Lonely...

I know Lonely.  Lonely and I go way back.  Lonely and I have known one another for a very long time.  Sometimes Lonely is all I ever had.  I could be Lonely in a group full of people.  I could be Lonely, by myself, which makes entirely more sense.  Some people think I experience Lonely because I live "downstairs."  For God's sake, Lonely doesn't discriminate...it doesn't give a shit if you live upstairs, downstairs, inside, outside, condo, cabin...you get the idea.  

The first time I met Lonely, I was a Freshman in college.  It was actually one of the scariest times in my life.  Meeting Lonely.  But eventually I learned how to deal with Lonely and although I would not say that we are necessarily friends, I have come to accept that Lonely is just going to be around whether I like it or not and it is easier to deal with if I accept it.  Sometimes Lonely is a welcome reprieve.

I have been "alone" pretty much my whole life.  Meaning without a significant other.  I blame a lot of things for that.  Mostly myself, but don't mistake having made that choice as for what is responsible for being Lonely.  You can be with someone and be very Lonely.  Again, Lonely doesn't discriminate.

Where am I going with this?  Right here.  I am going right here.  I took Brodie out the other night and it was probably about 11:00PM.  He likes to take his sweet time and I really can't see him in the dark so I was just looking at the stars, the moon, the sky, my Grandma's house.  I noticed her bedroom light was on, but so was the living room light, so I knew she was probably getting ready for bed.  I didn't get worried about her in the sense that something was wrong, because she has a LifeAlert and I know she will use it.  I wasn't even worried.  I was sad.  Deeply and profoundly moved sad.  Why?  Now there is someone who know's Lonely.  She just met Lonely head on a week or so ago.  I cannot imagine spending 60 years of my life with someone.  Well, that is not even possible for me now, but either way, I cannot imagine that and in one second, one breath, it's just gone.  I know my Grandpa was 90 years old, I am not saying it wasn't his time, it was a blessing.  I am talking about the instantaneous way her life changed.  For the last 10 years she has pretty much taken care of him 24 hours a day and now he is just gone. That is a Lonely I frankly don't care to ever meet.

I asked her the other day how she was doing and she said she was walking around in circles, lost.  And that I was incredibly smart to never get married...that the paperwork was hard when one of you "goes away"...it was so very sad to hear her say these things.  

Lonely is over at Grandma's house and I suppose it will be there awhile...I can't ask it to leave, it will come and go as it pleases...but it put a new perspective on MY Lonely...I am not going to say I appreciate mine more but I can say I am now empathetic to all the different Lonely's out there, because let's be honest.  There are no two Lonely's the same.