Free Will...

I had an entire blog written about this past weeks events, but I could not bring myself to publish it.  Interesting for me since I really don't care if I upset people with my opinion.  It's just that, my opinion.  But I will say the following and then it will most likely be the last time you hear from me about it.

As humans we want to know WHY.  We want to associate a reason for everything that happens.  There was no God, God was removed from school, blame the gays, stricter gun laws, blame Obama, blame Dr.'s for not prescribing the correct meds, blame the government for removing mental health care funds...the point is, people are going to blame whoever they want, based on whatever their OWN beliefs may be, because that is just how we function, we have to blame someone.  Or something.  The point is, the person to blame is no longer here.  We will never know.  The police will form an opinion on it, but we will never know the real reason.  Speculating why really doesn't do anyone any favors.  Especially the survivors.  Because getting the answer will not bring them back.

I don't know why.  I don't know why right now there are 20 kids somewhere in America who are starving, who are malnourished, who are being beaten, abused mentally, emotionally and physically, who are being bullied because of their beliefs, or worse yet taken and being used in human trafficking...since that is out of sight and out of mind, we don't have to think much about it...but it's happening.  Right now as I type this.  No I am not minimizing what happened in CT, it just happens to be what is at the forefront of the new age of technology today, and what happened will be in our faces for quite awhile.  It's raw.  It's horrible.  It's unfathomable for most of us...but so much happens daily that is, so much that we never see.

I don't have kids.  I am not about to tell you or anyone what kids should be told on how to deal with this or cope or understand.  I am 40 and I don't understand.  I do understand that I am not going to spew my opinion on WHY because I have no earthly idea.  Blame God?  Or his lack of presence?  Hypocritical.  Some horrible crimes have been committed by people who were raised in God fearing homes.  I blame no one but the one who instituted the whole act.  I do not know what was missing in his life or what caused him to go to these extremes, but he did and the reality of it is a lot of innocent people are no longer alive.

I was born and raised Catholic.  I am not going to explain anything about my religious beliefs or how I was raised or why.  I will tell you that there are two words that my mother told me, probably within the last 15 years, that will resonate with me for the rest of my life.  And it is what I believe.  And it is what I need to believe to get me through every single day of my own life, which is the only one I need to be concerned about.  Those two words?  Free Will.  He gave us Free Will.  Does that make it easier for me to understand why some children will never grow up?  No, but it allows me to place the blame on the one person who carried out this heinous crime.  And only him.

For the record...

People make me laugh.  Sometimes.  Sometimes they make me cry.  Sometimes they piss me off.  Sometimes they make me sick to my stomach.  But mostly, I laugh, because I am never more amazed at the stories some people create based on having no actual facts.  Totally missing the boat if they don't volunteer to read to children at the library!  It has to be tiring though, coming up with a story?  Me?  I just go to the source...(Emily you will appreciate that) because if I want to know something why not ask the person themselves?

Anyway, the stories about why I moved out of Dad's house are cracking me up.  So let me just set the record straight, so everyone can get back to focusing on the task at hand, which is the upcoming Holidays, and not worrying about me!

Just the facts...

The decision to move was not sudden.  Actually I was thinking about it 13 years ago when I moved home.  For a million reasons, I remained in the house...however it wasn't healthy, not for me.  Approximately 2 months ago I inquired about this house and in all actuality is was not available, so I moved forward with getting interviews in Minnesota.  That didn't work out.  I inquired about the house again a couple weeks ago and it was available.  No more and no less than that.

Dad DID know I was moving.  He is aware that I am no longer there.  His not being present when I left was purely a coincidence.

There was no major blow out with Dad or any other member of the family.  This should have happened a very very long time ago.  A very large part of me stayed there because I didn't want to commit and if I did, I anticipated it would be out of state.  I finally jumped at an opportunity that presented itself.  The timing was perfect.

I did not buy the house, I am renting, from probably the two best landlords I have ever had in my life.

No one gave me $ to move, I have done this all on my own.  And contrary to popular belief or whatever may have come out of my fathers mouth at any point in time, his monthly expenses are not going to drastically decrease because I am no longer there.  I didn't cost him a fortune by living there.  I am guessing all his bills will remain the same.

I still have my job with Sister.  My "commute" is 20 minutes.  I personally know of others who drive a helluva lot farther than that...and it's not a big deal.  I still take Dalton and Kolbie to school who happen to appreciate that the car is nice and toasty warm when they get in it now!

Brodie is adjusting just fine.  I am increasing his meds until he gets comfortable, which he actually is doing better than anticipated, but mostly I think he senses my peace and happiness, which in turn makes it easier for both of us.

I did feel a sense of obligation to remain with Dad after the divorce, because frankly the man doesn't like being alone, but after my return home from Minnesota it was damn well past time for me to start worrying about myself...and it is a decision I should have made a very long time ago.

I have no idea how my brother feels about it or frankly if he even knows...we haven't discussed it.  Sister is super happy, but it was incredibly bittersweet for her...she will be fine.  I am sure this will be the best for all of us.

I don't think there is anything else off the top of my head that I need to confirm, but if something else comes up I will be sure to let everyone know.

Brodie and I absolutely love our new place.  I think he needs a friend, perhaps a kitten, but for now, we are getting settled and enjoying having something to call our own.  I have taken care of everyone else's needs for long enough, it's about us now...and to be brutally honest, I am at a peace I completely forgot existed or quite possibly have never even experienced.

Speaking Volumes...

I saw this posted somewhere yesterday…

“Say what you feel, in order for others to feel what you say.”

I personally don’t have a problem with this.  I have 99 problems, but this isn't one of them.  I would venture a guess that 99.99% of my friends and family FEEL everything I say.  One of the things I love about myself.  In fact, just last week I was driving around the Wisconsin countryside with one of my very best friends, house hunting, ya know, just to be prepared…and we were just talking about whatever and she just randomly says, this is why I love you.  And I’m like what? And she’s like, because, there is no wondering what you are feeling or thinking.  There is no mystery with you.  And you are not afraid to say it.  Ummm?  Nope…never have been I guess.  It’s probably why I have such a huge issue with communicating with people who do have a problem with it.

Anyway, when I saw the statement, my first initial thought was “speaking volumes”…how what we do, or what we say, or what we don’t do or say, can speak volumes about us as a person.  To be honest with you, what a person DOES NOT DO or DOES NOT say says more to me than any words that could come out of their mouths or actions they may take.  I am not sure why I feel this way, but I know I have for a very, very long time.

There is an old country song, I am not sure who sang it first, but it goes something like this:

“You say it best, when you say nothing at all...”

Or the old John Mayer song:

“Say what you need to say…”

I am pretty sure that sometimes we don’t even know when a person may be hanging on the very words that we do or do not say.  I do know that I hope no matter how harsh my words may or may not be, that no matter what I say and that whoever that person is, doesn't have to wonder.  Because there is nothing worse than wondering what a person is feeling.  NOTHING.  It’s like that phone call that never comes.  Or the text.  Or any damn form of communication. 

Where am I going with this?  Well, right here.  I didn't get a job that I applied for.  A job that would have allowed me to get back “up north.”  I was at peace with whatever happened because that’s just where I happen to be right now…at peace with a lot of things…but you make that announcement and you just know that certain people are going to say the right things…the things you need to hear…the things that come at just the right time…and they are going to mean everything in that moment, because in that moment, that was what you needed most.

And then someone you expected to say something to you about it says nothing.  Nothing at all.  Not an “I’m sorry,” not an “it’s for the best,” not even an “it wasn't meant to be.”  Nothing.  And your first thought is, wow, I shouldn't have expectations and then your next thought is, they are not as thoughtful as you Tiffany, or they don’t work that way…and you get all sorts of twisted up over it, for no damn reason at all and then that makes you mad because you have wasted so much time worrying about it.  And so you start to walk away and bam.  It hits you.  It hits you square in the face that by them saying nothing to you at all?  That it actually speaks volumes about them.

The moral of this story is that I am very used to not getting what I want…I have learned tremendous lessons in want vs. need.  I don’t NEED anything, or anyone.  Yes it would be nice.  But I don’t NEED it.  So I don’t need to waste any more time on someone who talks to me like they are talking to their child or who treats me that way.  Someone who obviously cannot be bothered to say, I am sorry you didn't get this job…

I have spent a tremendous amount of the past year pretty much not feeling worth too much.  Reality is it’s the exact opposite.  I didn't get the job because something better is coming.  I am too old to play games with anyone or anything.  For the first time in a very long time, I am a peace…something really wonderful is coming and I cannot tell you how long it’s been since I have felt this way. 

In the meantime, I guess if there is a possibility that someone needs to hear how you feel, you may want to say it…because you just never know when they may need to hear it in that very moment…and if you don’t say anything at all?  Perhaps that is what they needed to finally realize, that they didn't need that from you anyway.

And that, that? Speaks volumes.