Just yesterday as I was coming back from a completely unplanned day of self pampering (which in and of itself is unheard of in my book,) I was telling my friend Melissa why I think I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. Well maybe it was not that intense of a conversation but I have recently realized that I am different. Laugh if you want. But I just figured it out. Different how you ask?
I am obsessed with communication. Obsessed. For a couple reasons. One being it is ingrained in ever fiber of my being. I don't know how NOT to. Two because in today's technology there is no excuse for poor communication. There just isn't. But most importantly I believe I have been this way for a long time. Maybe forever. I feel compelled to explain things until its explained to death. Because its imperative I'm understood. Why? Why do I care if people get what I'm trying to say? What the hell is the point of talking if you don't want people to know what the hell you mean?
I feel like my insatiable need for being understood or for understood communication is intimidating to most people. It's a blessing and a curse. Most people would love to be so honest and genuine and real and have no secrets. Some people enjoy being an introvert and not have people ask questions. I am not one of them. And I can be intense about this. To the point where some people are overwhelmed with my need to understand or communicate. And I don't think I can change this. I don't know that I need to. I just know that it can, has, and does affect my relationships. Especially new ones. I think this insatiable need can actually turn people away. I take for granted that its as easy for others as it is for me. And frankly it's not.
With that being said though I can assure you that as overwhelming as that may be for someone, there is also far more to me then that and if you base your entire opinion of me on just that, well, you are the one who loses. Truly. I'm not being egotistical or vain. I'm being sincere. There is sooooo much more to me then that. And if you don't want to see, I can't make you. But I don't have time for it either.
This is not my first rodeo. I know the words human beings use when they want to politely tell you they aren't interested. In even a friendship. I won't say I have not used them myself. I know the actions people take when they want you to back off or whatever.
There are a lot of things I want in my life. But I need NOTHING. I definitely don't need people in my life who don't want to get to know me. And I don't need to be misunderstood. Ask if you don't know. Not everyone will like me or enjoy my company, and likewise for me with others, but please don't assume you know where I'm coming from because I don't.
As most of you know as much as I loved being in a relationship, I don't have much faith in them so...
No one wants to be misunderstood. But communication is like air for me, so there's a pretty good bet that if we struggle at the beginning with it...I'm probably going to walk away. I beat myself up over far too many things for one of them to be over someone who doesn't know me at all.
If its important to you, you'll find a way. If its not you'll find an excuse. The same applies to people.
