I thought I had previously written a blog about this very subject, but if I have, I cannot find it. So if it seems like something I have already written, I apologize.
Yesterday I watched The Adjustment Bureau. Have you seen it? Well, I have seen it before, and loved it, like more than I thought I would. Because initially it was not what I thought it was about. Since I struggle with making long stories short I shall just say that the movie basically is about how we all have a predetermined plan...a path...a journey. That it is already mapped out for us. And sometimes we go the wrong directions and that's what the Bureau does, rights our paths when we lose our way. That we are given the gift of free will, but that most of us don't know how to use it, so that's what the Bureau does...helps us out.
Let's think about that for a second.
WHAT IF...there was a map of our lives...that someone somewhere is monitoring for us. That's kind of an overwhelming feeling. But no more so than praying to a God none of us have ever seen or met. Or have we met him or her? According to the movie, we have all met the "Chairman" at one point or another.
So basically, we all have a guardian angel. Responsible for our paths. But I guess up until this point I just felt they protected us from harm, not that they were necessarily guiding. This is so confusing. But I want to believe this. I want to believe that there is a journal out there somewhere with my "path" and someone is carrying it and monitoring it and changing the direction when I start going the wrong way.
Why do I want this so badly? Because I want there to be a reason for all of this. A reason for everything. A reason why my life has been touched by cancer. A reason I have broken more bones in my life in the past 3 years. A reason I walked away from a business that everyone loved. A reason I only got to be in Hawaii for 2 weeks. A reason I was told I had arthritis at the age of 7. A reason my parents divorced. You get the idea. I am not of the philosophy that it's just because. I have a harder time wrapping my hands around it all being so random. I honestly don't think it is.
Sometimes, often really, I get overwhelmed with the desire to know WHY. I applaud those of you that are content with not knowing. I understand that I will rarely, if ever, get answers to that question, because apparently at some point it will all make sense.
Most recently, I walked away from something for the umpteenth time, like I have done it so many times I have physically lost count. This time was different for some reason. This time what was more important was why I was even there in the first place? There being at the point where you decide which direction to go. Like I genuinely questioned it all. What is this bringing to my life? How is it making me a better person? Or not? Like I really wanted to know what I thought I would get out of it. Were all the things that have happened regarding this issue in the past driven by "my path" because if not I just can't grasp the randomness of it. So the minute I accepted that, that it was because it wasn't SUPPOSED to work out, I was somehow able to finally accept it. Does that make any damn sense? Yes, people can say everything happens for a reason, but until you FULLY BELIEVE that yourself, it doesn't matter. And I want that reason to be because I have someone looking out for me. Like REALLY looking out for me.
I don't get it and I don't get why things happen. I hope I will someday, but for now, I blame the Bureau. And I guess if that helps me cope, deal, make sense of it, whatever, that's what I will have to do. Because I truly believe that I deserve to be happy. To find happiness. To find peace and content in my life, with or without someone. I just wish whoever is "in charge" of me would show their face and say, TRUST ME TIFFANY...all this bullshit is going to be worth it. I will believe them because their eyes will tell me the truth.
But for now, I blame the Bureau.
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