Shit Happens...

What happens?  Shit happens.  That is the cold hard truth.  Every day.  For someone, somewhere, shit happens.  That is what parents should teach their children.  Honestly.  I do believe one time, and I cannot recall why or what had happened, but my father, the man of very few words and even less emotion, said, “Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”  Harsh? Perhaps, but I was a young adult, not a child, so it made more sense.  I wasn’t crazy about this realization, but the reality of it, when you accept it, is simply just the facts. 

I am saying this because I have bad days.  I have real bad days.  I have battled depression since college.  And I say battle because it is a battle.  Kudos to you if you don’t need help in that arena, but that was determined for me before I ever came into this world.  My Great Grandmother from Italy, battled depression.  The commercial, that says depression hurts?  It does.  If you don’t or never have experienced this, you are blessed, but please don’t judge another human who does.  Walk a mile in my moccasins. 

This blog isn’t about depression though; it’s about the fact that I do have bad days.  Are they worse around my period?  DUH.  Regardless, I have them.  And I have a few friends who do not mind telling me, or even my mother for that matter, that when I feel this way, I should simply avoid Facebook, or posting negative things, because, well, it’s depressing, and you are so negative.  Uhhhh, yeah?  Isn’t that the point?  I am sorry, don’t read it.  Unsubscribe from me, de-friend me, whatever you need to do to not see it, but the reality is I DO NOT, and WILL NOT sugar coat things.  If I feel like shit, I am sorry, you will know it.  Shit happens.  I bow to the person who can be positive all day, every day, but we don’t live in the same worlds.  I don’t care who you are, people crack.  They break.  They shatter.  They get tired.  If you go through life not allowing yourself to feel like crap every once in awhile, eventually you are going to come apart. 

For instance, Sister and I are polar opposites.  If you know us at all, you obviously know this.  There is no way in hell we could work together or play together as much as we do, if we weren’t so different.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  She keeps hers nicely locked up.  She is a fiercely loyal mother, I don’t have children.  She lets shit roll off her like water flows down the stream.  She can compartmentalize and store shit for later discussion, but for me?  I need to deal with it the minute it occurs.  I have no idea why we are this way, she is most like my father and his side of the family and I am very much my mother’s side and we share everything.  EVERY-THING.  Perhaps the biggest difference between Sister and I, is that I am pointedly honest about how I feel and she contains it.  She was also found on a floor, leaving this world one morning (for a ton of reasons.)  I was not.  Does that make her method of dealing with stuff better than mine?  No, that is not what I am saying.  I am saying that by releasing my feelings, good or bad, positive or negative, they have somewhere to go.  I am not saying in any way, that because she keeps her feelings bottled up that she had a seizure and died…but I do know at the moment it happened she was worn out, exhausted, spent; all her resources depleted…which may have been just the nudge her body needed to shut down.  Would it have happened if she were more open about her feelings, probably, because it was going to one way or the other, but I don’t think I will suffer a heart attack or any other medical emergency from holding stress in?  Because, well I just don’t hold it in.

I am not perfect.  Never was.  Never will be.  It does not bother me that people think I am a negative Nellie all the time…I have had some pretty negative shit happen to me.  Is it because I am constantly prepared for the world to dump on me, I don’t know.  I really don’t.  I am negative when I FEEL negative and positive when I FEEL that.  What is wrong with that?  Like I realize that my preference in life is not appreciated or respected by some either.  But I am not going to hide that.  I will not shove it in your face either.  But I will be me.  Gay or straight, happy or sad. 

I realize I control who I allow to hurt me or disappoint me or all of that.  Of course I do.  Some days I am better equipped at dealing with it than others.  I don’t get a heads up on when those days will be.  They just happen.  Shit happens.

The moral of this story?  I am sorry if you feel like I am negative.  I do not have the right way or the wrong way of approaching things, I approach them as is necessary for me to handle them in whatever way I can handle them at the time. 

Today?  Today I will slay anyone or anything that attempts to ruin my happiness.  A few days ago?  Those things would have slayed me.  It’s life.  And life’s a bitch.  And shit happens.