The Tender Bar

I cannot take credit for the title as it really is the title of a book I read many many moons ago, but I loved it so much that I went out and bought a bar.  That is so not true.  Not even close.  I have always loved bars.  Always thought I wanted to own one.  One of my BFF's and I had discussed going into business together for several years when I lived in Minnesota...what a pipe dream that was.  The truth is I bought a bar because some man named Gary said I would never make it work.  I had to prove him wrong.  I think I did.

Okay, so it turned out to really happen.  And it was the hardest things I have ever ever done.  For various reasons.  Because it was in Maquon, because I was me, because no one had done well in it for a long time, because it had a bad reputation, because my family would be helping...endless this list is.

I have been blogging for a long time and have never really typed about it.  Any part of it really.  I suppose Freud could find lots of reasons for why I haven't written about it, but who really cares, I am now.

What most people don't know is what happened BEFORE the bar ever opened.  How many years it was discussed with me and many others about my desire to do run my own.  How badly I wanted food and the kitchen to be the spotlight.  How many countless hours I sat on Angie and Ernie's deck going over the Pro's and Con's.  I did not want it being called a Gay Bar...(funny it was sometimes,) I don't want people thinking I was given money to do this (whatever money I borrowed I paid back and AM STILL PAYING BACK,) I want it's success or failure to ride solely on me (and it did,) and the list goes on.  Countless hours.  Who's going to help me, etc. etc.

My brother in law and his father, Angie and Ernie, Debbie, my brother and sister in law, my parents, Dee Dee...the list of people to thank for getting me started and getting me through it would need to be a total separate blog...I hope they don't ever feel as if they were not thanked or appreciated enough because they were, beyond words.

I knew it was going to require a lot of blood, sweat, and tears and it did.  I did not know the tears would come immediately following the day I opened.  Few people know that the next morning I lay on the pool table and bawled my eyes out because every fiber of my being hurt and I was exhausted, I was done.  My cheer sections rallied and somehow we opened another day and another day after that...more days than I imagined we would to be honest.

We learned every single day, what we did wrong and how to fix it.  Or we tried.  We made a lot of mistakes, we accomplished a lot of things I never dreamed we could and I say we, because I did not do this alone.  It took almost 3 years to perfect the continuity of the kitchen and figure out how to cost effectively do things which was right about the time I wanted out.  We got in a lot of fights and we had a lot of laughs...some of my best memories are during those three years.

Unfortunately, I am not someone who can compartmentalize.  Meaning I can't deal with one thing and then put something else on the back burner to deal with later...Meaning I could not run the kitchen and bar by myself.  They are two separate demons entirely.  I could not be in both places.  That was one reason I became disenchanted.  Another?  I had my heart massively broken and I didn't want to face the public and be nice to people when my heart was hurting.  Another?  My parents decided they should get a divorce (20 years earlier would have been more beneficial) and I could not tolerate the words spewing out of my fathers mouth about the situation (which to this day has still not stopped.)  Another?  Somewhere along the way I got really tired.  Really tired and I stopped caring.  About whether I did a good job or not.

My personality is not conducive to a bar, even though most people think it would be.  My therapist begged me not to do it.  I want too much and expect too much back from people and I take things way too personally...it was would be my demise.  Yes, I am a people person, yes I know NO strangers, yes I love organizing social events, but I also take on all of the worlds problems and make them my own.  I had no room for that.  My favorite moments are when someone would Facebook or stop in the bar and say, oh my God, I have heard so much about this place, I had so much fun.  YEAH, because I wanted you to.  I wanted you to have good food and tell everyone.  I wanted you to have good service.  I wanted you to dance your asses off.  I will go to my grave knowing that part of the reason fun was had was because I treated everyone equally.  The way I wanted to be treated.  I love all of God's creatures until one of them piss me off.

When I felt like I couldn't manage the cash register while cooking in the kitchen, I came out to the bar and then things in the kitchen didn't work the way I wanted them to.  And vice-versa.  I could not be in two places at once and my BABY was the kitchen.  Unfortunately my baby was also what ate up most of whatever profit I would have...there is a tremendous amount of overhead in food...just ask my sister.  The moment when I stopped caring if I was in either place, is the moment I knew it was going to kill me.  And I am positive to this day that Sister can probably tell you what day that was.  I was no longer able to live up to expectations that I myself had of the place, that I created, that I wanted...it was going to hell in a hand-basket and it was going to go fast.

I was very lucky that Sally took it over.  Not many people in the business have that kind of luck, especially at about the moment they are going to throw in the towel.  Actually I had made my mind up to close no matter what.  I had to, or I was going to be a shell of a person, not that I am not that some days anyway.

The rest you know...sold the bar, went to Hawaii...blah blah blah.

The moral of this blog is that if you were able to be a part of Tiffany's on Main, you were truly able to be a part of something very special.  It took a village, it really did.  You got the best parts of me...and sometimes the worst.  Some incredibly wonderful family memories were made there...not just mine but other peoples...birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, JUST BECAUSE.  I met some amazing people.  Mike and Andi Howard?  Who knew?  Two of the nicest people who literally, by bringing their own friends, created business for me, but also lasting personal friendships as well.

If you asked me what I hated about it, the answer may surprise you.  Yes the long hours sucked.  Yes some customers were jerks (even though they were always right,) yes managing staff was a pain, inventory, payroll, yada yada yada...what I hated most was when someone waltzed into the kitchen like it was at their own house.  NOT because I didn't want people to feel comfortable doing so, but because when I say that kitchen was my BABY, I mean it.  I was in a zone...one I cannot describe unless you have also been in one.  I wanted my classical music (though Debbie would have never allowed that) cranked up and I wanted to to be left alone in my element to do my thing.  I hated that stupid window...I hated the door to the back porch...I hated the door to the back room...all ways for someone to infiltrate my "space."  Just like in Dirty Dancing, this is your dance space, THAT was my dance space...and it was crossed more times than I can count.  Do I hate those people not at all...but it would surprise people to know that my biggest wish is that I could have cooked and come out when I wanted or when I was done and not have been bothered once...that was what I wanted most.  At times it felt like my space was not respected.

What surprised me most?  Who were customers and who weren't.  I will never know their reasons why and it doesn't matter...to each their own.  I made some amazing friendships out of the deal.  I do miss it sometimes.  That took a year to say that.  There are moments I want to go back.  There are moments I want to call Debbie and Sally and say, I have an idea...but I don't.  I had my turn.  I took it.  I am proud I took it, a lot of people talk about doing something but never do it...I have a lot of regrets about it as well...regrets and mistakes, they're memories made...it is bittersweet.

As you know if you follow me at all on any venue, I am pretty down right now, so do me a solid and tell me what your absolute FAVORITE Tiffany's on Main memory was.  Someday, when I am big and famous I will give out gifts and stuff if you answer.  I know for a fact I would have sold so much RumChata, they would have given me stock.

Hope to hear from you...it would do my heart good.

P.S. The pictures chosen were done in a hurry and strictly chosen because I look good in them!  :)