I also don't understand the depths of a parents love for their children. So I can emphatically say that I have no idea what my fathers death has been like for my mother.
There are some who would say who cares, she left him. Why does she have feelings period? Well because they spent 40 years together that's why. If you knew THE WHOLE story instead of the one painted for you, you would understand a lot more, but that's not what this blog is about.
My siblings and I were three very different people prior to his death. I know none of us are even remotely close to those people now. For the one left behind, that has to be hard to watch. Your children changing right before your eyes, or what you can hear in the sound of their voice.
Let's be honest. The world expected my mother to go first. At times I am sure she personally wished she had. But she didn't. And the double whammy about this whole thing? We also had to grieve the loss of her departure from the marriage as well. She just remained living.
So what I would say to you, the one who was left behind...because you went through this as well it was just a long time ago...and I will only speak for me...
You moved away, for a new start, in a new place, with a new life. No one supported that more than I. You also were no longer right around us in proximity. You kind of went "out of the way" but to where you finally felt like home. Don't regret that, nor do I. You had a second chance, you wiped the slate clean.
Not only am I the most sensitive of your three children but I also was the one who physically spent the most time with you and Dad. The good, the bad, the ugly. The death of the marriage was extremely difficult for me as I was trying to keep Dad functioning and running a business. I watched his heart break. It's a terribly hard thing to watch when you are watching your other parents blossom. I will not say Dads death was hardest on me personally because I can't accurately say that. I can say it affected me differently. Because I witnessed so much.
My love for you has never changed. I know we are not as close as we were or talk as often as we did but if you ask my friends I'm not doing that with anyone anymore.
Just because I don't come down there doesn't mean I don't think about you. I do every single day. Brodie adores you two. And I wish you were closer so he could spend more time with you. He was raised in a home with a revolving door. This death and our move out on our own has been socially challenging for him as well.
Half of me is because of you. You don't lose that or forget that. Life has thrown me so many curveballs. And you were there, at the end of every game, ready to take me home. You are and will always be my biggest fan.
You are not thought of less because you are all we have left. I'm just going through a process of sorting it all out. We weren't prepared for his death. You never are. But we really weren't prepared for what followed. Even if you saw the writing on the wall all those years ago.
I have your heart. Your spunk. And when people meet you they immediately know where I was hand crafted. I'm sad some of the newest people in my life will never know the other person who helped me become me.
There is nothing you can do to help us. Just support the process. Realize it takes time and so much effort. I kind of feel like I woke up from a storm and I'm just crawling out of the debris.
I love you with all my heart and soul. And so I say to you, to the one left behind...
Our love for him is intensified because of his absence. Our love for you has not faltered or changed it just has not been as easy to see. Try not to think of it as you living in the shadows his death left behind, but rather you are shining the light for our way out of them.
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