My reason to be brave...

Why is it that when some people pass, even if we do not know these people personally, the grief is overwhelming?  Or that it hurts your heart?  Like truly, your heart hurts.

I was sad when my Grandpa passed.  But it was, as we say in our oh so articulate world we live in (sarcasm) "a blessing." A blessing?  We say a blessing before we eat.  We receive the blessing (if you are Catholic) at Mass.  The very word blessing means the following:

the act or words of a person who blesses
a special favor, mercy or benefit
a favor or gift bestowed by God
the invoking of God's favor upon a person
praise, devotion or worship, especially grace, said before a meal

Ok...so who receives the favor or gift from God?  The person who passes?  Or those who are left to grieve?  I honestly have no idea, but we sure do say it a lot.  And yes, I suppose when a person is suffering and that suffering ends, that is a gift, for everyone involved.  Personally I want to know why there has to be suffering in the first place, because it seems to me that incredibly wonderful people suffer the most.  Is it a blessing when someone passes quickly and unexpectedly?  What do we call that?  When we have no warning?

I suppose you could call cancer one of the biggest warnings of all.  Although, it is generally complications of the disease that eventually take a persons life.  I don't really care what happens in the process of cancer, I just know that I hate its life and the cells it rides in on.  And yes, I said hate.  Because I do hate it.  I have lost my fair share of friends and family to the son of a bitch.  Some went peacefully, others did not.  Some had it entirely too young, some older.  It is the only thing that exists in this world that is not prejudice.  Interesting no?  Cancer doesn't give a fat rats ass who it hurts.  Or the people it leaves behind to pick up the pieces.  I have friends and family dealing with cancer right now.  Is it a "blessing" that they "know" what may or may not take their existence from this earth?  I guess I would have to ask them that.  I can't imagine having that information being a blessing, but that kind of thing is different for everyone.

I did not host a benefit for my cousin Jetty because he is my cousin.  Or because his mother and I were close when we were younger.  Or because we spent our summers together growing up.  Or because our grandfathers were brothers.  I did it because I could.  It was that simple.  But I promise you this, the minute he showed up in the yard that day, my life was forever changed.  Cancer had a face.  Cancer was 5.  Cancer wanted to play ball and run and scream and giggle and paint his face. And in that minute, you don't hate cancer...because you cannot imagine that anything so horrible could ever take any of that innocence from that child.  But cancer is tricky.  Cancer is devious.  Cancer is a conniving asshole.  (By the way Jetty is doing good...I just like to express my hatred of cancer as brutally honest as possible.)

Cancer took someone else I knew, recently.  I didn't know her well, but her mother was my favorite teacher, ever.  And I have had a lot of teachers.  I got to meet Alissa once, at Target actually, I think they may have been getting stuff to go on their trip to Florida.  I remember thinking in that moment, first, I hate you cancer, second, Alissa looks so tired, but happy to be going on a trip and third, that Nancy looked as I always remembered her, ready to take on whatever came her way.  She was probably one of the most empathetic people I had ever met and let me tell you in 5th grade you don't even know what that means, but you will later.  And it will mean everything to you.

To be honest, I thought Alissa was doing well.  I hadn't heard any good or bad.  Then out of nowhere the news came flooding in.  Why? How? What? Where?  All the usual suspects showed up...mostly though, dear God...at Christmas?  Nancy, I am so sorry...even at 21 years old she is still your baby...how do you tell someone you are sorry that they have to say goodbye to their baby?  AT CHRISTMAS?  And why in the hell is this hitting me so hard in the solar plexus?  Maybe because at 21 I never gave one thought to never seeing 22.  Did she wonder when?  Did she wake up everyday and think, this could be the last day?  I will never know and frankly it's none of my business...but it is stuff that goes through your head...

I will attend another visitation tonight.  And I will tell a family I am sorry.  Sorry that this and every single Christmas after this will never be the same.  And I will go, not only to show my love and support, but to comfort myself.  And I really don't understand how comforting oneself can happen by watching others hurting, but that is just how it works...

Her mom posted on FB this morning, how grateful she was for her family and friends and the prayers...and how Alissa would have wanted her life celebrated and I think to myself, here she is comforting others, when it should be the other way around, but perhaps that is what is comforting to her.

I don't believe I have what it takes to be a nurse that helps children, hell, anyone with cancer.  I just don't.  I don't know how I could not take that stuff home with me.  So, I will do the only other thing I know how.  I will volunteer.  And I will build houses, or I will help at the hospital, or I will deliver toys, or I will host more benefits, but I will not walk away from this.  I can't.  I have been in contact with St. Jude and I can promise you that when I get my assignments, everyone I know will know about them.  Because every single person I know has been affected by cancer, either personally, or through someone they know.  I don't want to know how many different types of cancer there is, because it is unfathomable to me...too damn many...but everywhere you turn, there it is.  So cancer?  Since I have no other way to kill your ass, I will just get in your face.  You can take lives.  Day in and day out, you can take them.  But you cannot take a persons spirit.  Nothing can. And if something does?  Well then I hate that too.  So...this begins my crusade against cancer.  The most prejudice biggest ass bully I know.  And I have never liked a bully.

Nancy, you and yours are in my thoughts today and tomorrow.  Actually, you haven't left them since I heard the news...but I want to thank you.  Thank you for making us all feel better about what you have to endure the next two days because frankly I cannot imagine it.

Last Saturday I believe I said to my mother, that I think I know why God didn't give me any children.  You don't stop being a parent.  Ever.  So they are adults at 18?  So what.  You still ache and break and bend for your child...and I personally don't know that I could survive losing a child.  I really don't.  He did give me the ability to fight for children though.  And so I will...

Bring it on cancer...bring. it. on.

When you stand up and hold out your hand...

in the face of what I don't understand...

My reason to be brave.