The Gambler

Unfortunately I have had to do a few of these in my life. Grama Rosie, Angie, Molly and Grandpa Cliff, I pray you are resting in peace.  I miss you every day.

Today however, was not expected.  Not planned.  Not even fathomed.  The only thing I have ever learned about life is that it goes on.  I do not know how it does or why, but it does.

This week has been the most surreal few days of my life.  This is not supposed to be happening.  I shouldn’t be standing here doing this.

Dad.  You bought me my first convertible.  It was red.  And I had to pedal it.  But it was mine.  You took us to Minnesota, to the place you went as a little boy, and gave us all some of the best years of our lives.  It is ok that Dee Dee does not remember a lot of them.  We will help her remember.  You refused to teach me how to drive a boat, so I went out one day while you were napping at the Cabin and taught myself.

You were one of the proudest men I had ever known.  The only other man I knew that was that proud was your father.  Must be where you learned it.  As much as you and Grandpa put Grandma Louise through, she fiercely loved and supported you both, in every endeavor you asked her to go through.  You were Grandmas Rock.  She depended on you, probably more than any of us will ever know, and I do not know Dad, how we will get her through this, with Joyce’s help we will.  We just have to.  She has been witness to more heartache than I can fathom, and this is something we never ever expected her to have to do.

To say you were fiercely proud of Dee Dee, Jarod and I is not an adequate description. You were strongly against many decisions we all made, and you were very verbal about it.  I know there were times you thought we were all nuts and you tried to tell us there would be consequences to all of these decisions, but whatever they were, you were there to dig us out when we failed.  I don’t know how many times you had to get Jarod dug out of a tough spot.  Mostly his truck in the river somewhere.  But you did it.  You were the one who put the fear of God in Dalton’s eyes where 4-wheelers were concerned; I still don’t think he is fond of them.  You were worried sick about Kolbie’s free spirit and constantly on Jarod and Kari aboutwhere she may roam without a care in the world, but if you remember when she was very little, and was left off the bus at her house to a locked house, for whatever reason we will never know, she took off to your house, because she knew Poppa would be there, Poppa was always there. You weren’t crazy about Dee and David getting the kids involved in showing livestock, especially at such a young age, but you supported every second of them doing so.  I thought when Bella started driving from her house to your house between the ponds, that would cause your heart to stop, but it didn’t and in some ways you were proud of her for being so obstinate and stubborn like yourself.  The level of proud you felt for Ethan when his baseball team went to state was somewhere past Cloud 9.

Dee Dee knows you were her biggest fan.  In her sports when she was younger and even now. She was yours too-who else wears a shirt around that says, “My Daddy Rocks”.  Jarod may never know how proud of him you were at the life he has built for himself and his family.  You were the only person in my life who told me not to buy a bar, and yet you were there every single day and promoted my business like it was your own. You were my favorite and least favorite customer.  You did a lot of complaining.  

Unfortunately I had to witness a tremendous amount of your heartaches as well.  Despite the feelings that you carried around, the animosity you felt, take away all of those things and the trying years, you and Mom created three wonderful children, who carry parts of you every single day with us.  We are all stubborn.  We are all bull headed.  We are all proud.  We are more like you than we would even probably like to admit.

I am so mad at you right now.  Mad because you are gone.  And if you were here I would yell at you.  When I was worried about you it really pissed you off that I made us all sit down and have meetings with you to discuss it, but I don’t know where I would be having not done that.  Maybe you did things to get us together.  

I think you knew you weren’t well.  I think we knew you weren’t well.  I know none of us including yourself knew just how unwell you were.  I am so sorry you were sad.  I am so sorry that anyone hurt you.  I am so sad that we stand here today knowing you died from a broken heart.  And I would do anything in this world to have fixed that for you.  

As angry as I am right now at God for taking you, we couldn’t have asked for him to do it more peacefully.  And I pray you went to sleep and had the most wonderful dream ever.

You touched so many lives it is not even funny.  You allowed so many people into your life, on your property, and in our lives.  You were so proud of your farm.  Proud that is was such a fun place for so many people.  You gave a gift to people that I hope they never forget because very few people in this world did such a thing and never asked foranything in return.  I pray they never forget your generosity.  I will never understand why you agreed we should cancel the River Ride this year but I am glad you did.  I think somehow you knew.  All I can say for certain is that I hope God drives a Polaris.  And I hope he takes you on a fantastic ride.  And I hope he goes forwards and backwards.  And I hope he stopssmiles at you and says Any Questions?

You were a jerk.  You were often times not nice.  But you were my Dad.  And I would give anything in the world to have you call me and tell me one of your 4 hour jokes.  Or be at the Legion meeting my new friends and telling them I was the Vice President of Blick Art Materials.

You have a legacy.  You have left a legacy.  The Maquon Fire Department will never forget you.  The village of Maquon will never forget you.  Anyone who ever rides a 4 wheeler again, will never forget you.  

Ethan, Isabella, Dalton, Kolbie and Brodie.  He loved you all so much.  He was so very proud of you all and spoke of you with such pride in his heart.

Dee Dee and Jarod, I am sorry for what you had to find.  I pray for the strength for all of us to get through these next few months.  But mostly I pray we stay fiercely loyal to one another.  I know that he would want that.  He didn’t have to pull this stunt to make sure that happened, but I know he would want that.

The very last thing you said to me was I love you sissy, have a safe trip.  I love you too Dad.  May you finally rest in peace.

Before you I was nothing.  Without you I feel nothing.  But because of half of you, I am something.  

Now every Gambler knows that the secret to survivin’ 
Is knowin what to throw away and knowing what to keep
Cause ev’ry hands a winner and every hands a loser, 

And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep...