I pray you've found your peace...

I'm pretty sure most of the humans I know would never dream in a million years how sad some of my saddest days have been. There have been some bad ones. I would be lying if I said I have never had a time where I thought I wanted to go to sleep and stay that way. My first experience with depression showed its ugly head my freshman year of college. I've battled it ever since. I will battle it forever. There is one thing I will not do though and that is compare my sadness to anyone else's. 

The old walk a mile in my shoes saying? I don't need to do that. Because I don't think one persons sadness or ability to deal with or not deal with it is comparable. Are there far worse trials and tribulations then what I've ever gone through? You are damn right there is. I'm not battling an I curable disease, I don't have an addiction to something I can't control, I'm not homeless or penniless, I'm not in prison, or have lost a child...the list goes on. But I get sad. I get real sad sometimes. Have I seen rock bottom? In others eyes not even close. Have I felt it? So many times I've lost count. 

My point is I do not compare my life with anyone else's. I cannot. I would not survive if I did. I can't begin to imagine what some people go through on a daily basis and yet somehow, they do. But If I get sad and I say, oh well so and so has it so much worse, while that may be a factual statement, it doesn't lessen my sadness at that moment. 

Sadness is something that has to work itself out. Have you ever tried to make yourself happy when you were sad? It doesn't work. It has to run its course and if you want to make it through it, you have to have patience to do just that. Let yourself be sad. Some people can pretend to be ok. I'm not them. 

There are a myriad of reasons why someone is sad. Some things that make me sad, others think are stupid for wasting my time on them. There are a thousand reasons why someone allows that sadness to engulf them, like a roaring fire that's out of control. Some people rely on others to help put that fire out, some people take alone time, some people immerse themselves in staying busy to get through it. We all handle it differently. 

And at the most extreme, someone ends their life over it. I have no clue what happens to a person to make a decision so final, but it cannot be an easy one to make. I don't think it's spontaneous. I don't think it's just an instantaneous thing. I think it's got to be the most torturous decision a person can make. 

Some people call it selfish. The Catholic Church used to not recognize a person if they did so. I don't know their stance on it these days. Some people call it the ultimate betrayal. Whatever you call it or however you view it, it's final. And leaves so many questions. And even though I can barely wrap my head around sadness period, that's a sadness I just can't. And trust me when I say I have seen some dark places. Are they are as dark as others? Clearly not, but they are dark. And it was my darkness to get through. And I did. With help. Or time. Or patience. Or drugs. But when those things don't help someone? I can't imagine that sadness I really can't. 

The commercial depression hurts? It does. In so many ways. Not just yourself but those around you. And if not dealt with it can truly be a silent killer. 

Someone I knew put an end to their sadness. Closed the book on their journey. Far too early in her life. And although I will never know how or why, I don't sit here and think what a selfish thing she did...I sit here and think my God that's a sad I cannot fathom. That's a darkness I never want to see or feel. That's not something I can comprehend. And it makes me sad to think she was so sad she couldn't live another minute. 

I don't need to walk a mile in anyone's shoes. I have plenty of trouble walking in my own. I am not and I refuse to ever, going to judge her or criticize her for making such an irrevercible decision. I can't possibly know what she was thinking. I don't want to. I can pray for her family and friends. I can pray she is at peace, something she obviously didn't feel here. And I can pray for everyone who feels like whatever life is throwing their way, that they can get through it in whatever way they can. And I can pray for those around them to see the signs and know when a person needs their help. 

Please don't take a persons sadness lightly. Especially if they share it with you. It's not an easy thing to share. Maybe you can't help them but you are capable of helping them find ways someone or something can. 

Life is so fragile. It becomes its most fragile the moment we think its no longer worth living. 

Rest in peace my friend. Although we werent terribly close You were a very important chapter in my own life's journey. 

I pray you've found your peace. 

Author of the moment...

So. At my crazy new job this morning I hear this song. I think it's called Happy Ever After. Or something. But she kept saying the same thing over and over. 

"Author of the moment. Do I end up happy?"

Initially I thought that's stupid. And then it hit me. Like the ton of bricks I hope I never get hit with. My biggest pet peeve with myself? I let people determine each chapter. Not me. Others. I allow someone else to tell my story. I thought author of the moment? That's dumb. I promise I'm not the only one. May be your spouse. Kids. Friend. Ex. Future ex. Parent. Who knows. But WE ALL have different authors. Grand kids. Every single person has the opportunity to change our story. Do we let them? I usually do yes. 

So. Who is the author of your current chapter? Who tells the story? Is it you? Someone else? Will you let them? Do you end up happy? That's what the song asked. Author of the moment. Do I end up happy? 

I have to be my own author. I have to. I won't have much of a story if I let someone else tell it.