My reason to be brave...

Why is it that when some people pass, even if we do not know these people personally, the grief is overwhelming?  Or that it hurts your heart?  Like truly, your heart hurts.

I was sad when my Grandpa passed.  But it was, as we say in our oh so articulate world we live in (sarcasm) "a blessing." A blessing?  We say a blessing before we eat.  We receive the blessing (if you are Catholic) at Mass.  The very word blessing means the following:

the act or words of a person who blesses
a special favor, mercy or benefit
a favor or gift bestowed by God
the invoking of God's favor upon a person
praise, devotion or worship, especially grace, said before a meal

Ok...so who receives the favor or gift from God?  The person who passes?  Or those who are left to grieve?  I honestly have no idea, but we sure do say it a lot.  And yes, I suppose when a person is suffering and that suffering ends, that is a gift, for everyone involved.  Personally I want to know why there has to be suffering in the first place, because it seems to me that incredibly wonderful people suffer the most.  Is it a blessing when someone passes quickly and unexpectedly?  What do we call that?  When we have no warning?

I suppose you could call cancer one of the biggest warnings of all.  Although, it is generally complications of the disease that eventually take a persons life.  I don't really care what happens in the process of cancer, I just know that I hate its life and the cells it rides in on.  And yes, I said hate.  Because I do hate it.  I have lost my fair share of friends and family to the son of a bitch.  Some went peacefully, others did not.  Some had it entirely too young, some older.  It is the only thing that exists in this world that is not prejudice.  Interesting no?  Cancer doesn't give a fat rats ass who it hurts.  Or the people it leaves behind to pick up the pieces.  I have friends and family dealing with cancer right now.  Is it a "blessing" that they "know" what may or may not take their existence from this earth?  I guess I would have to ask them that.  I can't imagine having that information being a blessing, but that kind of thing is different for everyone.

I did not host a benefit for my cousin Jetty because he is my cousin.  Or because his mother and I were close when we were younger.  Or because we spent our summers together growing up.  Or because our grandfathers were brothers.  I did it because I could.  It was that simple.  But I promise you this, the minute he showed up in the yard that day, my life was forever changed.  Cancer had a face.  Cancer was 5.  Cancer wanted to play ball and run and scream and giggle and paint his face. And in that minute, you don't hate cancer...because you cannot imagine that anything so horrible could ever take any of that innocence from that child.  But cancer is tricky.  Cancer is devious.  Cancer is a conniving asshole.  (By the way Jetty is doing good...I just like to express my hatred of cancer as brutally honest as possible.)

Cancer took someone else I knew, recently.  I didn't know her well, but her mother was my favorite teacher, ever.  And I have had a lot of teachers.  I got to meet Alissa once, at Target actually, I think they may have been getting stuff to go on their trip to Florida.  I remember thinking in that moment, first, I hate you cancer, second, Alissa looks so tired, but happy to be going on a trip and third, that Nancy looked as I always remembered her, ready to take on whatever came her way.  She was probably one of the most empathetic people I had ever met and let me tell you in 5th grade you don't even know what that means, but you will later.  And it will mean everything to you.

To be honest, I thought Alissa was doing well.  I hadn't heard any good or bad.  Then out of nowhere the news came flooding in.  Why? How? What? Where?  All the usual suspects showed up...mostly though, dear God...at Christmas?  Nancy, I am so sorry...even at 21 years old she is still your baby...how do you tell someone you are sorry that they have to say goodbye to their baby?  AT CHRISTMAS?  And why in the hell is this hitting me so hard in the solar plexus?  Maybe because at 21 I never gave one thought to never seeing 22.  Did she wonder when?  Did she wake up everyday and think, this could be the last day?  I will never know and frankly it's none of my business...but it is stuff that goes through your head...

I will attend another visitation tonight.  And I will tell a family I am sorry.  Sorry that this and every single Christmas after this will never be the same.  And I will go, not only to show my love and support, but to comfort myself.  And I really don't understand how comforting oneself can happen by watching others hurting, but that is just how it works...

Her mom posted on FB this morning, how grateful she was for her family and friends and the prayers...and how Alissa would have wanted her life celebrated and I think to myself, here she is comforting others, when it should be the other way around, but perhaps that is what is comforting to her.

I don't believe I have what it takes to be a nurse that helps children, hell, anyone with cancer.  I just don't.  I don't know how I could not take that stuff home with me.  So, I will do the only other thing I know how.  I will volunteer.  And I will build houses, or I will help at the hospital, or I will deliver toys, or I will host more benefits, but I will not walk away from this.  I can't.  I have been in contact with St. Jude and I can promise you that when I get my assignments, everyone I know will know about them.  Because every single person I know has been affected by cancer, either personally, or through someone they know.  I don't want to know how many different types of cancer there is, because it is unfathomable to me...too damn many...but everywhere you turn, there it is.  So cancer?  Since I have no other way to kill your ass, I will just get in your face.  You can take lives.  Day in and day out, you can take them.  But you cannot take a persons spirit.  Nothing can. And if something does?  Well then I hate that too.  So...this begins my crusade against cancer.  The most prejudice biggest ass bully I know.  And I have never liked a bully.

Nancy, you and yours are in my thoughts today and tomorrow.  Actually, you haven't left them since I heard the news...but I want to thank you.  Thank you for making us all feel better about what you have to endure the next two days because frankly I cannot imagine it.

Last Saturday I believe I said to my mother, that I think I know why God didn't give me any children.  You don't stop being a parent.  Ever.  So they are adults at 18?  So what.  You still ache and break and bend for your child...and I personally don't know that I could survive losing a child.  I really don't.  He did give me the ability to fight for children though.  And so I will...

Bring it on cancer...bring. it. on.

When you stand up and hold out your hand...

in the face of what I don't understand...

My reason to be brave.

Free Will...

I had an entire blog written about this past weeks events, but I could not bring myself to publish it.  Interesting for me since I really don't care if I upset people with my opinion.  It's just that, my opinion.  But I will say the following and then it will most likely be the last time you hear from me about it.

As humans we want to know WHY.  We want to associate a reason for everything that happens.  There was no God, God was removed from school, blame the gays, stricter gun laws, blame Obama, blame Dr.'s for not prescribing the correct meds, blame the government for removing mental health care funds...the point is, people are going to blame whoever they want, based on whatever their OWN beliefs may be, because that is just how we function, we have to blame someone.  Or something.  The point is, the person to blame is no longer here.  We will never know.  The police will form an opinion on it, but we will never know the real reason.  Speculating why really doesn't do anyone any favors.  Especially the survivors.  Because getting the answer will not bring them back.

I don't know why.  I don't know why right now there are 20 kids somewhere in America who are starving, who are malnourished, who are being beaten, abused mentally, emotionally and physically, who are being bullied because of their beliefs, or worse yet taken and being used in human trafficking...since that is out of sight and out of mind, we don't have to think much about it...but it's happening.  Right now as I type this.  No I am not minimizing what happened in CT, it just happens to be what is at the forefront of the new age of technology today, and what happened will be in our faces for quite awhile.  It's raw.  It's horrible.  It's unfathomable for most of us...but so much happens daily that is, so much that we never see.

I don't have kids.  I am not about to tell you or anyone what kids should be told on how to deal with this or cope or understand.  I am 40 and I don't understand.  I do understand that I am not going to spew my opinion on WHY because I have no earthly idea.  Blame God?  Or his lack of presence?  Hypocritical.  Some horrible crimes have been committed by people who were raised in God fearing homes.  I blame no one but the one who instituted the whole act.  I do not know what was missing in his life or what caused him to go to these extremes, but he did and the reality of it is a lot of innocent people are no longer alive.

I was born and raised Catholic.  I am not going to explain anything about my religious beliefs or how I was raised or why.  I will tell you that there are two words that my mother told me, probably within the last 15 years, that will resonate with me for the rest of my life.  And it is what I believe.  And it is what I need to believe to get me through every single day of my own life, which is the only one I need to be concerned about.  Those two words?  Free Will.  He gave us Free Will.  Does that make it easier for me to understand why some children will never grow up?  No, but it allows me to place the blame on the one person who carried out this heinous crime.  And only him.

For the record...

People make me laugh.  Sometimes.  Sometimes they make me cry.  Sometimes they piss me off.  Sometimes they make me sick to my stomach.  But mostly, I laugh, because I am never more amazed at the stories some people create based on having no actual facts.  Totally missing the boat if they don't volunteer to read to children at the library!  It has to be tiring though, coming up with a story?  Me?  I just go to the source...(Emily you will appreciate that) because if I want to know something why not ask the person themselves?

Anyway, the stories about why I moved out of Dad's house are cracking me up.  So let me just set the record straight, so everyone can get back to focusing on the task at hand, which is the upcoming Holidays, and not worrying about me!

Just the facts...

The decision to move was not sudden.  Actually I was thinking about it 13 years ago when I moved home.  For a million reasons, I remained in the house...however it wasn't healthy, not for me.  Approximately 2 months ago I inquired about this house and in all actuality is was not available, so I moved forward with getting interviews in Minnesota.  That didn't work out.  I inquired about the house again a couple weeks ago and it was available.  No more and no less than that.

Dad DID know I was moving.  He is aware that I am no longer there.  His not being present when I left was purely a coincidence.

There was no major blow out with Dad or any other member of the family.  This should have happened a very very long time ago.  A very large part of me stayed there because I didn't want to commit and if I did, I anticipated it would be out of state.  I finally jumped at an opportunity that presented itself.  The timing was perfect.

I did not buy the house, I am renting, from probably the two best landlords I have ever had in my life.

No one gave me $ to move, I have done this all on my own.  And contrary to popular belief or whatever may have come out of my fathers mouth at any point in time, his monthly expenses are not going to drastically decrease because I am no longer there.  I didn't cost him a fortune by living there.  I am guessing all his bills will remain the same.

I still have my job with Sister.  My "commute" is 20 minutes.  I personally know of others who drive a helluva lot farther than that...and it's not a big deal.  I still take Dalton and Kolbie to school who happen to appreciate that the car is nice and toasty warm when they get in it now!

Brodie is adjusting just fine.  I am increasing his meds until he gets comfortable, which he actually is doing better than anticipated, but mostly I think he senses my peace and happiness, which in turn makes it easier for both of us.

I did feel a sense of obligation to remain with Dad after the divorce, because frankly the man doesn't like being alone, but after my return home from Minnesota it was damn well past time for me to start worrying about myself...and it is a decision I should have made a very long time ago.

I have no idea how my brother feels about it or frankly if he even knows...we haven't discussed it.  Sister is super happy, but it was incredibly bittersweet for her...she will be fine.  I am sure this will be the best for all of us.

I don't think there is anything else off the top of my head that I need to confirm, but if something else comes up I will be sure to let everyone know.

Brodie and I absolutely love our new place.  I think he needs a friend, perhaps a kitten, but for now, we are getting settled and enjoying having something to call our own.  I have taken care of everyone else's needs for long enough, it's about us now...and to be brutally honest, I am at a peace I completely forgot existed or quite possibly have never even experienced.

Speaking Volumes...

I saw this posted somewhere yesterday…

“Say what you feel, in order for others to feel what you say.”

I personally don’t have a problem with this.  I have 99 problems, but this isn't one of them.  I would venture a guess that 99.99% of my friends and family FEEL everything I say.  One of the things I love about myself.  In fact, just last week I was driving around the Wisconsin countryside with one of my very best friends, house hunting, ya know, just to be prepared…and we were just talking about whatever and she just randomly says, this is why I love you.  And I’m like what? And she’s like, because, there is no wondering what you are feeling or thinking.  There is no mystery with you.  And you are not afraid to say it.  Ummm?  Nope…never have been I guess.  It’s probably why I have such a huge issue with communicating with people who do have a problem with it.

Anyway, when I saw the statement, my first initial thought was “speaking volumes”…how what we do, or what we say, or what we don’t do or say, can speak volumes about us as a person.  To be honest with you, what a person DOES NOT DO or DOES NOT say says more to me than any words that could come out of their mouths or actions they may take.  I am not sure why I feel this way, but I know I have for a very, very long time.

There is an old country song, I am not sure who sang it first, but it goes something like this:

“You say it best, when you say nothing at all...”

Or the old John Mayer song:

“Say what you need to say…”

I am pretty sure that sometimes we don’t even know when a person may be hanging on the very words that we do or do not say.  I do know that I hope no matter how harsh my words may or may not be, that no matter what I say and that whoever that person is, doesn't have to wonder.  Because there is nothing worse than wondering what a person is feeling.  NOTHING.  It’s like that phone call that never comes.  Or the text.  Or any damn form of communication. 

Where am I going with this?  Well, right here.  I didn't get a job that I applied for.  A job that would have allowed me to get back “up north.”  I was at peace with whatever happened because that’s just where I happen to be right now…at peace with a lot of things…but you make that announcement and you just know that certain people are going to say the right things…the things you need to hear…the things that come at just the right time…and they are going to mean everything in that moment, because in that moment, that was what you needed most.

And then someone you expected to say something to you about it says nothing.  Nothing at all.  Not an “I’m sorry,” not an “it’s for the best,” not even an “it wasn't meant to be.”  Nothing.  And your first thought is, wow, I shouldn't have expectations and then your next thought is, they are not as thoughtful as you Tiffany, or they don’t work that way…and you get all sorts of twisted up over it, for no damn reason at all and then that makes you mad because you have wasted so much time worrying about it.  And so you start to walk away and bam.  It hits you.  It hits you square in the face that by them saying nothing to you at all?  That it actually speaks volumes about them.

The moral of this story is that I am very used to not getting what I want…I have learned tremendous lessons in want vs. need.  I don’t NEED anything, or anyone.  Yes it would be nice.  But I don’t NEED it.  So I don’t need to waste any more time on someone who talks to me like they are talking to their child or who treats me that way.  Someone who obviously cannot be bothered to say, I am sorry you didn't get this job…

I have spent a tremendous amount of the past year pretty much not feeling worth too much.  Reality is it’s the exact opposite.  I didn't get the job because something better is coming.  I am too old to play games with anyone or anything.  For the first time in a very long time, I am a peace…something really wonderful is coming and I cannot tell you how long it’s been since I have felt this way. 

In the meantime, I guess if there is a possibility that someone needs to hear how you feel, you may want to say it…because you just never know when they may need to hear it in that very moment…and if you don’t say anything at all?  Perhaps that is what they needed to finally realize, that they didn't need that from you anyway.

And that, that? Speaks volumes.

What. The. Hell.

Because I do not want my Facebook news feed cluttered to death with the response to these next couple questions, I am blogging it.

Let's get one thing straight, I am asking because I genuinely want to know the answer and I am interested in the topic.  I am not asking so I can get some smart-ass response about politics, the Obama's, the different parties.  In fact, don't respond at all if it is going to be negative in nature.  I am asking for someone to point me in the right direction?  AND THEN, once I have read what I need to read to make myself aware of the issues, I can then form opinions and piss people off, does that make sense?

SOMEONE, I don't care who, give me the link or whatever it is, to read about or familiarize myself with the following two topics:

The school lunch debacle.  I have a hard time believing that Michelle Obama has the power to make every school in the United States STOP serving Tater Tots, but apparently that is the case.  If so, why wasn't she running for Presidency?  So show me where, who, when, etc this all went down so I can read it for myself.

And lastly, why certain states want to secede from the United States.

Again...not your opinion on why this has happened or is happening, just where I can go to get the story.  The facts.  The truth.  If that is even an option.

Thank you in advance.  And once I do read up and familiarize myself with these topics, I will post another blog at which you can put your two cents in as well!

Good day.

The 25 best things about me...

Today's exercise?

The 25 best things about me?  I call bull-shit.  This is a dumb exercise.  Especially for me...I have a couple things that are good, but 25?  That's a stretch.  Ugggghhhh, and in no particular order, because this is going to take a very long time to complete.  I dare you to try it if you think it is so easy.  Sister wanted to make sure I knew that some of my GOOD things, can also be BAD things...uh yeah...got it.

1. My heart.  (It's bigger than the vessel that has to carry it.)

2. My ability to love unconditionally.  (I didn't know there were other ways.)

3. I love most all of God's creatures. (Not a fan of spiders or snakes or June Bugs.)

4. I don't know a stranger. (Meaning pretty much anyone can take me anywhere and I will make a friend.)

5. I am probably the most non-judgmental person I know. (Wasn't put on earth to do that.)

6. I am a great listener. (Unless I have no care in the world about the topic you are discussing.)

7. I am a good communicator. (Face to face and in writing, I struggle with people who are not.)

8. I have been a Chicago Cubs and Chicago Bears fan my whole life. (Not that that is good, but at least I am consistent especially considering how hard it is to be either.)

9. I love all kids of music, depending on my mood. (Except head banging music that gives me a headache and Rap.  This is good because I would say that is pretty eclectic.)

10. I am a great, great, Aunt.  (They have no idea how lucky they are.)

11. I am articulate.  (At least I think I can express myself well.)

12. I am a pretty good friend. (In certain situations I could be a better one.)

13. I am honest.  (To the point of being brutally so.) 

14. I am a hopeless romantic.  (I didn't say I believe in Fairy-tales, I said hopeless romantic.)

15. I am very opinionated.  (Not always a good thing.)

16. I am a dreamer. (But I am not the only one.)

17. I am sincere.  (Like probably the most sincere person I know.)

18. I am wonderful with kids. (Although I have no idea why.)

19. I am passionate. (Sometimes extremely so.)

20. I am hard headed. (Although I am a doormat a lot, I am very stubborn, which can sometimes come in handy.)

21. I am trustworthy.  (I probably tell Sister and Mom more things then I should.)

22. Thoughtful.  (I am really, really thoughtful.)

23. Fun on a road-trip. (As long as I am not hungry, if I am fed or have snacks, it is all good.)

24. Loyal and Dedicated (I think you should walk away from people, places and things if you cannot be.)

25. Sweet Jesus, the last one.  Thank God...drum roll please...

I am a fantastic hugger.  And and even better kisser.  But I give real damn good hugs. 

So there ya have it, if you think it's such an easy task, have at it...just don't forget, some of your good things, can also be bad things.

My Body...

That was the topic or the prompt for today's writing exercise.  Obviously you have realized that I am not writing once a day like I am supposed to be so, not only am I not playing this writing game very well, but I am inconsistent as hell.

Imagine my surprise when I looked up today's writing prompt.  Well.  Here goes nothing.

(Before I get into this exercise, I have been absent from writing period because of a profound sadness, caused actually by an abundance of bullshit from so many different directions, but each day it gets a little bit better...so there's that.)

Anyway, my body...

My first thought?  Son of a bitch.  (This may be one of my more brutally honest blogs, so if you don't like the foul language and other truths I am about to write, you may want to skip this one.)

I hate my body.  I always have.

I learned at a very, very early age to hate my body.  7 to be exact.  I didn't hate my body because of the usual society bullshit (too fat, too thin, to tall, too skinny, bad skin, etc.) I hated my body because it didn't work.  Not like other people my age.  I can remember sitting out of a basketball practice at the grade school in 5th or 6th grade because something just wasn't right.  I couldn't keep up.  It hurt when I moved.  When we finally figured out what was wrong, it still didn't make a whole lot of sense, but I did the best I could.  As a freshman I remember one game specifically where I embarrassed my parents to the point that I don't think they even showed up for my game, I think they waited and came to Sisters, later.  In order to play, I pretty much had to wrap every bone, every muscle, every joint.  Little did I know that a company called Under Armour would eventually corner the market on clothes that did just this very thing.  Kept the muscles and joints warm and tight.  Bastards made a lot of money, still are.  All I knew is that I couldn't move without it.  I looked like a mummy.  I didn't care I wanted to play.  Eventually, I had to quit participating in track, softball, volleyball, etc.  I had to pick one sport.  I chose basketball.  I was never, ever, going to be the basketball player my sister was and in hindsight, I should have chose softball, it would have been a hell of a lot easier on my body, but I never chose the easy route.  I guess I liked challenges.  Anyway, basketball it was and I played, if you can even call it that, until my senior year.  It was my senior year that I had to stop playing everything.  They told me I had a prolapsed mitro-valve in my heart...which is harmless really, except when you have dental work done (need to avoid an infection.)  It was a few years later when the Mayo clinic determined that yes, I did have that, but it was the connective tissue around my heart that would "flare up" and cause the discomfort, fatigue, etc.  Leading them to believe this was more of a connective tissue disease, than a joint issue.  To this day, the tests are borderline Lupus.

You should already know the rest of the story, the Mayo clinic said I would never make it with a career in fitness...well, I did and because of it, was in the best shape of my life.  Like phenomenal.  Like.  No words.  And then I broke my back.  Even when I was in the best shape of my life, I still hated my body.  It didn't matter that I weighed the least amount I had ever weighed in my life.  Or that my body fat was almost non existent.  I never thought I looked good.  Never would.

That brings us to today.  When I returned home from Hawaii, I had a neuroma in my foot.  The following February I had surgery to remove that.  That same year, in July, I broke my hand.  I still don't know how.  (And it is actually better that way.)  But of my entire body, the only thing I could tolerate were my hands because they reminded me of my Grandpas and my moms.  Now, that hand is crooked...and I hate it.  Six months later, I fell and broke my leg and ankle in 3 places.  That son of a bitch will never look right or work right again.  (Mind you this was after I was 6 weeks into my new health and fitness regimen.)  It would be 6 weeks before I could walk again.  That was fun.  Two steps forward, 18 back.  This September, I needed to have my gallbladder removed.  Sooooooooooooooooo, with that, I have had 3 surgeries in a year and a half's time.  If you thought I hated my body before?  I despise it now.  D-E-S-P-I-S-E.  Will it help if I lost 50#, of course, will I still hate it?  Of course.  It is forever broken, crooked and scarred.

Yes, I suppose all of those things "make" me who I am today, but in my heart and my head, that is exactly what it makes me...broken, crooked and scarred.  BUT, for all of my cup half full friends, I need to be grateful it's still working right?  Well hell of course I am.  I shouldn't be walking after I broke my back.  I don't suppose I should have had such an awesome recovery from my broken leg either, other then I broke it as cleanly as you can.  My Gallbladder?  I didn't need that bitch anyway.  I have felt a lot better after she got removed.  My hand?  It's my "ring finger" hand, so if someone ever does put a ring on it, I guess I will forever be reminded of that one time I broke my hand, but can't remember how.

Yes, everything is about perspective.  The writing topic was not about how lucky I feel to have my body, the topic was simply, My Body.  And I am supposed to write exactly what I felt...so there ya have it.  I hate the vessel and I always have and I seriously probably always will.  We live in a society where we are completely wholeheartedly judged by the vessel we walk around in.  Sadly, some people kill themselves over it.  I am positive most people would find me overweight and unattractive because of it, but, most people don't know my story.  Most people don't want to know the story.  Someone will want to know it someday and I will tell them.  Exactly what I have told you.  But in the meantime, I can continue hating it, because I do and there really is very little that can be done to change that.  One person told me I was beautiful every single day.  For a long time.  And I almost, almost believed her...she meant my body, I knew she thought my heart was, but she somehow was capable of making me feel as if the vessel was too...

And then I woke up...

Deactivated...

Yes, the rumor is true.  I deactivated my Facebook account for about 24 hours.  In an effort to make sure people don't hurt themselves trying to figure out why or what is wrong, I can tell you it was for no other reason other than to restrain myself.  I am a pretty passionate person.  About a lot of things.  But I can be just as passionate about shit that pisses me off as intensely as I can be about the things I love.  Interestingly, I didn't even DO THAT right.

I have two words that I have been using a lot since Saturday.  I'm done.  I am done with the bullshit.  The bullshit I have personally allowed others to make me feel.  Friends, family, co-workers etc.  We are treated the way we allow someone to treat us.  So if I let you treat me like shit, you will continue to do so.  Until something gives.  I didn't surrender, I didn't wave no damn white flag, I didn't say I give.  I said I'm done.  Huge difference.

No I didn't miss it.  I missed using my internet radio.  I missed being able to thank the friends that are continuing to donate to St. Jude.

Social networking has made it entirely too easy to tell someone how we feel about them.  A person very few people have ever seen or heard almost became unleashed the other night and in the end it would not have made me feel better.  It is really no more and no less as simple as that.  I didn't want anyone to see her, she is actually pretty ugly.  So don't stress your pretty little heads about it.  I am not in a real great space in my head, but it will pass.  It always does.  There are a few people who have never deserved one ounce of me but I allowed them to have it anyway.  They aren't getting any more.

This pretty much sums up how I am feeling right now...but I promise...this too shall pass.

I will never...

Today’s writing exercise is to write about 50 things I am never going to do.  Hmmmm.  Interesting.  Because I refuse to say that I will NEVER do something.  How the hell can I possibly know that?  Never say never right?  Well, maybe I misunderstood the assignment because after I sat down to think about it, there are some things that I will never do.  But it is not as easy as you may think. 

The first one came to mind really fast.  But only because I the first couple things I thought about, may indeed happen in my lifetime, so who knows.  I have no idea if I can hit 50, but I will go and see what happens.  Even as I type them, I can hear someone saying, how do you know?  Some of them?  Well, I seriously, dare you to try to do this…

Some of them I had help with from Sister.  See if you can pick which ones she suggested out.

1.       I will never be a grandparent.  Not in the truest sense of the title.  Yes I may still have my own children, but the odds of me doing that and still being alive to see them have children, is very, very unlikely.  Perhaps I will meet and marry someone who already has kids and then they have kids, but I will never be a grandparent through my own child.

2.       I will never water-ski again.  Ever.

3.       I will never turn down a hug.

4.       I will never cure cancer. 

5.       I will never own a McDonalds, Subway or any other franchise.

6.       I will never live in Alaska.

7.       I will never be a school teacher.

8.       I will never be a farmer.

9.       I will never scuba dive.

10.   I will never be an Olympic Athlete.

11.   I will never be the Tour de France winner.

12.   I will never run a marathon or be an Iron-Man.

13.   I will never drive a Semi.

14.   I will never be a tree. 

15.   I will never back up a trailer.

16.   I will never smoke crack, do cocaine, meth, etc.

17.   I will never cheat on my partner.

18.   I will never be the singer at a concert.

19.   I will never own a lizard.

20.   I will never ballet dance.

21.   I will never coach the Chicago Bears.

22.   I will never write a computer program.

23.   I will never stop voicing my opinion.

24.   I will never tattoo a teardrop on my cheek.

25.   I will never be President of the United States.

26.   I will never want bigger boobs.

27.   I will never wear a girdle.

28.   I will never be a Dr.

29.   I will never own a private jet.

30.   I will never stop dreaming (about a perfect world that doesn’t exist.)

31.   I will never sell office supplies out of the back of my CR-V.

32.   I will never start a nuclear war.

33.   I will never stop believing in love.

34.   I will never intentionally hurt a child or an animal.

35.   I will never climb Mount Everest.

36.   I will never win the Nobel Peace Prize.

37.   I will never speak Russian, Portuguese or Chinese Mandarin.

38.   I will never win an Oscar, Grammy, Emmy, etc.

39.   I will never be in a soap opera.

40.   I will never dance at a Strip club.

41.   I will never exhibit at the State Fair.

42.   I will never get a sex change.

43.   I will never paint a masterpiece.

44.   I will never visit Russia.

45.   I will never invent a Social Network.

46.   I will never wish to grow older faster.

47.   I will never be a bully.

48.   I will never hang dry wall.

49.   I will never go to Antarctica.

50.   I will never be a hair stylist.

Clay Thurman...yep you read that correctly.

I am doing this new thing with my Blog, when I am having trouble writing.  Obviously if you write, and you experience issues, you have what we call in the biz, writers block.  Happens to the best of us.  Anyway.  I imagine some of these “assignments” will be funny and some will be sad and some will be who knows, but I have vowed to stick with it and hopefully it will help my writing skills!

Today’s assignment was to basically pick a picture via a random # and write about that picture.  This would have been hard for Sister because she has a bazillion, but I asked for her help and picked my picture following these rules.  I have 71 albums in FB so I asked her to pick a number between 1 and 71 and she chose number 55.  I had 48 pictures in that album so I did the same thing and she picked number 21. 

Now…the assignment is to write about what this picture makes me feel.  Who it was, where it was, what I was feeling at the time, etc. just write.  So with that in mind, here is the picture that came up.  And CLAY? NO one was more surprised than I to get this pic...Sister laughed her ass off.

Clay Thurman.  Where the sam hell do I start here? I went to school with Clay; he was quite a bit younger.  Our parents went to school together.  We grew up basically in the same small Podunk town.  I did not run around with Clay or hang out with Clay really, ever.  I saw Clay more in my life after I bought the bar, then ever before.

I am supposed to be honest.  So here goes.  My initial thoughts about Clay were that he was an arrogant asshole.  And I really had no reason to feel that way, because he was always nice to me, that’s just how he came across.  Clay hated my no smoking rule at the bar and challenged that OFTEN.  Clay didn’t like rules.  Rules were made to be broken.  We butted heads with this frequently.  HOWEVER, Clay was a very big supporter of my business, participated in quite a few of the events and really did spread good words about the place.

This is Halloween 2009; at my bar, Tiffany's on Main...he came as Elmer Fudd I believe.  I do not believe he was dating his wife at the time.  Clay loves Halloween.  I hate Halloween.  With a passion.  But it’s a big deal in a bar, so I sucked it up.  I believe this year’s theme was Scaryoake, so naturally Clay would be there because naturally he would have to sing.  He loves to sing.  And he is actually pretty good.  Except when he sings Love Shack.  And not because he sucks at it but because I despise that song.  Talk about nails on a chalk board phenomenon…that is how I feel when I hear that song.  And it was Clay’s go to song at every. Single. Karaoke. I ever had.  It was very difficult for me to endure.

I have known Clay a very long time.  Clay is Clay.  Unique is not the right word.  He definitely beats to his own drum.  He does make his own kickass wine that manages to get everyone who drinks it completely wasted, so I am not entirely sure what he makes it with, but knowing him it is fully intentional. 

Clay, don't ever say there was a not a blog written about you.

Dear Matt and Jeni--"I was here"

Dear Matt and Jeni-

Where on earth do I begin?  I seriously cannot remember exactly how the idea came about to do a Kickball game for Jett, but it was first posted on August 28^th to my group of Kickballerzs on Facebook.  Instantly my friend Kelli said, OH put me on the committee, I want to do this.  Shortly thereafter a few others piped in, Kim, Angie, Mandie, Amy Jo, Dee Dee, Jenell, Amanda, Ashley, you get the idea…that night, at our ONE AND ONLY committee meeting, Kelli asked me if I had an amount I wanted to shoot for.  I said $500.  She said and I quote “apparently you have never done a fundraiser with me.” Umm, no actually I haven’t.  She said how about we make our target $5000.  Well, I thought that was very lofty for our first time…but turns out she was right.

I am writing to tell you something I remembered the other night, as I was laying in bed thinking about how much has happened since the end of August.  I remember when I was making regular trips to the Mayo clinic for my JRA.  I was in the pediatric area at the time, so I didn’t just see kids with arthritis, I saw kids with everything.  I was a kid myself.  I remember one day when we were going in for my spinal tap and I was petrified.  I think I cried all night.  Sitting in the waiting room waiting, mom said “you have no idea how lucky you are.”  Well at 8 or 9 years old about to get this rotten procedure, I sure as hell didn’t feel lucky.  She said “you see those kids who have no hair?  They have no hair because they have cancer.  You have arthritis and no it is not fair to be your age and have it, but nothing about their lives is fair.”  “I will not allow you to be sad or feel bad, because what they have to go through is far worse than anything you will experience today.” “You really don’t understand and you won’t for a very long time, how lucky you are to only have what you have.” 

I am 40 years old and I just now got what she said.  It was weird how the memory came back…I haven’t thought about it in a very, very long time.

You already know that cancer has hit close to home.  My Grandma Rosie, Molly, other family and friends, but it changes you when you see cancer in your face.  I want to make sure I say this correctly because Jetty HAS cancer, but he is NOT CANCER.  I believe this whole event became a reality to all of us yesterday when he walked into the yard.  I know it did for me.  There was the face; there was the person this was all about.  5 years old.  He didn’t ask for this.  He didn’t wish this upon himself.  Nor did you and Matt or Jadey.  None of you wished for any of the struggles you have ALL had to endure.  But you 4 united and have dealt with every single thing God has handed you, which if you ask me has been nothing but adversity.  Cancer changes people, all illness does, no matter what it is.  Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, regardless it changes a person. 

I am positive when you go to St. Jude, the things you see and hear and watch and feel, are among things that most of us cannot fathom.   I also know you are in awe of what the facility accomplishes on an hourly basis…and I also know how grateful you are to have their services.

I do not understand God.  I never have.  I pray to him and I believe in him and all that jazz, but I will never understand some of things children have to go through.  I suppose someday I will.  Obviously you know I have no children of my own and there is a huge part of me that was scared of ever being a parent because I don’t think I could go through what you have.  I really don’t.  This was all I could do to help you.  The best part was you didn’t ask me to.  There is a tremendous amount of truth in the statement to give is to receive, because Saturday was all about giving.  I personally am blown away at the generosity of my family, my friends, my community…but most of all I know that every single person there did all of that before they ever got to meet you guys or see him run the bases, without a care in the world. There will be a 2^nd Annual Kickin It For The Cure regardless of Jetty’s status with cancer.  However it will forever be held in his honor.

I cannot thank you enough for being there, for showing up and for being the inspiration and the catalyst.  I don’t believe you and Matt will ever grasp how many people look up to you and pray for you and stand behind you.  I know that God only gives us that which we can handle and I think he has given you plenty.  I hope you sincerely know that each and every single one of us involved yesterday were touched in ways we never have been.

You are all my heroes…

You know, without having to tell me or talk to me that I have struggled to find my place in the world, doing everything I can for everyone else around me…rarely for myself.  It’s who I am, it’s what I do.  I have never been more proud of myself as I was Saturday and that is not an easy statement for me to make.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I may have left my mark.  I feel like I can finally say, I was here. 

THANK YOU…

You gotta get up and TRY...

I know, I know, I know.  I haven’t blogged in eons.  To be honest, I have been a little busy.  And the older I get, the harder it is for me to multi-task.  Bullshit if you ask me.

Anyway, this weekend was interesting for me at best.  Saturday I was all out of sorts.  Completely twisted.  I suppose I should, without saying too much, tell you that that morning I realized someone who I had been talking to for awhile now, and almost allowing myself to have an interest in, basically didn’t turn out to be who or what I thought they would.  No I don’t want to talk about how I know this person, or where or any of that, I don’t even want to talk about the situation at all, but I suppose I woke up hating people and especially liars and just disappointed in general.  I seriously take for granted people’s honesty.  And I seriously believe it would be in my best interest to never believe another word out of anyone’s mouth again.  As much as that saddens me, I know of no other way to survive at this point.  I just have an incredible instinct to trust and NOT ONE SINGLE TIME HAS THAT PROVEN TO BE TRUE. 

It went a little something like this.  I woke up, realized I was still alone, it was cold and rainy and instantly I wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out.  It took hours, I MEAN HOURS for me to realize I was having anxiety.  Serious anxiety.  I am positive that I was talking to Rhetta who always helps ground me, when I realized it was anxiety probably mixed with depression that was the culprit.  It was seconds before I realized I had something to help with that.  I got myself out of bed, showered, dressed and called Angie B to come have a drink with me.  Was drinking the right idea?  Probably not, but ya know what, it worked.  I also got to see Robin and I think all in all Angie and I had a great visit.  Plus I attended a party that I swore I could not attend because of my craptastic mood, but I went and I had fun.  So for the first time in awhile, I was somehow able to pull myself out of it…and for that I am grateful…and to all of you who helped!

When I realized it was anxiety, I seriously had to dig to figure out why or where it was coming from.  Why was I having an anxiety attack over some person?  It should have made me pissed not anxious.  Anyway, I honest to God did not realize where the anxiety was coming from until I got to work.  DESPITE that the powers that be think that Sister is the only one who can make this place function, I realized the anxiety was coming from the benefit I am hosting Saturday.  Why am I anxious?  Well Christ, I want it to go well.  I want it to be successful.  I want it to be fun and memorable and organized and ya know something people want to do next year too.  And then it hit me.  What if I fail?  What if it bombs like all of my relationships?  Well, that’s just stupid; they aren’t even the same damn thing.  But honestly, failure is failure; I don’t care what it refers to.  Will I fail?  Highly doubtful, I have a lot of people helping that will make sure I get this dialed in and done well.  So where is all this coming from? 

It’s what I will now call the Ballad between Love and Hate.  I don’t think there is anything harder in the world than loving yourself.  And you have to love yourself before allowing another human being in your life.  I spent many years learning how to love myself, being comfortable in my own skin, so how is it that I am still alone?  No my parents are not going to see me get married in the traditional sense…whatever.  This isn’t the life I had planned for me I guess.  And go ahead, and say, well Tiff if you don’t like it, fix it, change it, move…and if you honestly sit back and look, I have done everything I’ve wanted to do.  Going to Hawaii was as far out of my comfort zone as possible, and no I didn’t get to stay but at least I tried.  I bought my own business, did fairly well.  It’s not that I have not TRIED to reinvent myself and find what makes me happy.  Personally I think there are certain people who have an enormous amount of love to give, like me, and nothing or no one to give it to.  So volunteer, etc . right?  Well, that is precisely why I did this event.  But now I am making myself sick over it being a success.  And I know it will be.  The first event was and I was really unsure about that one.

I am in a love hate relationship with myself daily.  It’s not easy.  Trust me.  In fact it sucks.  No I do not have kids, so I cannot possibly be able to understand when a couple who so desperately wants them, cannot conceive.  But I do understand what it is like to be single and for a very long time.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved and to be loved out loud.  So although I cannot grasp the longing a couple feels for a child, I can understand how hard it must be to watch people have babies all the time, especially people who really should not be allowed to continue to produce children.  I have the same emotions when I watch friends go in and out of relationships like drinking a glass of water.  Apparently that is why I am alone…it’s a little more sacred for me, sharing my life with someone.  And maybe the reason I am alone is because I refuse to settle.

Whatever is going on, please don’t say I haven’t tried.  Every single day, I get up and Try.  And don't think for one second that it is lost on me that I was feeling sorry for myself and having a benefit for a little guy who didn't ask for any of the crap he has had to deal with.  

I asked Pink to write me a song about this and true to Pink form, she did.  ENJOY.  Honestly I haven't seen the video, but I have heard the words.  OVER and OVER and OVER.

Sad songs say so much...

Sometimes I get sad.  Sometimes it's important to be sad and allow myself to be sad.  Most importantly...It passes.  And it's ok.  It will always, always, always be ok.

Don't feel sorry for losing something you DIDN'T have and will NEVER have.  Feel sorry for someone who DIDN'T see your worth and NEVER will...

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to...

In a way, I need a change

From this burnout scene

Another time, another town, another everything...

I take a step in to the rain

To make sure I can feel again

The way it hits my skin feels like a tear,

And I would love to be the song you sing

To everyone for everything

Just tell me when this melody gets clear,

Cause I can hear you get colder

And tell me when you're numb

And you're sure you're attached to the wrong one

And I can tell you the time and the day this will come.

Momma once told me

You're already home where you feel loved

I am lost in my mind

I get lost in my mind

I kept waiting on a reason

And a call that never came

No, I never saw it coming

Something in you must have changed

All the words unspoken, promises broken,

I cried for so long,

Wasted too much time, should've seen the signs

Now I know just what went wrong. 

I guess it's funnier from where your standing

Coz from over here I miss the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing
I've done it again
Another number for your notes.

What if God was one of us...

Here is a startling fact for you.  And depending on what age you are, this tidbit of information gets worse as you get older.  Everyone has a secret.  If that wasn’t enough, everyone actually has a secret that would break your heart.  Well, maybe just mine, as I am not like most people.  And when I say that what I mean is that I have this insanely stupid faith in people.  Insanely.  Stupid.  Perhaps I am really just naïve and it has nothing to do with faith at all?  I can seriously look at most people, except for the blatantly obvious  ones you know suck right away, and instantly give them the benefit of the doubt.  Do I have secrets?  Sure, who doesn’t?   But I can honestly say that my keeping these secrets is NOT HURTING anyone else but me. Meaning, no one else’s life will change as a result of knowing them.  At least it shouldn’t.

The point of this rubbish is, “what if God was one of us?”  Seriously.  Ok, so you don’t believe in God, ok, you can stop reading the post now…this post isn’t about that.  I was born and raised Catholic.  I do believe in a higher power.  I have a lot of questions about faith, religion, God in general, but my question for right now, this second is simple.  What. If. God. Was. One. Of. Us?  This questions poses a HUGE PROBLEM FOR ME.  HUGE.  I will tell you why.

I can understand to some degree, God coming to us in the form of a needy person, homeless, whatever, or just someone who needs help.  And it is our choice to help them.  If I walk away without helping them I personally walk away wondering what if that was my test?  And I just miserably failed?    I feel that way about a child, an animal.  God doesn’t have to arrive in adult form.

My problem with this is what if God was one of us and that person is someone who hurts you, or lies to you, or cheats on you, or whatever?  In some way harms you.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever?  Then what is the lesson to be learned?  To remove that person from your life?  They say everyone comes into our lives for a reason…

I believe I have completely confused myself.  I don’t know how many people I know follow that philosophy, “what if God was one of us.”  Maybe fewer people than I realize.

I just know I treat people the way I want to be treated.  And with respect.  Until they do something that directly affects me.  And when I lose respect for someone, I honestly cannot repair that.  Am I the only one who has this problem?  

The Answer My Friend...

Answered itself!

Ever have those days where you are just simply overwhelmed?  It’s not even that today was swamped at work it’s just a lot going on in my brain I guess. 

Anyway, the fork in the road, crossroads dilemma I was at yesterday?  It answered itself.  Sometimes the world has a way of doing that for you so you don’t have to think about it.  Interestingly I had made a decision, thank you AMANDA DOUGLASS!  And when I went to commit to it, the offer had been removed.  I was slightly disappointed only in that it was a helluva an opportunity for me, but shit happens right?  It’s not always bad shit!  I was happy with either outcome.

I am probably most overwhelmed at the Benefit I am throwing for St. Jude and cousin Jetty.  It is a tremendous amount of work that requires a lot of helpers and God Bless America I have some awesome friends and family helping out.  I love you all dearly and will never be able to thank you properly.  I just know that no child should ever, ever, ever have to go through Cancer or any other terminal disease.  What St. Jude does for children and families is unfathomable to me and every little bit helps. 

I know that as exhausted as I am, I feel like I am doing something far bigger than I will ever be doing again or accomplish in my life. 

So with that, thank you for all the advice yesterday!  I got it figured out now!

Heard this song for the first time today.  If you know me at all, AT ALL...you will know why I love it without having to ask me why.

Hey St. Jude!

I cannot watch this without a tear and major goosebumps...

At the crossroads

So I am at a fork in the road...actually, I have been here many times before, but because I can't make a decision or a commitment to save my life, I just turn around and go back a ways and then, as with life, I just end up back at the same fork in the road.  And they say, when you have a tough decision to make, flip a coin.  What you wish it will land on when the coin is in the air, is what your heart really wants.  Well guess what?  I am ok with whatever it lands on.  But I need to be making some BIG ASS changes and real quick like, as I am running out of time.

So with that...what DO YOU DO, when you have a big decision to make.  Yes it is life changing.  One a little less extreme than the other...but a big life change is inevitable.  What are the questions I need to be asking myself?

Some days, honestly, I feel like that song...Colder Weather...I feel like I have been born for leaving...my whole, entire life.

Ok...ready for your advice!

Go to hell!

I don't normally post blogs like this, or even comment too much about things like this on my Facebook...but this is my blog and I can certainly say whatever the hell I want.

This goes out to a very NOT SO SPECIAL someone who basically was a complete fraud and total waste of my time.  In the almost 2 years I have known you, we have been through a lot.  A lot of ups and downs.  But I never lost respect for you, because when and/or if I lose respect for another human being it is impossible to get it back.  Sort of like forgive/forget.  At this point I won't be able to do either.  And with all of the respect I had for you, you managed with one single sentence, to remove that.

I have asked you to leave me alone and I hope you do.  Actually, I have virtually made it impossible for you to contact me in any way shape or form.  And trust me, there are a 1000 ways a person can contact another person, so that wasn't easy!

I have wished you well, I have congratulated you on your (not so new) relationship, I have supported you and the incredibly difficult battle you have ahead of you and your family, but none of those things should have allowed you to be so cruel.  The sad part is you will not lose any sleep over how you treated me because people like you just don't.

I have no regrets, because life is life and you live and you learn and sometimes you don't know why people come into your life, but they do...good or bad they do.  Some people just simply teach you valuable lessons...like that it is OK to not trust someone thinking they are just out to hurt you, because sadly, they are going to wind up doing just that.

Anyway...this goes out to you.  Enjoy...

Kickin' For A Cure

KICKIN’ IT FOR A CURE

WHAT                        All Ages Kickball Game! (events all day long)

WHEN                        Saturday, October 20^th, 2012 (11AM Kids game, 3PM Adults)

WHERE                       Tiff’s Big Backyard (Host Tiffany Buckman)

WHY                           To raise $ for my 5 year old cousin Jetty Fauser (Matt & Jeni Buckman Fauser) who is battling ALL-Leukemia.  All proceeds are going to St. Jude towards the Give Thanks. Walk event for Jett on November 17^th.  Go Team SuperJetty!

HOW MUCH                $20/per person

INCLUDES                 Event t-shirt, wiener roast and 1-entry into the raffle (need not be present to win)

For more information contact:

Tiffany Buckman                                                                  Kelli Hand
554 IL ST RT 97                                                                  PO Box 72
Maquon, IL 61458                                                                 Woodhull, IL 61490
309-335-2388                                            309-334-2377 or 309-973-6336
tbuck34@hotmail.com                                                         kellidawnhand@gmail.com

Riding with Dalton and Kolbie

Me: What the heck Kolbie, you are all dressed up, where is your Bears jersey!  BEARS PACKERS!
Kolbie: Pictures
Me: Dalton, where's yours?  OH WAIT, you are a STEELER fan.  My bad.  LOSERRRRRR.
Pause...............
Kolbie: I got my phone back
Dalton: Yeah, tell she throws it and breaks it again
Kolbie: Dalton you are so stupid...
Kolbie: I met a hot guy
Me: Uh, let's clarify, GUY?  Is he older than Dalton?
Dalton: She has no idea
Kolbie: Shut the hell up Dalton, he's 11-12.
Me: He's a kid then, not a guy, but call him what you will, where did you meet him?
Kolbie: Dalton's game.  So and so walked by him and was like, oh hey you are hot and I was like um hmmm and yeah that's how it went.
Me: So he just happen to give you his #? Where the heck is he from?
Kolbie: Bushnell
Me: Bushnell Praire City?
Kolbie: Uh, no I said Bushnell
Me: Right, ok, anyway, do you know how far away that is, it's a long ways, are you ready for a long distance relationship?
Dalton: She doesn't even know what the hell that is.
Kolbie: Dalton you are an idiot.
Me: Ok, next, Dalton do you have a gurrrrl squirrel?
Dalton: Shaking head yes.
Me: Choking on my drink,WTH, I go get one lousy organ out, no one tells me crap
Dalton: Yesterday, it happened yesterday and thanks a lot now the bitch in back knows
Me: Kolbie is just finding out now too?  Who the heck is it?
Dalton: Kelsie, CJ's daughter and yeah, cause she has a big mouth
Kolbie: Dalton you are an ass
Dalton: And you are a bitch
Dalton: And speaking of, you need to back the hell off so and so...
Me: Who the hell is so and so?
Dalton: Someone she used to date
Me: SHE IS 10 who dates at 10
Dalton: She's dated like 6 guys
Me: Jesus, does the Dad know
Dalton: The Dad is home once a week, he doesn't know shit
Dalton: Well he has an idea
Me: So you basically have to take care of her for me, since the Dad is gone
Dalton: I do, but I think she's a bitch
Kolbie: D**K
Me: Bitch or no bitch, she is your sister and she is all you have, so you better have her back
Dalton: Oh I have her back, and her neck when she is messing with so and so
Me: You strangle her?
Dalton: Only when she was pissing me off and messing with so and so and I didn't really strangle her, it was more like grabbing her under her arms
Me: Can you have her back without actually touching her please?  She's fragile.
Dalton: Yeah, fragile my ass
Me: You guys do know I record everything, and I Blog it to the entire world.
Dalton/Kolbie: HUGE LAUGHTER, are you serious?  Sweet!
Me: Yeah, so watch your language, do you even know what a Blog is?
Dalton: Yes, laughing hysterically
Me: Oh, good, cause I am so proud of both of you
Me: Oh thank God, we have arrived at school
Me: Kolbie put that phone in your book bag and leave it there till you get home so you don't drop it or lose it
Kolbie: I take it out on the bus
Me: Oh good, so someone can steal it and or you lose it
Kolbie: My bus driver is an idiot, she drives in ditches
Me: Hey, I am your bus driver and I have never drove in the ditch
Kolbie: God, I wasn't talking about you Aunt Tiff

Plans...

Plans.

People make them.  People break them.  People build from them.  People create things from them. People organize with them. People ruin other people’s lives with them.  Some people don’t make them.  Some people don’t follow them. 

Personally I like a general plan.  I don’t need it down to the knat’s ass, but I like to have one.  Daily, in life, whatever.  I can get a little out of sorts if things don’t go according to “plan.”  I have had a lot of plans not come to fruition, so it is safe to say, I am out of sorts a lot.  I am trying to get better, seriously, because honestly, life is too short.  I am positive at the end of my life I will not say, I wish I had planned more.  I will probably say I wish I had lived more.

I do not think that death is the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

A lot has died inside me.  A lot.  Not including my gallbladder.  I cannot express in words how much better I feel having it out.  I told mom today that sometimes when you are so miserable for so long you don’t even remember what it feels like to not be.  But that is not what this blog is about…this blog is about plans.

Something happens to us all.  At some point in time.  We don’t know when, why or how, but it happens and it INSPIRES us to change.  Could be a person, a place or a thing.  I have spent hours, days, weeks months of my life looking for it…inspiration…but you can’t search for it, it just happens.

So, I was inspired the other night, during a show.  Stand Up for Cancer.  You may have watched, if not, it was extremely profound.  I was sitting there, at mom’s, for the SECOND time in 9 months recovering from a surgery…and it occurred to me that I was miserable.  Not being at my mom’s.  But with my body, myself, my life, my place in this world.  All of it.  And here were these little people simply fighting for their damn lives.  And adults.  And interestingly, they know what is making them sick.  They know the contender they are up against.  Some people don’t.  Personally, my biggest competitor?  Myself.  I get in my own way a lot.

Anyway, it was this moment when I decided to make a change.  And lots of them.  Get out of Dad’s house, get back to Minnesota/Wisconsin, REMOVE people in my life who are not contributing back to my happiness.  Try to not let my job stress me out cause we all know Sister doesn’t let it stress her out.  Eat better, move more, yadda yadda yadda.  Figure out a way to give back to those fighting Cancer.  Why?  Because I don’t have it and I can.  And it was then that it occurred to me that I don’t have a plan.  I have always had a general idea where and what I wanted to do and how I would get there.  And it was then that I occurred I no longer care.  I am going to jump, with both feet and Brodie and re-invent myself.  People do it every day.  I don’t need a plan.  And it was then that this occurred to me:

My cousin Jeni and her husband Matt did not PLAN on being told that day that Jett had Leukemia at 3 years old.  I am positive they had things planned for that night, the next day, whatever.

My Uncle Brad and Aunt Michelle did not PLAN on being told their daughter had a brain tumor and she would only live 10 weeks.  They had lots of PLANS.

My neighbor didn’t PLAN on his wife being in a terrible accident and now laying in critical condition.  Gramma didn’t PLAN on Grandpa quietly passing that day.  She had PLANNED on taking care of him for a lot more time.  My friend Tancy didn’t PLAN on having to treat a cancer, she didn’t even know she had or PLAN for.  The list goes on. 

My point is, I am done planning…and when I say planning I mean in the general scope of it.  I am planning to meet friend Friday to discuss this event I am PLANNING for Jett, to Kick Cancer’s Ass, but if for some reason we can’t get together, we will figure it out…life goes on.  I don’t know how it does it, but it does.  I am not going to PLAN because I will be extremely disappointed when it doesn’t work out.  I PLANNED to be dating someone and in a committed, serious, relationship by now.  We are all aware of how that’s worked out. 

All of those people, whose lives changed on a dime, had PLANS.  Big ones.  That is not to say that their plans have since changed, but they have…and they adjust and they adapt.

Right now my happiness is paramount.  Right now my heart is Up North, it has been for years.  Right now I am sending out resumes and applications as I speak to that very area.  Right now I am the most at peace with my life than I have been in ages.  Maybe all I needed to do was Stand Up to Cancer, who knows, I don’t even care.  Maybe I just needed to get my gallbladder out.  Maybe I just needed to get rid of some people in my life who were giving me nothing in return.  I honestly don’t know what flipped the switch.  I just now it flipped.

And I PLAN to do something about it.  J