Sunday, October 19, 2014

Disappointed

Hi Dad. Are you watching the Bears this season? I'm guessing not. Because they are horrible. However, when I look back at watching them with you, it was almost as painful as when they lose. I think it's funny how I sometimes watch them with more faith than most people take to church. They could be losing in the first quarter and you would be done. Okay. Honestly. I hated watching games with you. But there was this one time you came to Uncle Bills garage. Pretty spiffed up actually. "Making your rounds." I'm not sure why you stopped but you voice text me first to see if there was any good food. Lol. There was only one dish you liked. But you ate the hell out out of it. And bad mouthed them the whole time. I couldn't decide if I was more angry I had nothing else to serve you or if you bad mouthed my Bears at my place of "worship." 

Bottom line. They still suck. So I guess you still are bad mouthing them. Or fishing? Budge just got there. Or he's on his way too. Maybe you aren't "there" yet? And if not, what the hell is your delay? Do I need some prayers? Well, not really but don't we all? I just wonder where you are is all. 

Brodie and I were taking out the trash tonight and for the first time since I've lived here I saw them picking the beans. Like right across the street. Brodie went nuts. I mean nuts. I was afraid he was going to get picked. It was not a sound he's heard in awhile. Apparently he remembers. He would not come back. He wouldn't move. He just stood at the edge of the driveway and barked. They were filling the wagon. And I was trying to figure out how I could run and grab the camera and take a picture and leave the only thing that matters to me, barking at the side of the road, and through tears I knew I didn't need a picture. You and I were there. And it wouldn't have meant the same thing to anyone else anyway. 

Oh Dad. So many venues. So many outlets. So many ways I could say what I want to say. I guess I choose to write to you this way. Apparently you disappointed some people. I remember a time when you disappointed me. I bet you disappointed a shit ton of people. Funny thing is I bet those same people forget how many years you supported them. Or provided for them. Your ex wife and children included. The best part of all of that is that we are all human. And every damn day we wake up we disappoint someone. And yet no one. Not one person can come to me and say, I have come here never disappointing anyone.

Just over a year of your passing and I can tell you this. I was not nice. I was not to some very nice people. The people who knew why or who understood why I may be doing that, gave me the space I needed. And were there when the dust settled. The ones who didn't understand? They flew away. Like the leaves are falling off the trees. Gone. And my support group got really small. And then I found some new leaves. 

We disappoint people. It's what we do. I think we are born to. I'm not sure I was prepared to hear that a year after you died. I kinda like to tell people while they are living you know? But maybe you knew. And maybe you didn't care. Some people don't. 

The Bears and Cubs disappoint me every year. Perhaps it's why I'm alone. I'm always expecting this year to be the year all the caring adds up.  But I was sitting there today watching the game, praying for a miracle. And I bowed my head and I thought of my sister. Who says that that outcome that I pray for every single day is a fairytale and fairytales don't come true. Only in the movies. 

I don't know how my movie ends yet. I know I disappointed you. You did me too. I know you can't make the Bears win football games. And I really know you probably don't even care. But I do know beyond anything else what you did care about. And I'm sorry. I am so so so very sorry. I tried. 

I love you. Brodie says "woof" poppa.