Not registering. Can't build your blood count back up without it and those little red cells can't function without it either. So I started an iron supplement and I wait. 

I felt awful. Awful. No energy. No desire. No pep in my step. Didn't feel like me. Didn't care if I felt anything. Couldn't sleep but I didn't want to move either. Going out to eat was a task. So unlike me. I knew I probably lost some but I didn't know all of it would be gone. So as I sit here typing my first blog in eons I want to stress the importance of finding out when you just don't feel like yourself. It doesn't help I battle depression on a good day so this just put me in a big funk. I knew something was up. Nor did I know how beneficial iron was to your day to day health and well being. I wanted to crawl in a hole. 

I think I'm on the mend now but like I said time will tell. I will not be eating liver as suggested to increase my iron intake through diet but I can increase my leafy greens. Mom has to get iron transfusions as she does not absorb it. So that concerned me. But what concerned me more was feeling so pathetic. I'm sorry mom. But I understand now. And it sucks. It sucks bad. 

And lastly. Cherish your babies. Your kids. It's very easy to complain about them or get frustrated with them or be at your wits end with them. Just try to remember there is someone right around you. Closer than you think. Who doesn't get to make that choice. To have children at all. And remember to count your blessings because children are definitely that. And they were a choice. A choice you got to make. 

Pick you up on the way to the end of the world...

Do you know where you are going when the end of the world comes?  Do you have a plan?  Are you a “prepper?”  You know, one of those people that do have a plan?  Well the good news is I am getting picked up, that is all I can say.

My work schedule changed, so I was no longer able to take the kids to school…but it’s slow at work now, so I decided to come in a little later and hence, I can take them…after all school is almost out.  The drive went something like this.

Me-GOOD MORNING DALTON!  Did you miss Aunt Tiff?

Dalton-Yeah

Me-No you didn’t

Dalton-Yes, YES I did.

Me-Where is your sister? Is she being a biotch?

Dalton-She’s coming and always.

Me-How many more days of school?

Dalton-mumbling something about last day, and how he is not going because he can’t put off the trip to  Minnesota

Me-With Dad?  Boys fishing trip?

Dalton-And hopefully Nick and Chase

Me to Kolbie-GOOD MORNING SCOOBY!  Wahooo car pooling with Aunt Tiff again! How are you?

Kolbie-hmmmmph, fine

Me-I wish I could go on a fishing trip and catch some big walleye and eat them right then and there, but there is probably no girls allowed.

Dalton-Kolbie

Me-Kolbie is going?

Dalton-No she is a girl and she is not allowed.

Kolbie-Shut up Dalton

Dalton-You shut up

Me-Kolbie are you ready for school to be out?

Kolbie-yes I hate school

Me-Can you believe Bella is graduating?  I cannot believe it.  Your brother will be soon too!

Kolbie-I wish I was, everyone in my class is mean, they are jerks

Me-Have you ever seen Step Brothers?

D/K-Yeah

Me-Just call them boats and hoes

D/K-Giggles K-I love that show!

Me-well you probably should not call them that at school, but you can sing it in your head

Kolbie-I know every single line in that movie!

Me-IT’S THE FREAKING CATALINA WINE MIXER!

Me-So…did you see the Bald Eagle in Papa’s field yesterday?  It was so pretty and I would imagine if I got up close to one I would probably crap my pants because they are so cool and so big. 

Giggles…

Me to Dalton-So how is your prepping going?

Dalton-Prepping?

Me-end of the world, zombie apocalypse…

Dalton-I honestly haven’t thought about it much and there really is no way to prepare for all the different kinds.

Me-like nuclear versus chemical or viral

Dalton-yeah and not all zombies act the same

Me-I don’t care how they act, I want to know who is going to come get me, I mean where are we going, do we have a plan?

Kolbie-It’s called a car and someone will drive to get you, probably me.

Dalton-NO Kolbie it will not be you, we cannot have people driving cars who can’t keep their heads together

Kolbie-Shut up I can too, I will just run them over

Dalton-no, you will not be driving, anything, there will be plenty of other people who can handle the job

Me-STOP, I just want to know what the hell I am supposed to do?  Who is in charge of me?

Dalton-long pause, drawing pictures in the air, thinking…

Dalton-We will swing by and get you, it’s on the way

Me-On the way to where?

Kolbie-The bunker duh

Me-We have a bunker and I don’t know about it?

Dalton-you know not all zombies eat people, some are harmless

Me-I am pretty sure I am not going to take the time to figure it out

Me-Like I imagine it to be just like The Walking Dead

Kolbie-I will have a knife, to stab them in the head

Me-I think you will need a sword

Dalton-we will not be using many guns, we don’t need to alert others to our location

Me-Yeah and it’s not like we will have an unlimited supply of ammo, it will be just like The Walking Dead and we will have to travel to steal more

Dalton-yes that is a very good depiction of the end of the world, pretty accurate if you ask me

Me-well, let’s be honest, Rick has a lot on his shoulders, but even he loses his mind sometimes, so maybe we should consider letting Kolbie drive

Dalton-ummmm no

Just a chapter in your book...

There are so many things I want to write today.  SO. VERY. MANY.  But with the current state of my mind, it's probably best that I just go as far from what I really want to say as I can.

With that being said.  My oldest niece graduates next week.  Today is her last day of High School.  If you knew how hard it was to raise this child, you would understand the magnitude of this day.  And I can say that because I did help raise her.  In more ways then just babysitting her.

If you do not know Isabella Marie Boyer personally, its doubtful any of this will make sense.  But it should still be a great read.  And yes I have already written to her a couple times with my advice but really, can an Aunt ever give TOO much advice?

She remains to this day, probably to this moment, the most stubborn hard-headed little creature I have ever met.  Like when a child is created they obviously get the best and worst of both of their parents.  She did.  And multiplied.  It has been her way or the highway since she was old enough to smile.  None of that has changed.  She is feisty, she is temperamental, she is obstinate, she is ballsy, she is independent, she is extremely stuck in her ways, she is an individual, she is just her.  Of all of the people I have ever met in my life, she is probably one of the very few who took the products of her environment and instead of allowing them to "form and mold" her, she refused to be changed.  It sounds like someone else I know, but to compare our battles would be futile because they will never be the same.

So Bella, on this your last day of HS, I can say a few things. This is just a chapter in your book dear.  There will be many new ones.  Take the advice or leave it.  You know enough about your Aunt to know that I will say it anyway...I don't claim to ever be right or wrong, I just claim that everyone will always know how I feel.

Here goes...

• There will be a day soon, sooner than you think, that you will wish you hadn't wished these past 4 years away.  I don't know when, and I don't know why, but now is when the hard stuff begins.  
• People are cruel.  Vindictive, hurtful, mean.  They are everywhere and you can't run from them.  It doesn't matter how far "you go" you will find more.  Just know that, because it won't change after HS.
• The next 4 years or however long it takes to accomplish your current goal, are going to be the best.  I still look back today and wish I could back to college and that "time" in my life.  You have freedom, but you still have roots.  Only you can determine how much freedom and only you can decide how much you need of your roots to continue to keep you grounded.
• Be who YOU want to be.  Not what you think others want you to be.  If you begin a degree and you don't like it, change it.
• Be nice.  Be polite.  Be kind.  Be open.  Listen.  Embrace. Laugh. Cry.  Throw things. Punch a bag, go for a walk, ride a bike, go fishing.  I don't think I have to tell you any of this, because you already do.
• Friends come and go.  Good friends come and go.  If you can believe in, have faith in, and trust just a few, then you are rich beyond years.  YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE to validate that.
• You will learn and really soon, that having "things" doesn't necessarily make a person happy.  It just means you have a lot of things.  
• You will be successful and happy as long as you don't get in your own damn way.  Don't depend on someone else to get those things for you...because you will be severely disappointed.
• And speaking of, people will disappoint you daily.  Including your parents and family.  It happens...part of the cycle.  Try not to have expectations.  I would love to tell you it is easy but I myself haven't mastered that.  Just try.

I could go on and on and on and on, but just remember to take care of you.  The older you get the more you will realize that YOU are all that will take care of you.  You will understand what that means some day.  And change your attitude...if you go into a day shitty and pissy, the world will hand that to you on silver platter.  I know, I have them about once a week.  I am not telling you how to live your life, I am telling you all the things I wish I would have learned when I was your age.

Give someone your heart when you are ready.  And be prepared for them to hurt you, cause it will happen and it won't be the first time...but give it to them when you are ready...not a minute before.  And speaking of that, you don't need to bother with any of that nonsense if you don't have love for and believe in yourself.  If those two things don't exist, carry on, you won't meet anyone anyway...the sexiest thing you can wear is your confidence, but don't just wear it, live it.  And I promise love will follow.  The right love.

I will be sad next Friday when you walk across the stage because A)it makes me feel old, and B)I never dreamed we would get you here. 

I love you to the moon and back, infinity and beyond.

And please, never, ever, ever, ever, forget....

Once in awhile, blow your own damn mind.

Love Aunt Tiff...

It takes a Village...

Tripping my trigger...Flipping my switch, getting my goat, frosting my cake, pissing me off, whatever you want to call it, it happens.  To us all.  Something.  At any moment, at any time, on any God given day.  I don't expect it, sometimes it just happens.  And sometimes its dumb and not worth my time or my writing and sometimes I just need to write so I can get it out of the space that it occupies in my head.  It has never been said that I would write the book on how to make friends and influence people, but this is MY venue and I am free to use it how I will.  So...consider yourselves warned.

My former bar is set to re-open soon under new ownership, which will be the 3rd since I closed.  I do not profess to have known the secret to running a good business.  I made a lot of mistakes.  Daily.  Just ask Sister.  She will tell you all of them in detail.  No one was harder on me then myself.  Anyway, the fact that it's the 3rd since I closed has no bearing on my feelings.  Or who it is.  Or where they are from.  Or what they have done.  Or who they know.  Or...you get the idea.  I RESPECT anyone who attempts to run their own business, whatever it may be, but I am particularly fond of this type of business because I myself tried.  It is so so so so so very easy to sit on that bar stool and critique an owner, and I accepted all criticism but I paid most attention to those who had either ran their own business or that type.  If you hadn't and you still criticized me, then I considered you a "backseat driver."  No one can drive as good as the actual driver.  And if you weren't driving then you are usually the first to complain...anyway.  Back to RESPECT...

KUDOS to anyone who tries.  ANYONE.  And in whatever way they want.  You can give a person all of the tips and tricks you want, but everyone has to learn what works best for them.  I offered my assistance to both owners who took over after I did, because I had been there and I am personal friends with them both.  Sally saved my life.  I have never made that a secret.  She allowed me to get on with my life and I will never forget her for that.

Maquon is NOT an easy venue to run a business.  Despite its location right on a heavily trafficked road, the community itself is pretty picky about who and what they will support.  There were a lot of people that I would have expected to patronize my business, who did not, and although I always wondered why, to each their own, everyone is free to choose where to go and spend their money.  It could have been because they didn't like my name, my family, my personality, my sexuality, the food, the service, the employees...whatever, it would have killed me trying to figure it out, because I do NOT like when people don't like me, so I just focused on the business and making it the best place it could be for those that did support me.  I think the only thing that ever pissed me off about "why" people wouldn't come is because it was "a gay bar."  Ummm, yeah, about the furthest from it.  But whatever, you can't fix stupid.

Not only is it hard to run a business in Maquon even when you are born and raised there, but it's as much if not ten times more difficult when you are NOT from there.  It's hard to explain, but it's the way the village has always been.  Regardless, that bar will do well if it can accomplish ONE THING.  Consistency.  Consistent hours, consistently good customer service, and consistently good food.  Was mine all of those things all the time?  Hell no.  We were lucky if we could get two at the same time.  It's not easy to do...but it is what we strived for daily.  I blame no one but myself for my failing in those three things.  It is easy to lose your way when you stop caring.  I had some major personal issues happen while owning it and I allowed them to control my life, which ultimately was the demise of those three things I listed above.

My trigger was tripped when for the past week at the very mention of the place re-opening, all I have heard is that it is going to be boycotted.  That people are being physically told not to support it.  I have no idea if that is true or not, but if it is?  Well, then you have opened up Pandora's box with me.

As I said, I don't know if this is another rumor that somehow gains perpetual motion via spreading it, or if there is any truth to it or not, but I can say this...WHY?  As a former owner I RESPECT and APPRECIATE anyone who tries it.  And more power to you if you can make it a success.  I will be incredibly jealous.  Not because I couldn't or didn't give it a damn good try, but because it takes a passion and a drive that I lost along the way and I miss it.  But why would you purposely not want people to do well?  I don't get it.  And if that is what is being said and people abide by it, well, then I guess that is your own business but don't expect that from me.  I am a grown ass woman.  I make my own decisions.  And pay my own bills...so if the 3 laws of Ernie don't apply, I am sorry but Fuck Off.  Unless you affect my family, pay my bills or I sleep with you, you don't get to tell me what to do.  If it is true, and I do go and give them my business, it sounds like I will be losing some friends...are they really though if that is the case?

I don't get it.  I just don't.  Again...I am not saying this is actually the truth, I am saying if it is, I don't condone it.  Life is hard enough.  The world is hard enough.  Everyone should have a chance to make their own way.  Why take that away from someone?  Why sabotage it, if it has nothing to do with you?  What would their lack of success do for you personally?  I can't wrap my hands around how whether if they do poorly or if they do well, how it can affect any individual unless they have a financially vested interest in the place.

Either way.  They will get my business, until they give me a reason not to.  That place will hold a special place in my heart for as long as my heart is beating.  No one can take that away or change that.  I want to see it do well.  I want to see the people who try, do well.  I want anyone who TRIES anything once to do well.  That alone is more than most people are willing to put on the line.

I don't profess to know what happened with either of the previous owners, why they got out, or what caused them to, or any of that, it is none of my business, it became NONE of my business when I SOLD my business.  I make my own decisions and form my own opinions about who and where I spend my money.  The money I earn.  The money that I get up and make every single day, by myself.

So with that, Dawn and Steve, you have my best wishes on your new endeavor   It will not be easy.  It's back breaking, pain staking work.  It's thankless a lot of times.  It has many rewards as well.  Be good to people and people will be good to you back.  Well, they should be...But you will have my support until you give me a reason why you shouldn't.  Regardless of how you do it, it takes a Village.  In more ways then you will realize.

Miss Understood

Just yesterday as I was coming back from a completely unplanned day of self pampering (which in and of itself is unheard of in my book,) I was telling my friend Melissa why I think I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. Well maybe it was not that intense of a conversation but I have recently realized that I am different. Laugh if you want. But I just figured it out. Different how you ask?

I am obsessed with communication. Obsessed. For a couple reasons. One being it is ingrained in ever fiber of my being. I don't know how NOT to. Two because in today's technology there is no excuse for poor communication. There just isn't. But most importantly I believe I have been this way for a long time. Maybe forever. I feel compelled to explain things until its explained to death. Because its imperative I'm understood. Why? Why do I care if people get what I'm trying to say? What the hell is the point of talking if you don't want people to know what the hell you mean?

I feel like my insatiable need for being understood or for understood communication is intimidating to most people. It's a blessing and a curse. Most people would love to be so honest and genuine and real and have no secrets. Some people enjoy being an introvert and not have people ask questions. I am not one of them. And I can be intense about this. To the point where some people are overwhelmed with my need to understand or communicate. And I don't think I can change this. I don't know that I need to. I just know that it can, has, and does affect my relationships. Especially new ones. I think this insatiable need can actually turn people away. I take for granted that its as easy for others as it is for me. And frankly it's not.

With that being said though I can assure you that as overwhelming as that may be for someone, there is also far more to me then that and if you base your entire opinion of me on just that, well, you are the one who loses. Truly. I'm not being egotistical or vain. I'm being sincere. There is sooooo much more to me then that. And if you don't want to see, I can't make you. But I don't have time for it either.

This is not my first rodeo. I know the words human beings use when they want to politely tell you they aren't interested. In even a friendship. I won't say I have not used them myself. I know the actions people take when they want you to back off or whatever.

There are a lot of things I want in my life. But I need NOTHING. I definitely don't need people in my life who don't want to get to know me. And I don't need to be misunderstood. Ask if you don't know. Not everyone will like me or enjoy my company, and likewise for me with others, but please don't assume you know where I'm coming from because I don't.

As most of you know as much as I loved being in a relationship, I don't have much faith in them so...

No one wants to be misunderstood. But communication is like air for me, so there's a pretty good bet that if we struggle at the beginning with it...I'm probably going to walk away. I beat myself up over far too many things for one of them to be over someone who doesn't know me at all.

If its important to you, you'll find a way. If its not you'll find an excuse. The same applies to people.

Don't Come At Me...

There are a lot of things I care about that a lot of you don't know I care about.  And then some of you do.  Know that I care about these things.  And some of those things I don't talk about because it just creates drama that I do not want nor need in my life.  Like I specifically don't talk about politics or religion, but it is not because I don't care about them.  They personally infuriate me and to be honest I am not that educated about either to go spouting off about them.  People should believe what they want and follow who they want and act however they want.  That's why we were supposedly given the freedoms that we have today.  And to be honest, far more important people fight daily for those freedoms and are severely underpaid for them.  The amount of money we pay a professional athlete versus the man or the woman on the front line fighting for our right to watch that athlete without getting blown to pieces, is ass backwards if you ask me.  But no one has in fact...asked me.

Here is something I do care very very much about.  And I don't speak of it often, because if you know me it shouldn't need explained.  But sometimes it does.  I was reminded this morning by my Sister, that just because people don't believe what I believe, doesn't mean either one of us is wrong, and that I have to respect a persons right to not follow my beliefs.  And I do.  Usually.  IF you can show me and explain to me why you believe what you believe.  Because I am willing to defend my beliefs by explaining them to you.

The past few days have been monumental in terms of what is happening in the Human Rights Campaign.  Let us be real clear that HUMAN RIGHTS is simply that...it DOES NOT JUST ENCOMPASS GAY RIGHTS...it's a thought that some day, some way, some how, all humans will be treated equally.  Gay, straight, bi, black, white, male, female.  So please, don't call what's happening right now at the Supreme Court level, a Gay Crusade.  It's one facet of the Human Rights campaign and just so happens to be the current focus.  Marriage Equality.  That a HUMAN deserves the right to marry any other HUMAN they so desire.  But please do not come at me with, if that happens, then people will be allowed to marry their pets next.  By saying something even remotely like that, you describe yourself in ways no action ever needs to.

I do not disrespect people who want the definition of marriage to stay what it is.  You are entitled to feel that way.  But please don't come at with the union of a same sex couple will ruin the "sanctity" of marriage.  Straight people do that daily all by themselves.  Honestly don't come at me with that phrase at all.

I do not disrespect people who's life is guided by the Bible.  I have personally never met anyone in my lifetime that has read it cover to cover.  So please don't come at me with "excerpts" of it which clearly shows that God and Jesus hates gays.  Or that we are an abomination.  Because that would mean you haven't read all of the other stuff it says about not killing, not cheating, not lying, not wearing certain fabrics, not judging, etc. etc.  I have never read the entire Bible, so I sure as hell would never throw that book at someone.  It says a lot of things.

I do not give two shits about what you and your straight significant other, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband and or wife, do in the privacy of your own bedroom.  So please don't come at me with what I do or how I feel or how I experience love is wrong and sick.  Unless I am having sex in the broad daylight, you have no need to care what I do, who I do it with, or how I do it.  If you think that is sick and wrong, I suggest you do some research on what happens to woman, children and even men, in OUR own country, who get sold as sex slaves.

I have never asked anyone, friends or family to embrace me or my choices.  If they couldn't or chose not to, we simply would not exist in one another's lives.  I will not force anything I feel down anybody's throats.  Just not how I roll.  What is happening right now in the Supreme Court is a big deal.  It is a big deal to me.  You do not have to embrace it as I am, you don't even have to like it.  I wouldn't choose to not associate with you if you did.  I would chose to not associate with you if you came at me with any of the above excuses.  Because to be honest, they don't hold a lot of water for me.