Deactivated...

Yes, the rumor is true.  I deactivated my Facebook account for about 24 hours.  In an effort to make sure people don't hurt themselves trying to figure out why or what is wrong, I can tell you it was for no other reason other than to restrain myself.  I am a pretty passionate person.  About a lot of things.  But I can be just as passionate about shit that pisses me off as intensely as I can be about the things I love.  Interestingly, I didn't even DO THAT right.

I have two words that I have been using a lot since Saturday.  I'm done.  I am done with the bullshit.  The bullshit I have personally allowed others to make me feel.  Friends, family, co-workers etc.  We are treated the way we allow someone to treat us.  So if I let you treat me like shit, you will continue to do so.  Until something gives.  I didn't surrender, I didn't wave no damn white flag, I didn't say I give.  I said I'm done.  Huge difference.

No I didn't miss it.  I missed using my internet radio.  I missed being able to thank the friends that are continuing to donate to St. Jude.

Social networking has made it entirely too easy to tell someone how we feel about them.  A person very few people have ever seen or heard almost became unleashed the other night and in the end it would not have made me feel better.  It is really no more and no less as simple as that.  I didn't want anyone to see her, she is actually pretty ugly.  So don't stress your pretty little heads about it.  I am not in a real great space in my head, but it will pass.  It always does.  There are a few people who have never deserved one ounce of me but I allowed them to have it anyway.  They aren't getting any more.

This pretty much sums up how I am feeling right now...but I promise...this too shall pass.

I will never...

Today’s writing exercise is to write about 50 things I am never going to do.  Hmmmm.  Interesting.  Because I refuse to say that I will NEVER do something.  How the hell can I possibly know that?  Never say never right?  Well, maybe I misunderstood the assignment because after I sat down to think about it, there are some things that I will never do.  But it is not as easy as you may think. 

The first one came to mind really fast.  But only because I the first couple things I thought about, may indeed happen in my lifetime, so who knows.  I have no idea if I can hit 50, but I will go and see what happens.  Even as I type them, I can hear someone saying, how do you know?  Some of them?  Well, I seriously, dare you to try to do this…

Some of them I had help with from Sister.  See if you can pick which ones she suggested out.

1.       I will never be a grandparent.  Not in the truest sense of the title.  Yes I may still have my own children, but the odds of me doing that and still being alive to see them have children, is very, very unlikely.  Perhaps I will meet and marry someone who already has kids and then they have kids, but I will never be a grandparent through my own child.

2.       I will never water-ski again.  Ever.

3.       I will never turn down a hug.

4.       I will never cure cancer. 

5.       I will never own a McDonalds, Subway or any other franchise.

6.       I will never live in Alaska.

7.       I will never be a school teacher.

8.       I will never be a farmer.

9.       I will never scuba dive.

10.   I will never be an Olympic Athlete.

11.   I will never be the Tour de France winner.

12.   I will never run a marathon or be an Iron-Man.

13.   I will never drive a Semi.

14.   I will never be a tree. 

15.   I will never back up a trailer.

16.   I will never smoke crack, do cocaine, meth, etc.

17.   I will never cheat on my partner.

18.   I will never be the singer at a concert.

19.   I will never own a lizard.

20.   I will never ballet dance.

21.   I will never coach the Chicago Bears.

22.   I will never write a computer program.

23.   I will never stop voicing my opinion.

24.   I will never tattoo a teardrop on my cheek.

25.   I will never be President of the United States.

26.   I will never want bigger boobs.

27.   I will never wear a girdle.

28.   I will never be a Dr.

29.   I will never own a private jet.

30.   I will never stop dreaming (about a perfect world that doesn’t exist.)

31.   I will never sell office supplies out of the back of my CR-V.

32.   I will never start a nuclear war.

33.   I will never stop believing in love.

34.   I will never intentionally hurt a child or an animal.

35.   I will never climb Mount Everest.

36.   I will never win the Nobel Peace Prize.

37.   I will never speak Russian, Portuguese or Chinese Mandarin.

38.   I will never win an Oscar, Grammy, Emmy, etc.

39.   I will never be in a soap opera.

40.   I will never dance at a Strip club.

41.   I will never exhibit at the State Fair.

42.   I will never get a sex change.

43.   I will never paint a masterpiece.

44.   I will never visit Russia.

45.   I will never invent a Social Network.

46.   I will never wish to grow older faster.

47.   I will never be a bully.

48.   I will never hang dry wall.

49.   I will never go to Antarctica.

50.   I will never be a hair stylist.

Clay Thurman...yep you read that correctly.

I am doing this new thing with my Blog, when I am having trouble writing.  Obviously if you write, and you experience issues, you have what we call in the biz, writers block.  Happens to the best of us.  Anyway.  I imagine some of these “assignments” will be funny and some will be sad and some will be who knows, but I have vowed to stick with it and hopefully it will help my writing skills!

Today’s assignment was to basically pick a picture via a random # and write about that picture.  This would have been hard for Sister because she has a bazillion, but I asked for her help and picked my picture following these rules.  I have 71 albums in FB so I asked her to pick a number between 1 and 71 and she chose number 55.  I had 48 pictures in that album so I did the same thing and she picked number 21. 

Now…the assignment is to write about what this picture makes me feel.  Who it was, where it was, what I was feeling at the time, etc. just write.  So with that in mind, here is the picture that came up.  And CLAY? NO one was more surprised than I to get this pic...Sister laughed her ass off.

Clay Thurman.  Where the sam hell do I start here? I went to school with Clay; he was quite a bit younger.  Our parents went to school together.  We grew up basically in the same small Podunk town.  I did not run around with Clay or hang out with Clay really, ever.  I saw Clay more in my life after I bought the bar, then ever before.

I am supposed to be honest.  So here goes.  My initial thoughts about Clay were that he was an arrogant asshole.  And I really had no reason to feel that way, because he was always nice to me, that’s just how he came across.  Clay hated my no smoking rule at the bar and challenged that OFTEN.  Clay didn’t like rules.  Rules were made to be broken.  We butted heads with this frequently.  HOWEVER, Clay was a very big supporter of my business, participated in quite a few of the events and really did spread good words about the place.

This is Halloween 2009; at my bar, Tiffany's on Main...he came as Elmer Fudd I believe.  I do not believe he was dating his wife at the time.  Clay loves Halloween.  I hate Halloween.  With a passion.  But it’s a big deal in a bar, so I sucked it up.  I believe this year’s theme was Scaryoake, so naturally Clay would be there because naturally he would have to sing.  He loves to sing.  And he is actually pretty good.  Except when he sings Love Shack.  And not because he sucks at it but because I despise that song.  Talk about nails on a chalk board phenomenon…that is how I feel when I hear that song.  And it was Clay’s go to song at every. Single. Karaoke. I ever had.  It was very difficult for me to endure.

I have known Clay a very long time.  Clay is Clay.  Unique is not the right word.  He definitely beats to his own drum.  He does make his own kickass wine that manages to get everyone who drinks it completely wasted, so I am not entirely sure what he makes it with, but knowing him it is fully intentional. 

Clay, don't ever say there was a not a blog written about you.

Dear Matt and Jeni--"I was here"

Dear Matt and Jeni-

Where on earth do I begin?  I seriously cannot remember exactly how the idea came about to do a Kickball game for Jett, but it was first posted on August 28^th to my group of Kickballerzs on Facebook.  Instantly my friend Kelli said, OH put me on the committee, I want to do this.  Shortly thereafter a few others piped in, Kim, Angie, Mandie, Amy Jo, Dee Dee, Jenell, Amanda, Ashley, you get the idea…that night, at our ONE AND ONLY committee meeting, Kelli asked me if I had an amount I wanted to shoot for.  I said $500.  She said and I quote “apparently you have never done a fundraiser with me.” Umm, no actually I haven’t.  She said how about we make our target $5000.  Well, I thought that was very lofty for our first time…but turns out she was right.

I am writing to tell you something I remembered the other night, as I was laying in bed thinking about how much has happened since the end of August.  I remember when I was making regular trips to the Mayo clinic for my JRA.  I was in the pediatric area at the time, so I didn’t just see kids with arthritis, I saw kids with everything.  I was a kid myself.  I remember one day when we were going in for my spinal tap and I was petrified.  I think I cried all night.  Sitting in the waiting room waiting, mom said “you have no idea how lucky you are.”  Well at 8 or 9 years old about to get this rotten procedure, I sure as hell didn’t feel lucky.  She said “you see those kids who have no hair?  They have no hair because they have cancer.  You have arthritis and no it is not fair to be your age and have it, but nothing about their lives is fair.”  “I will not allow you to be sad or feel bad, because what they have to go through is far worse than anything you will experience today.” “You really don’t understand and you won’t for a very long time, how lucky you are to only have what you have.” 

I am 40 years old and I just now got what she said.  It was weird how the memory came back…I haven’t thought about it in a very, very long time.

You already know that cancer has hit close to home.  My Grandma Rosie, Molly, other family and friends, but it changes you when you see cancer in your face.  I want to make sure I say this correctly because Jetty HAS cancer, but he is NOT CANCER.  I believe this whole event became a reality to all of us yesterday when he walked into the yard.  I know it did for me.  There was the face; there was the person this was all about.  5 years old.  He didn’t ask for this.  He didn’t wish this upon himself.  Nor did you and Matt or Jadey.  None of you wished for any of the struggles you have ALL had to endure.  But you 4 united and have dealt with every single thing God has handed you, which if you ask me has been nothing but adversity.  Cancer changes people, all illness does, no matter what it is.  Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, regardless it changes a person. 

I am positive when you go to St. Jude, the things you see and hear and watch and feel, are among things that most of us cannot fathom.   I also know you are in awe of what the facility accomplishes on an hourly basis…and I also know how grateful you are to have their services.

I do not understand God.  I never have.  I pray to him and I believe in him and all that jazz, but I will never understand some of things children have to go through.  I suppose someday I will.  Obviously you know I have no children of my own and there is a huge part of me that was scared of ever being a parent because I don’t think I could go through what you have.  I really don’t.  This was all I could do to help you.  The best part was you didn’t ask me to.  There is a tremendous amount of truth in the statement to give is to receive, because Saturday was all about giving.  I personally am blown away at the generosity of my family, my friends, my community…but most of all I know that every single person there did all of that before they ever got to meet you guys or see him run the bases, without a care in the world. There will be a 2^nd Annual Kickin It For The Cure regardless of Jetty’s status with cancer.  However it will forever be held in his honor.

I cannot thank you enough for being there, for showing up and for being the inspiration and the catalyst.  I don’t believe you and Matt will ever grasp how many people look up to you and pray for you and stand behind you.  I know that God only gives us that which we can handle and I think he has given you plenty.  I hope you sincerely know that each and every single one of us involved yesterday were touched in ways we never have been.

You are all my heroes…

You know, without having to tell me or talk to me that I have struggled to find my place in the world, doing everything I can for everyone else around me…rarely for myself.  It’s who I am, it’s what I do.  I have never been more proud of myself as I was Saturday and that is not an easy statement for me to make.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I may have left my mark.  I feel like I can finally say, I was here. 

THANK YOU…

You gotta get up and TRY...

I know, I know, I know.  I haven’t blogged in eons.  To be honest, I have been a little busy.  And the older I get, the harder it is for me to multi-task.  Bullshit if you ask me.

Anyway, this weekend was interesting for me at best.  Saturday I was all out of sorts.  Completely twisted.  I suppose I should, without saying too much, tell you that that morning I realized someone who I had been talking to for awhile now, and almost allowing myself to have an interest in, basically didn’t turn out to be who or what I thought they would.  No I don’t want to talk about how I know this person, or where or any of that, I don’t even want to talk about the situation at all, but I suppose I woke up hating people and especially liars and just disappointed in general.  I seriously take for granted people’s honesty.  And I seriously believe it would be in my best interest to never believe another word out of anyone’s mouth again.  As much as that saddens me, I know of no other way to survive at this point.  I just have an incredible instinct to trust and NOT ONE SINGLE TIME HAS THAT PROVEN TO BE TRUE. 

It went a little something like this.  I woke up, realized I was still alone, it was cold and rainy and instantly I wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out.  It took hours, I MEAN HOURS for me to realize I was having anxiety.  Serious anxiety.  I am positive that I was talking to Rhetta who always helps ground me, when I realized it was anxiety probably mixed with depression that was the culprit.  It was seconds before I realized I had something to help with that.  I got myself out of bed, showered, dressed and called Angie B to come have a drink with me.  Was drinking the right idea?  Probably not, but ya know what, it worked.  I also got to see Robin and I think all in all Angie and I had a great visit.  Plus I attended a party that I swore I could not attend because of my craptastic mood, but I went and I had fun.  So for the first time in awhile, I was somehow able to pull myself out of it…and for that I am grateful…and to all of you who helped!

When I realized it was anxiety, I seriously had to dig to figure out why or where it was coming from.  Why was I having an anxiety attack over some person?  It should have made me pissed not anxious.  Anyway, I honest to God did not realize where the anxiety was coming from until I got to work.  DESPITE that the powers that be think that Sister is the only one who can make this place function, I realized the anxiety was coming from the benefit I am hosting Saturday.  Why am I anxious?  Well Christ, I want it to go well.  I want it to be successful.  I want it to be fun and memorable and organized and ya know something people want to do next year too.  And then it hit me.  What if I fail?  What if it bombs like all of my relationships?  Well, that’s just stupid; they aren’t even the same damn thing.  But honestly, failure is failure; I don’t care what it refers to.  Will I fail?  Highly doubtful, I have a lot of people helping that will make sure I get this dialed in and done well.  So where is all this coming from? 

It’s what I will now call the Ballad between Love and Hate.  I don’t think there is anything harder in the world than loving yourself.  And you have to love yourself before allowing another human being in your life.  I spent many years learning how to love myself, being comfortable in my own skin, so how is it that I am still alone?  No my parents are not going to see me get married in the traditional sense…whatever.  This isn’t the life I had planned for me I guess.  And go ahead, and say, well Tiff if you don’t like it, fix it, change it, move…and if you honestly sit back and look, I have done everything I’ve wanted to do.  Going to Hawaii was as far out of my comfort zone as possible, and no I didn’t get to stay but at least I tried.  I bought my own business, did fairly well.  It’s not that I have not TRIED to reinvent myself and find what makes me happy.  Personally I think there are certain people who have an enormous amount of love to give, like me, and nothing or no one to give it to.  So volunteer, etc . right?  Well, that is precisely why I did this event.  But now I am making myself sick over it being a success.  And I know it will be.  The first event was and I was really unsure about that one.

I am in a love hate relationship with myself daily.  It’s not easy.  Trust me.  In fact it sucks.  No I do not have kids, so I cannot possibly be able to understand when a couple who so desperately wants them, cannot conceive.  But I do understand what it is like to be single and for a very long time.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved and to be loved out loud.  So although I cannot grasp the longing a couple feels for a child, I can understand how hard it must be to watch people have babies all the time, especially people who really should not be allowed to continue to produce children.  I have the same emotions when I watch friends go in and out of relationships like drinking a glass of water.  Apparently that is why I am alone…it’s a little more sacred for me, sharing my life with someone.  And maybe the reason I am alone is because I refuse to settle.

Whatever is going on, please don’t say I haven’t tried.  Every single day, I get up and Try.  And don't think for one second that it is lost on me that I was feeling sorry for myself and having a benefit for a little guy who didn't ask for any of the crap he has had to deal with.  

I asked Pink to write me a song about this and true to Pink form, she did.  ENJOY.  Honestly I haven't seen the video, but I have heard the words.  OVER and OVER and OVER.

Sad songs say so much...

Sometimes I get sad.  Sometimes it's important to be sad and allow myself to be sad.  Most importantly...It passes.  And it's ok.  It will always, always, always be ok.

Don't feel sorry for losing something you DIDN'T have and will NEVER have.  Feel sorry for someone who DIDN'T see your worth and NEVER will...

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to...

In a way, I need a change

From this burnout scene

Another time, another town, another everything...

I take a step in to the rain

To make sure I can feel again

The way it hits my skin feels like a tear,

And I would love to be the song you sing

To everyone for everything

Just tell me when this melody gets clear,

Cause I can hear you get colder

And tell me when you're numb

And you're sure you're attached to the wrong one

And I can tell you the time and the day this will come.

Momma once told me

You're already home where you feel loved

I am lost in my mind

I get lost in my mind

I kept waiting on a reason

And a call that never came

No, I never saw it coming

Something in you must have changed

All the words unspoken, promises broken,

I cried for so long,

Wasted too much time, should've seen the signs

Now I know just what went wrong. 

I guess it's funnier from where your standing

Coz from over here I miss the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing
I've done it again
Another number for your notes.