You are not better than me...

You are not better than me.

Just like hating something is a learned behavior, so too is learning that people are sometimes just shitty ass human beings.  I am not talking about murderers, rapists, child abusers, etc. that is an entirely different classification of people…subhuman’s I like to call them.

What I mean is that we are not born with hate or even knowing what it means.  Everything is taught to us, shown to us, or we learn through experience.  And sometimes through process of elimination we also learn to dislike things.  Take lima beans for instance.  Mom served them, not often, but she did.  Father liked them.  No one ever told me to hate lima beans, and I wouldn't even say I HATE them, hate is a strong word, but I strongly dislike them.  I would never fix them.  I will eat them in a soup if it’s full of other stuff…but lima beans and kidney beans; I have a problem with these beans.  I am a pretty open and equal opportunity eater, so no one TOLD ME I was supposed to like them or not, I tried them, I didn't like them.  I am happy with this decision and can live with it. 

People?  People on the other hand, a little tougher to dissect then vegetables and I don’t mean literally.  Especially for me, because I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and even then, after I have allowed them a second chance or whatever, they usually disappoint me or let me down again and so I am a sucker for second chances etc.  People are not as clear cut for me as vegetables.  I am around a lot of people, not often, but enough.  Some I can take with a grain of salt, some I don’t care for, some I adore and love…it is life.  I always try to remember that it’s my choice.   Some make me uncomfortable, some I barely even know they are there, you know what I mean?  Like I wouldn't go to a party and hang around a bunch of people I am uncomfortable around, but I have been places where people are around but I don’t really or am not really affected by them.  Hopefully that makes sense.  Where am I going with this? 

Life in general teaches us many lessons.  Hopefully you get to be around people who embrace your individuality and allow you to grow through trial and error.  Try the damn lima beans and if you don’t like them, fine, but at least you tried…that goes with anything in life.  Just try.  Try to get along with a friends significant other or a co-worker you can’t really stand…I mean in some situations you have to bite it and do what you don’t want to do because it makes life easier.  I will not go so far as to PRETEND I like someone when I don’t.  I will tell you and then we can be around each other without any of that wondering…if a bunch of friends are going out and someone I am not fond of will also be going, I have a choice.  Go and deal with it, or don’t go and miss out…regardless it’s a choice.   

What lesson cannot be taught though is how shitty a human can actually be.  People will lie.  People will break your heart.  People will use you.  This is something you have to learn and usually the hard way.  When a person judges me for instance, based on my sexuality or political party, etc., I actually do not immediately dislike them.  I pity them.  I mean I genuinely feel bad for anyone who judges another human being.  Because a person generally judges another based on their own personal insecurities or lack of understanding.  I am old enough now to understand that.  What I will not pity nor will I ever understand, but I have had to learn as that some people just plain suck. 

Let’s make one thing clear.  You are not better than me.  Because you are you and I am me.  I don’t care if you can do a cart-wheel and I can’t.  I don’t care if you make more money than me.  I don’t care if you are Nobel Peace Prize winner.  You are not me.  So there is no way in hell, you can be better then something you are not.  And that is how I TREAT EVERY SINGLE HUMAN I MEET.  Or interact with.  I could never be a better parent then my sister; I would simply be the parent I am to my children.  No parent should compare themselves to anyone.  Can someone do my job better than I do it?  I am positive of that.  But they cannot do it the way I do it. 

Because of this, when I owned my own business, it was not above me to cook, to wait tables, to bartend.  Moreover it was not above me to take out the trash, scour the toilets, clean up vomit, sweep the floor, and dump the grease.  My first job, half of my day was spent cleaning sweat off of exercise equipment, folding towels and washing sweaty work-out clothes for people who made more money in a month than I would ever see in my lifetime.  My point is and maybe I am not like most people, but it is the biggest way to get me to respect you or lose respect for you.  None of us are so damn better than anyone else that they cannot be bothered with those menial things.  Because nothing is menial, it all means something.  The CEO of every company is only as good as the people that work for him or her.  Because they damn sure aren’t doing the day to day “menial” tasks that these people are doing.  No one is a peon.  That era left a long, long time ago.  But I sure as hell have a lot more respect for the CEO who started his job cleaning the bathroom or sorting the mail…he earned it.  Like respect.  It’s earned.  It’s not learned.  It’s not expected.  It’s EARNED.  For me anyway. 

So one of the things that no one taught me (and my Mom taught me a lot,) is that some people are really just and always will be assholes, on the sole basis of thinking they are entitled or that someone owes them something.  Guess what you asshat, no one owes you anything, get it yourself.  And if you can’t get it yourself, you probably don’t need it.

I set up a test today.  And it was failed miserably.  MISERABLY.  Although I am not surprised, I am outraged.  Outraged because I would like to tar and feather anyone who thinks they are better than me or anyone else for that matter.  If you can be me and do a better job, by all means, but since you can’t, shut your pie hole.  

If I Could Have a Beer With Jesus...

Once in awhile you hear a song, or a conversation, or something that prompts you to write.  Yesterday I heard that song.  It’s called “If I Could Have a Beer with Jesus.”  Interesting song title…typical country song, if you are in to stereotyping music…but if you listen to the words, you will understand. 

So obviously it got me thinking…what would I do, If I Could Have a Beer with Jesus?  Obviously I believe in him, or I wouldn't be writing the blog, so with that in mind, here goes.  In my head I imagine that he doesn't like your standard Coors Light, Miller Lite, etc…I imagine him as more of a craft beer drinker…if he even likes beer.

Initially I would probably think he was pulling my leg.  I mean, what would those odds be?  And since I don’t believe anything out of anyone’s mouth, I would have a hard time believing it.  I would NOT ask him to turn water into wine, or walk on water to prove it; I would just probably say do you even like beer?  Or are you a “spirits” guy?  No pun intended Jesus.  Seriously though, maybe he likes whiskey at which point I would have to not only agree, but decline to join him on having one because I would want to remember the conversation and with whiskey I would forget.  And I imagine he would say he knows that, all too well.

I would ask him what he was doing there, there with me.  Why me?  Probably because I have never given myself enough credit in life to deserve much, let alone such a visit.  I would ask how much time he had because that could determine the outcome of our conversation.  Like, do I need to ask about all my friends and family that have passed and how they are?  Because I think they are fine and if I really have his undivided attention there are some other things I would rather talk about. 

I would probably tell him that he looks nothing like I was “taught” he would look like.  I would also tell him one of my favorite books is “The Five People You Meet In Heaven,” and that I have always been suspicious that he walked among us like a regular commoner.  At which point I would say, aren't you just that?  A common man?  Was it hard to be you?  With all these people and their expectations?  And I would then get right to the heart of one of the biggest questions I have always wanted to ask him…Did you want this?  Did you want all these massive buildings where people are required to go to worship you?  Because I don’t think you did.  I don’t think that had anything to do with your mission.  And I would say but the religion I was brought up in said otherwise and that when I was old enough to make my own decisions, I stopped going to these buildings because I could find him everywhere.  That even if I made bad decisions I still had his opinion of me in the back of my mind.  And that I know enough to know that just believing in him does not exonerate me from sin, but living my life in such a way I would have expected him to is what guides me.  To love everyone equally.  To not assume I know why people make the decisions they make. To love unconditionally and with an open mind and heart.  To love all of God’s creatures.   And in my mind, he would say, NO Tiffany, I didn't intend for massive buildings to be built or people be told they had to go to them to believe in me.  If someone wanted to build these things, it was for people who needed that sense of companionship, people who needed to be around others to spread my words.  That he didn't think everyone would feel this way as some people find peace alone or with nature, or by doing good deeds.  That it was okay either way.  If I needed that in my life that was fine and if I didn't that was fine.  And I would say I KNEW IT!  Thank you…I have needed to hear that from you for a very long time.  And I would say, are you ready for another drink?  Because I tend to drink faster when I am chatty.

I would say OK Big J…I have some more questions for you.  Cancer.  Why?  Especially children.  And if we are only here on loan, how is it decided how long some get to stay, or what they have to battle while they are here?  Is there a department for that?  It seems like a lot of paperwork, or coordination.  Jesus?  Is this really Hell?  Right now?  Right here?  Our day to day lives?  Is that why some things are so incredibly despicable and wrong and awful?  Is that why what happened to you was so incredibly atrocious (but really just the beginning of how awful humans can be to other humans), because that was Hell?  And if that is the case, are those of us that leave here early, or horribly, or who have to suffer, are they really the lucky ones?  HELP ME JESUS.  Help me make sense of this.  Because all that suffering seems not fair if that is the case, but if you tell me because where they are going is going to make that all worth every second, well I may be able to buy into that.

I would ask him if he was sad.  Sad to see how far things have come and how advanced we have become as a society, but sad at how some things just get worse.  Like how easy it is to kill another human being.  How sometimes it can be so senseless. 

I would ask him what he does to unwind.  If he is Type A like me.  Does he have OCD?  Does he sleep well at night or does he toss and turn?  Does he cry and if he does, what brings a man like Jesus to tears?  In my mind he would answer that with yes, that he does cry and it happens mostly when we are so horrible to our fellow man.  That he knows he has no control over diseases and stuff like that, and really doesn't have control over our own personal actions either but that it brings him to tears when we treat others poorly, because we choose to do that.  We make a conscious decision to bully, belittle, demean, berate, verbally, mentally and emotionally abuse.  Those are the times he cries.  And I would say me to Big J…me too…

And eventually he would say, Tiffany, I need to move along, I have many beers to drink…you aren't the only one and I would say you know what, I figured, I couldn't be that lucky.  And I would thank him for his time and I would say I still can’t believe you picked me and he would just smile and put his arms around me and not pat, but hug, like the hug from Jesus I always imagined it would be.  Home.  It would feel like home.

I would say, one more thing Jesus, then you can go…I know, I know, you are very busy.  But I need to know this.  It’s like the only thing I have ever really wanted to know from you…

Are you disappointed in me?  Have I failed you?  I mean, I love everyone, equally until they give me a reason not to.  But I don’t love in the traditional sense, or the way I was taught I was supposed to.  It’s not that I don’t find men attractive, that’s not it at all, and I find some men incredibly attractive.  But I also find women to be the same way.  And I live in a world where until really recently, this was not approved, condoned, believed, etc.  In fact, my religion calls me an abomination.  And I can’t imagine having the heart that I have or the compassion I have or the empathy I have in my heart and yet be considered an abomination because of the sex of the person I choose to love.  I cannot wrap my hands around that?  I mean why do people care?  If I am not affecting them, why do they care?  Is it because they were told it was wrong?  And who made that choice?  God?  Because I don’t believe in a God that created us all the same.  I believe in the one who made us all different and who wanted to SEE IF WE COULD embrace one another’s differences and if we couldn't well, then that would be our own private hell.  But honestly, once I loved myself, I no longer cared what others thought, but I do care what you think.  I cannot stand to be disappointed or to disappoint.  So, I really can’t go on if I have in some way disappointed you. 

And because I am the type of person who NEEDS an answer, who needs confirmation and affirmation, and who likes to talk and break things down, I imagine he would be very vague and cryptic.

I imagine he would smile at me, and my God he has a beautiful smile, and he would say you already know the answer to this question.  You have always known the answer.  Thanks for the beer.  And tell your mother I said hello.

There was a you, before a him...

Before Brodie, (my current 4 legged child who is a Maltese,) there was Bailey, another Maltese.

Bailey Jane

Sadly she had a very short life span.  Without doing the crazy insane testing necessary to prove it, she was diagnosed with a collapsed trachea.  So when she ate too fast, or got excited, or had to travel, she would basically hyperventilate to the point where I wasn’t sure she would continue breathing.  This was a horrific time for me because I didn’t understand and I didn’t want her suffering and I also didn’t have the money to go somewhere to have the surgery that may or not open her airway.  She progressively got worse…when people would come to the house it would just completely almost kill her.  It was the Monday after Christmas that I had to make the hardest decision of my life.  Putting Bailey out of her misery created a misery in me that I didn’t know could exist.  If you have ever had to do this, then you know how bad it hurts.  On December 28^th, 2009, I sent a huge portion of my heart to heaven.  Bailey was the first pet I had ever had. 

It’s been over 3 years and for whatever reason out of nowhere a memory came over me the other day and it occurred to me that I had not thought of her in awhile.  I mean you would think Brodie would be a constant reminder, but not really.

Brodie James

I think what triggered it was I was looking for something the other day and I found HER.  Now before you freak out, I had her cremated so she can go with me ALWAYS, everywhere.  I hadn't gotten around to getting her on the shelf…she is there now, maybe it’s weird, but it’s comforting to me.  The thought of her was fleeting, until yesterday driving to work.  It hit me so hard that I could NOT REMEMBER HER…I couldn't picture her, or envision her.  When I tried, I kept conjuring up Brodie.  Yes, it would be terribly hard to tell them apart, but I still couldn't pull up a moment, a snapshot.  And I wondered is this normal?  Is this a pet thing?  How did I lose her memory?  Where did she go?  Why can’t I remember her? Is this just me, is it something else?  Anyway, it made me incredibly sad.

In case you didn't realize, both pets have been special needs children and no their issues were not necessarily specific to that breed…I just got lucky enough to be their mom.  And I am not saying that sarcastically…no one could love them like I did/do.

Mostly I am just wondering if it is normal for me to experience this phenomenon.  Not being able to conjure her memory.  The same day I was traveling to work and realized I couldn't remember her, I thought to myself, OK, I guess this is normal and I will have to deal with it, but thank God “her song” didn't come on the radio or I would have lost it.  Her song being the song that was playing when I alone, drove her, to the funeral home.  I will never forget the song because it could not have been more appropriate for the moment.  And to this day, if I hear it, I cry.  Well, the little shit must have wanted me to remember her because that very same day, on my way home from work, her song did in fact come on the radio…and I did cry. 

So to Bailey Jane I say, I am sorry my memory of you drifted.  I am sorry you are not still with me.  I am sorry that I didn't pay attention to the song, when you asked me not to let you go.  I had to let you go physically, I am sorry that happened mentally too.  I would say I am sorry that you didn't get to know your brother, but honestly had you been healthy neither would I have gotten to know him.  I selfishly got him to fill your void.  He’s very ornery.   And he has me wrapped around his paws.  He is the very thing I look most forward to seeing every single day.  And I thank you for sending your song to remind me that there was a you, before there was a him.  I hope you are having fun in heaven.  Give Grandma Rosie, Molly and Cousin Angie some kisses for me.

Some people's kids...

Some people’s kids…

When around other people’s children do you correct them if the parent/guardian is around?  Do you mind your own business; would you want others to correct your own?  This is a tough question because there are so many variables.

I do not work in nor have I ever, an environment that involves children.  When I did, I had a manager for that department.  To this day she is still taking care of kids and does a damn good job of it.  I have said this once and I will say it again, we are taught, we LEARN how to act.  A majority of our behaviors are learned.  We are products of our environments.  Having said that, I would be willing to bet that a majority of ill behaved children do not get the discipline they need at home.  Maybe they get no attention at all which is the reason for the behavior.  I am not naïve enough to realize that there are certain times, certain occasions where this is not the case.  For instance Autistic children, they have their own agenda and it can be incredibly difficult for a parent to rein that in.  This is why it is kind of important to understand or know the situation before something is assumed. 

If what the child is doing or saying doesn’t directly affect me or whoever I am with, I will probably shut my mouth.  There have been a couple times in my life when I have commented to a child who I thought made inappropriate comments or behaved inappropriately and it had absolutely nothing to do with me.  And I did so because I was so overcome with the action that I had no other choice…it was instinct, like with adults, if I don’t agree with something I tend to be pretty vocal about it.  Most children that I am or have been around, I know their parents well enough to know what they would or would not tolerate, so if I comment or react it is because I know damn well that is not how they were raised.  AND if in the event they were, then I am killing two birds by commenting with the parent present.  So then everyone can know how I feel. 

I have issues with kids in public who are screaming.  And whose parents are blatantly ignoring them.  I know that certain events take place and that it is not always possible to go into a public setting with a well behaved kid, but I guess if it were me, I would leave.  Or remove the child.  Or whatever.  I know people who have been shopping and seriously just leave their cart and walk away.  I also know I don’t always know the circumstances, but in my experience ignoring a screaming child does not make them stop screaming. 

As much as parents don’t enjoy hearing that their child is misbehaving, sometimes it is nice to be told when they are well behaved.  I can honestly say right now that Kelli Hand, you have some of the most respectful, polite, considerate children I have ever come across.  It speaks volumes about you.  And I guess Jeremy…but mostly you!

This is a toughie.  Too many things to consider.  Too many things to know.  Too many variables.  But I can tell you speaking from personal experience, ill behaved children are a pet peeve of mine.  HUGE.  And I think we all know when a child is misbehaving.  I think probably one of the worst is when you are trying to talk to someone and the child consistently interrupts…that’s a doozy…anyway…I think this easily has to be dealt with on a situation by situation basis. 

If I Didn't have a Sister...

If I didn't have a sister?

Well, I would just have a brother then. 

There are a catrabillion quotes about Sisters…but shown below are the ones that pertain to us…and believe me when I say it was harder than you think…because we were not typical Sisters by any means.  She always wanted to play beauty shop with me, uh no.  We didn't go prom dress shopping together, hell we didn't do much of any shopping really.  We didn't share make-up or stories about boys.  She didn't tell me how hard it would be to fall in love and have my heart broken.  We didn't go get mani’s and pedi’s together, and still haven’t.  She very rarely comes to me to vent about anything.  We work together, which most siblings could not.  We tried to manage a business together and I never felt I could live up to her expectations.  She had children at the same age I was going to college to get a degree.  Our lives, from very early on went in very different directions.  She was the first born, the most spoiled and had the most pictures taken when we were little.  We didn't really become close until I moved to Minnesota…but our value to one another became abundantly clear on a very, very cold January night in 1991, when I hit rock bottom and she came and got me.  That’s the kind of shit you don’t forget.  Or on Mothers Day of 2011, when she stopped breathing.  All the similarities and differences simply go out the door when you really need each other.  In the event I ever fall and break something again, I know now NOT to call her first.  If I am having trouble in a relationship, she is the last person I go to, because she still thinks I will fall in love with a man and have a big elaborate wedding.  There are things she doesn't tell me and vice versa and probably because we don’t want to hear it…it being one another’s feelings about it.  We are very lucky that we have a respect and understanding with one another, but believe me it took many years.  I am like mom; she is like dad, in every single way.  She is a terrible hugger and dancer and singer for that matter… We don’t have a conventional relationship perhaps that is why it works.  For whatever reason, I am just glad it does.

I went to a visitation a few weeks ago for a young girl whose life ended far too soon.  And I knew it was going to be hard for Nancy and her husband, but it didn't hit me how hard it was going to be for Alissa’s sister until I saw her.  I can’t imagine losing my sister.  Not to Cancer, not to anything.  But for the brief moment that I spoke to Kimbra, I realized how empty and lost she must feel at that moment, knowing her sister wasn't coming back.

Let me get one thing perfectly clear.  I don’t always like Sister.  But I will always, always love her.  And will probably always be her biggest fan.

Happy Birthday Sister…

 “She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she’s the reason you wish you were an only child.”

“Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship.”

“Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk.”

“Sisters, as you know, also have a unique relationship. This is the person who has known you your entire life, who should love you and stand by you no matter what, and yet it's your sister who knows exactly where to drive the knife to hurt you the most.” 

Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life. 

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.  

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.  ~Pam Brown

How do people make it through life without a sister?

Who the hell is Dave Dunn...

Today's Question of the Day asks what your tipping practices are...and by tipping I mean, to service providers.

This is an interesting topic for me because at one time in my life, my livelihood was a service position and it depended on tips.  Contrary to popular belief, just because I owned my own business did not mean I was reaping the benefits of a profitable company.  First and foremost if you know anything about running your own business it takes a few years to show a profit, so anyone who thinks you are ROLLING in the dough because you are busy, is, well, just plain nuts.

I am bringing this up because I have heard several comments from people who will NOT tip the owner of an establishment if they serve them.  In this case I am talking about the food and beverage industry.  But let me let you in on a little secret.  Who gives a fats rats ass WHO the person is who is serving you?  Did they do it in a timely fashion?  Were they friendly? Did you get what you ordered?  Did you enjoy your experience?  Those are the questions I ask when I am getting served.  And having been a server, I know there are a bazillion reasons why service can be good and bad...some of it is out of their hands.  The point is, I make a conscious choice when tipping based on all of those factors.  I do not tip someone because of WHO they are or are not.

Because I was the owner, I didn't get tipped a lot.  Ummm, ok...if I am the one serving you 70% of the time it's so I can cut back on payroll and do the work myself.  So you want to punish me because you think by doing that I am RAKING in the moola?  As you can tell, I am bitter about this and rightfully so.  When someone waits on you, you have NO clue what their financial status is, but as a society you ASSUME because they are waiting on you they are uneducated twits who can't get real jobs...one of many incorrect assumptions we make as a country.  Do you know that a large percentage of people in the service industry are putting themselves through school, or raising a family, or have multiple jobs?  Doubtful.  Another thing I want you to consider especially if you are not in the service industry.  When you have a bad day at work, are you always pleasant?  No.  Or maybe you came into work in a bad mood...it affects everyone around you.  This pertains especially to people in the service industry.  It's incredibly hard to serve people when you don't even want to speak to a human.  No they shouldn't take it out on the customer, but my point is, I try to be open minded when someone is waiting on me.  I have no idea how their day has been or what they are going through personally, and if you think that doesn't matter or shouldn't, then I don't think you understand how service works.  I suggest everyone who is so judgmental about service and people, try it for a week, and see if you aren't a little more understanding afterwards.  For the record, when I did get paid, which was quite possibly only 6 months of the time I owned the bar, it was about $4.50/hr.  You do the math.

The bottom line is I will tip, ALWAYS.  I don't remember a time I have never not.  But I have left good ones and bad ones and I will also compliment as necessary.  One night I tipped the young lady who followed our waitress and constantly cleaned our plates or filled my water or whatever...she deserved it as well.  If they meal was fantastic I ask that the server tell the cook, chef, whoever.  I don't give a crap who you are, accolades are nice.  If the owner is there and I received good service, I physically tell them.  Don't you like to hear when you have done a good job?  

One more thing since I am on a roll.  I want treated like everyone else.  Let's say that someone important in the public comes in and is dining in the same restaurant.  We order the exact same meals.  Drinks whatever.  But interestingly our service declines because so and so is an excellent tipper and the more you cater to them the more money you can put in your pocket! Ok...but here is the crutch.  Our meals cost exactly the same.  How do you know I will not leave you an excellent tip?  My point is, service should remain unchanged...until I prove you otherwise.

The last thing I want to share...This happened when I owned the bar...I was in the kitchen, which for the record is where I wanted to be, and one of my servers, actually probably the only one at the time, came flying, literally, into the kitchen and said, go to the window, now, immediately and look at who is in your bar?  Hands in dough, I say, in a minute, and she demands I carry the dough with me to the window.  Fine, so I go to the window...I see no one I know.  A couple at a table, who basically look entirely overdressed for Tiffany's on Main, but perhaps they are coming or going to an event, I don't know...I had no clue who they were.  My server was like are you kidding me, you have no idea who that is?  Should I, I responded?  And what difference does it make, go wait on them like every other table for God's sake and be speedy about it.  She returns a few minutes later to berate me again for not knowing who they are and I said, Secret Service?  Mafia?  District Attorney?  I mean they were seriously well dressed for a bar and grill.  TIFFANY she screams, it's Dave Dunn.  I respond, who the hell is Dave Dunn?  (Sorry Dave) but really how or why should I know him?  She proceeds to tell me he is Dave's Autobody Dave...Dave of the happy little ditties on the radio Dave, Tim's boss Dave, you know Tim and Brandi Tim...ok I say, calm down, I have heard them, but I don't understand why you are getting so out of sorts.  OMG Tiffany, he's only one of the most famous people in Galesburg and he is here, in YOUR BAR, ordering YOUR PIZZA.  So make sure it's good.  And fast.  First and foremost, every pizza I make is good.  Second, they will get their pizza in the order it was received...I am pretty sure they have eaten out before and understand how this works.  She was flabbergasted that I wasn't stopping all business as we know it.  And then she demanded I go introduce myself...I am positive I did because anytime a server said a table was asking to speak to me, I did come out.  I believe this was the same night Dave brought us a case of Dave's Gator Sauce.  Anyway, they left my server a $20 tip, which is unheard of in Maquon, let alone from one table, so she was thrilled to death.  And I believe they enjoyed their pizza.

My point to her and what I am sure went in one ear and out the other, is lots of people leave generous tips based on service.  They don't have to be famous, or dressed to the 9's to persuade you to think so.  Treat people how you wanted to be treated.  Karma is real.  You would be amazed at the generosity of humans who feel like you made their night enjoyable.  Dave is an incredible tipper.  The whole town knows this.  And all of the surrounding towns.  My point is Dave is just a guy...a guy who likes to be treated well and served appropriately.  He still has to order the same way us non famous people do...

I guess if I could hope you get one thing out of this blog...it would be that you are more conscious about the service you receive...if it is bad, acknowledge it.  With the manager, your server, whoever and pay accordingly, but if it's good, say so...because you have no idea how much it can mean to someone just to hear you say thank you.

The Daycare conundrum...

I don’t have children.  Newsflash I know.  But today’s QOTD is about children, and since I don’t have any I suppose my haters will think that I have no right to speak on the subject, but that is the beautiful thing about our country.  I can speak about whatever I want.

My first 6 years of professionally working, I worked for a Fortune 500 company.  If you don’t know what that means it is kind of a big deal.  And knowing what I know now, I believe this company was light years ahead of its time in terms of employee benefits.  I do not know about now, it has been years since I was there, but at that time, not only did they have an employee fitness center, they had an on-site daycare facility.  And it so happened that the head of HR was a woman.  The time off for new mothers AND FATHERS was bar none.  They allowed time for lactating mothers to do that during the day.  In my fitness center we had “nap” rooms, so if an employee didn't feel well, they could lay down.  They felt that a 30 minute break was better for the company then the employee just leaving all together.  You even received time off if you were adopting.  It was the most family, female, forward company ever.  And a lot of the women held big positions within the company, but also top of their class in diversity training and programs.  Looking back, I think they were pioneers.  Nowadays I imagine places like that are hard to find…companies spend less and less on catering to the employee.

All of those services were “payroll deducted” so it came out of their paycheck.  It was also considered part of their benefits package, so in addition to their rate of pay, if you added these benefits, the actual pay an employee received was almost unheard of.  To put it in English…you made pretty decent money working here.

I never remember hearing a parent “complain” about how much daycare cost.  Primarily because they were allowed to bring their children to work and take them home when they were done.  They knew where they were all day.  How do you put a price on that?  And because no money was ever technically exchanged, it didn't present as big a problem as it does when you physically write a check or whatever each week.

Here is my 2 cents…and that is about all it is worth.  I have no idea what the average daycare provider charges.  I imagine a commercial facility charges more than an at home provider.  I also imagine it depends on the age and amount of hours the child stays there.  The # of meals they need feed, etc. etc.  It would appear that there would be a lot of factors and that ONE RATE wouldn't really apply.  Kids love me, I have no idea why, but I don’t believe that I have what it takes to “babysit” multiple children all day.  That being said, people that can and do are quite special.  And if they are at home providers, my best guess is they are UNDER charging, because they want the business, but don’t want to out price themselves.  Well, the saying goes; you get what you pay for.  And if you don’t, you certainly have the right to change that. 

I don’t know how you can answer this question to be honest.  How do you put a price on the time someone else spends with your children?  And sometimes, it can be more hours a day then you yourself do.  I personally like to make things harder then they need to be, so I would want to know, what I am getting for my money.  How many meals, naps, what kind of play time, etc?  I mean I don’t see me dropping off my child and being all like have fun; they like to sit in front of the TV all day.  No way Jose.  I also believe that their “fees” should increase yearly, as does the standard cost of living.  Why should they be different? 

I guess what I most don’t understand are the comments about having to work to afford daycare?  I understand that it can be a large portion of your paycheck but I guess the confusing part for me is did you not consider that?  Like when you decided you wanted to have children?  Raising a child in general isn't cheap and just wait until you see how much it is going to cost you to send them to college.

No, I do not know the right or wrong answer to this again, because I do not have my own…but my answer would be; how do you put a value on your child?  And say what is too much?  If it’s costing you more then you are making, is that really the best job for you? 

I don’t know, I suppose I have pissed a lot of people off, but I am merely asking a question…I don’t know what is too much, but it seems you can decide what you will or will not pay, or what kind of services you expect.  Maybe I am completely wrong.  I sometimes am about these things.

To tell or not to tell...

What kind of relationship (or what level of friendship) do you have to have with someone to tell them that their spouse or significant other is cheating? Or do you simply mind your own business?

That was today’s Question of the Day…I thought it would be tough and that people would actually not answer, but a lot of people did.  And the majority of them said “mind your own business.”

For what it’s worth, consider this your first and last warning.  Do not, ever, ever, ever, ask me how I feel about something or someone.  Unless you want me to speak honestly.  In the case above I would never tell anyone that someone was cheating without having 100% proof…and since that is usually about 80% not likely, I would probably never tell anyone anything.  But don’t ask me my feelings about something and then get pissed when I tell you how I feel, especially if it speaks unfavorably about the person or thing you are asking me.  Asking me “how I feel” opens a vortex of things for me and you should all know that by now. 

I have told someone that someone was cheating…and this person was a friend, not a best friend or even a friend I spoke to often, but I cared about them.  I really care about everyone I call friend.  I don’t care how much we talk.  But anyway, the person I told did not get mad at me, but their friends did.  Like deeply, horribly, mortified that I could ever, ever attempt to mess with someone’s life that way.  For the record I did have proof, and the person who was doing the cheating was pond scum.  I didn’t want any of the people who were getting hurt to get hurt, and I would have never went up to this person and said oh by the way, your sig. other is stepping out on you.  This person point blank asked me if I thought they were and how I felt about them and I point blank told them.  It almost cost me a ton of friends, who I quickly realized weren’t really friends in the first place.  And I remember clearly Sister calling me every name in the book for NOT minding my own business.  Ummmmm yeah, newsflash, it becomes my business when the very person involved asks you point blank and one thing I am not is a liar…so back to where this started.  DON’T ASK ME.

I don’t get cheating, so this is really not a good topic for me.  I mean I genuinely don’t understand it.  Cannot wrap my hands around it.  Why be in a committed relationship if that’s something you feel so inclined to do.  And I know people who have been…cheated on…and continue to remain with the person…that isn’t anything I can change or control.  I was cheated on and it was devastating…not once but several times…which I am not entirely sure what that says about me, except that I basically no longer trust a single soul.  But anyway, I don’t understand the concept of it, but I guess that is a different blog.

One thing I am really not into is spreading rumors…if I want to know someone something, I just simply ask.  They have the choice whether they answer or not…

You say he's just a friend...

Is it possible to be “just friends” with someone you are “in love” with?  That is today’s Question of the Day on FB, and interestingly is not getting a ton of responses.

I can confidently tell you that there are very few feelings that are quite as brutal as unrequited love.  Here let wiki define it for you:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unrequited_love

Urban Dictionary has a much better definition of it though and it is probably closer to the truth.  “Only the most painful thing a young adult can go through up to and including shitting out a lego.”  My argument to that statement would be it doesn't matter what age a person is, you can experience this gut wrenching phenomenon at any age.  Most of my friends are married with children, and have been for the duration of our friendship, so they have no clue what I am speaking of and kudos to them.  But it is slightly akin to a root canal without the numbing shot.  You feel like someone punched you in the gut.  You feel like you can’t breathe.  You are confident that your heart is cracking and you actually experience physical pain in your chest.  Tears form from some cavernous place you didn't know you even possessed.  You get the idea.

Here is my answer to that question…

Yes it is possible to be just friends with someone you are in love with.  If you don’t mind beating the shit out of yourself.  Is it healthy?  No…because you cannot make someone be in love with you, you just can’t.  I have been on both ends of this and I will say it’s a lot worse to be the one “in love” than the one who cannot love that way back…regardless it stinks.  It hurts.  I don’t care who you are or what you say.  It hurts.  If you can accomplish this and you don’t mind hurting, then good for you, but it still hurts. 

I honestly think it depends on the persons involved.  Some people would rather have something over nothing.  Kind of like that stupid phrase “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  Bullshit.  Not always it isn't.  Time eventually heals that, but I promise no person ever in history who just lost someone says, oh well, at least I had them for awhile.  Later they may say that, but not immediately. 

Anyway, this was my personal opinion.  Yes it is.  It happens every single day.  And it’s a very unhealthy thing for the person who is in love but I think it’s something they have to decide if they can handle or not.  If you are in love with someone and they are not with you or do not want that back, why would you want to continue feeling this way about someone who doesn't and never will?  It’s simple.  Torture.  We love to torture ourselves.  We love pain.  We love fighting through shit.  Human emotions being one of the top things we love to battle.  Some of us enjoy it more than others.  This is all assuming that the person you are in love with KNOWS how you feel.  You have to be on a level playing field.  If you express your feelings and they say, ok, I am flattered but I don’t feel that way back, then you know where you stand and you can decide if you want to remain friends or if space is better for you.  How can you possibly make a decision if only one of you knows what the other one feels?  If you can’t tell them because you think it will ruin “the friendship” you have then are you really that good of friends to begin with?

I want to marry, fall in love, be with, and grow old with, my best friend.  That means at some point we both said and agreed that we were in love with one another.  Now, this bit me in the ass once, because it was said and I meant it but she didn't and then what do you do?  Well you die a little inside and you feel like you are breathing under water and then before you know it, one day, you just won’t think about it anymore. 

I guess the bottom line is if you are not honest with your feelings towards someone how can you know?  I personally would rather a person know and be honest with me about NOT wanting that back, then never knowing?

Clean Slate...

I've always loved this day. Always. It feels like one of those dry erase boards and you get to just wipe all of the past year off. If I were to show you a picture of last years board, it would like like a giant black smudge I imagine. A lot happened. As my friend Nicki said, "it was not the best year, it was not the worst year." I'm definitely ready for a NEW year though.

The usual things need to take place. Lose weight, get more sleep, eat better, etc. but I think the biggest thing that needs to happen is that I stop allowing myself to be treated like a doormat.

Because of my past I don't trust easily. In fact it's extremely rare to believe anything that comes out of someone's mouth. I typically don't believe a person until they can follow through their words with actions. Very few have. So I guess it should make it easier right? To just assume people don't mean what they say? Because I'm planning on them failing with the follow through? The truth is its getting better. Once in awhile though I put myself out there and allow myself to be vulnerable. And not once has it worked. So 2013 is going to bring some changes. It will be harder for me to do this than lose weight.

Starting today I'm not going to be the one who does all the work. This goes for my whole life. There are people who count on me "showing up" but who can't do the same. Well good for them, but I'm not carrying the load anymore. The foundation of all relationships is trust. Respect. One person alone cannot build it. Not if it's supposed to hold more than themselves.

If you want to be a part of my life it's very simple. Show me. If you want my help with something help me back. If you need a friend be one back when I need one. I honestly do not care if you don't like me. It took me twenty odd years to like myself I don't have that kind of time to worry about others.

I guess in summary. Starting today I'm going to treat some of you EXACTLY the way you treat me. And sadly you aren't going to like it. It won't be easy for me because when I make a promise or a statement I follow through. It's going to be hard for me to not do that. To get someone's hopes up and let them down. It's not who I am. But I think it's what I have to do to stop allowing myself to get hurt.

In the meantime you can find me over here polishing my slate. Blank clear canvas. Untouched. No marks. No scribbles. Just a whole new page to a whole new chapter. Waiting to see who wants to be in this years book. And who's capable of showing they mean it.