Anyway, this weekend was interesting for me at best. Saturday I was all out of sorts. Completely twisted. I suppose I should, without saying too much,
tell you that that morning I realized someone who I had been talking to for
awhile now, and almost allowing myself to have an interest in, basically didn’t
turn out to be who or what I thought they would. No I don’t want to talk about how I know this
person, or where or any of that, I don’t even want to talk about the situation
at all, but I suppose I woke up hating people and especially liars and just
disappointed in general. I seriously
take for granted people’s honesty. And I
seriously believe it would be in my best interest to never believe another word
out of anyone’s mouth again. As much as
that saddens me, I know of no other way to survive at this point. I just have an incredible instinct to trust
and NOT ONE SINGLE TIME HAS THAT PROVEN TO BE TRUE.
It went a little something like this. I woke up, realized I was still alone, it was
cold and rainy and instantly I wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out. It took hours, I MEAN HOURS for me to realize
I was having anxiety. Serious anxiety. I am positive that I was talking to Rhetta
who always helps ground me, when I realized it was anxiety probably mixed with
depression that was the culprit. It was
seconds before I realized I had something to help with that. I got myself out of bed, showered, dressed
and called Angie B to come have a drink with me. Was drinking the right idea? Probably not, but ya know what, it
worked. I also got to see Robin and I
think all in all Angie and I had a great visit.
Plus I attended a party that I swore I could not attend because of my
craptastic mood, but I went and I had fun.
So for the first time in awhile, I was somehow able to pull myself out
of it…and for that I am grateful…and to all of you who helped!
When I realized it was anxiety, I seriously had to dig to
figure out why or where it was coming from.
Why was I having an anxiety attack over some person? It should have made me pissed not
anxious. Anyway, I honest to God did not
realize where the anxiety was coming from until I got to work. DESPITE that the powers that be think that
Sister is the only one who can make this place function, I realized the anxiety
was coming from the benefit I am hosting Saturday. Why am I anxious? Well Christ, I want it to go well. I want it to be successful. I want it to be fun and memorable and
organized and ya know something people want to do next year too. And then it hit me. What if I fail? What if it bombs like all of my
relationships? Well, that’s just stupid;
they aren’t even the same damn thing.
But honestly, failure is failure; I don’t care what it refers to. Will I fail?
Highly doubtful, I have a lot of people helping that will make sure I
get this dialed in and done well. So
where is all this coming from?
It’s what I will now call the Ballad between Love and
Hate. I don’t think there is anything
harder in the world than loving yourself.
And you have to love yourself before allowing another human being in your
life. I spent many years learning how to
love myself, being comfortable in my own skin, so how is it that I am still
alone? No my parents are not going to
see me get married in the traditional sense…whatever. This isn’t the life I had planned for me I
guess. And go ahead, and say, well Tiff
if you don’t like it, fix it, change it, move…and if you honestly sit back and
look, I have done everything I’ve wanted to do.
Going to Hawaii was as far out of my comfort zone as possible, and no I didn’t
get to stay but at least I tried. I
bought my own business, did fairly well.
It’s not that I have not TRIED to reinvent myself and find what makes me
happy. Personally I think there are
certain people who have an enormous amount of love to give, like me, and
nothing or no one to give it to. So
volunteer, etc . right? Well, that is
precisely why I did this event. But now I
am making myself sick over it being a success.
And I know it will be. The first
event was and I was really unsure about that one.
I am in a love hate relationship with myself daily. It’s not easy. Trust me.
In fact it sucks. No I do not
have kids, so I cannot possibly be able to understand when a couple who so
desperately wants them, cannot conceive.
But I do understand what it is like to be single and for a very long
time. There is nothing wrong with
wanting to be loved and to be loved out loud.
So although I cannot grasp the longing a couple feels for a child, I can
understand how hard it must be to watch people have babies all the time,
especially people who really should not be allowed to continue to produce
children. I have the same emotions when
I watch friends go in and out of relationships like drinking a glass of
water. Apparently that is why I am alone…it’s
a little more sacred for me, sharing my life with someone. And maybe the reason I am alone is because I
refuse to settle.
Whatever is going on, please don’t say I haven’t tried. Every single day, I get up and Try. And don't think for one second that it is lost on me that I was feeling sorry for myself and having a benefit for a little guy who didn't ask for any of the crap he has had to deal with.
I asked Pink to write me a song about this and true to Pink form, she did. ENJOY. Honestly I haven't seen the video, but I have heard the words. OVER and OVER and OVER.
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