Not in the right place...

I have been in love twice.

Two times. My whole entire existence. 

Like truly let go and let be.

Once with a man and once with a woman. 

This may be the part where my mom stops reading. I doubt it.

If he was alive today and I could read this to him, because he did not have Internet or anything of the sort, he would've said, and trust me he did...on more than one occasion...once picking up ice for coolers and once because both of us were just sobbing because sometimes what you think you want, isn't what you really want...,he would've said...

Sis? Can you handle this? And I would've said of course Dad. 

I have tried in the past few weeks to reach out and re evaluate and do all sorts of things that growth from loss require. The truth is, and trust me, the truth hurts...I didn't grieve properly. Any of it. 

Loss is loss is loss. It all affects us differently. I remember a guinea pig death, that changed a little girls life. Sure we can laugh about it now. But at the time? It wasn't funny to her. 

The holidays are incredibly hard for me. And not just because of my most recent loss. But because of so many of them that came before it. 

Yes. I feel. I think. I analyze. I pick apart. I break down things to all the bits and pieces. I always have. I need to know how things work. It infuriates those that care about me. It infuriates me that they think I do that. 

I'm not going to apologize for infuriating you. I'm not going to apologize for wanting more from someone compassion wise. I feel misunderstood and that bothers me. Because I've never felt that way before. I'm pretty transparent. Too much. 

If I in any way have reached out to you recently in whatever way...it took a lot for me. This takes a lot for me. To be lonely in a room full of people is, well, a lonely place to be. My talking about it, posting it, acknowledging it is huge. And this was the first step. I don't want pity. Or sympathy. 

I want you to know that just because it's a holiday, it doesn't meant someone isn't hurting. 

PS. Not worried about love finding me. I'm just not in the right place. :)