There was a you, before a him...

Before Brodie, (my current 4 legged child who is a Maltese,) there was Bailey, another Maltese.

Bailey Jane

Sadly she had a very short life span.  Without doing the crazy insane testing necessary to prove it, she was diagnosed with a collapsed trachea.  So when she ate too fast, or got excited, or had to travel, she would basically hyperventilate to the point where I wasn’t sure she would continue breathing.  This was a horrific time for me because I didn’t understand and I didn’t want her suffering and I also didn’t have the money to go somewhere to have the surgery that may or not open her airway.  She progressively got worse…when people would come to the house it would just completely almost kill her.  It was the Monday after Christmas that I had to make the hardest decision of my life.  Putting Bailey out of her misery created a misery in me that I didn’t know could exist.  If you have ever had to do this, then you know how bad it hurts.  On December 28^th, 2009, I sent a huge portion of my heart to heaven.  Bailey was the first pet I had ever had. 

It’s been over 3 years and for whatever reason out of nowhere a memory came over me the other day and it occurred to me that I had not thought of her in awhile.  I mean you would think Brodie would be a constant reminder, but not really.

Brodie James

I think what triggered it was I was looking for something the other day and I found HER.  Now before you freak out, I had her cremated so she can go with me ALWAYS, everywhere.  I hadn't gotten around to getting her on the shelf…she is there now, maybe it’s weird, but it’s comforting to me.  The thought of her was fleeting, until yesterday driving to work.  It hit me so hard that I could NOT REMEMBER HER…I couldn't picture her, or envision her.  When I tried, I kept conjuring up Brodie.  Yes, it would be terribly hard to tell them apart, but I still couldn't pull up a moment, a snapshot.  And I wondered is this normal?  Is this a pet thing?  How did I lose her memory?  Where did she go?  Why can’t I remember her? Is this just me, is it something else?  Anyway, it made me incredibly sad.

In case you didn't realize, both pets have been special needs children and no their issues were not necessarily specific to that breed…I just got lucky enough to be their mom.  And I am not saying that sarcastically…no one could love them like I did/do.

Mostly I am just wondering if it is normal for me to experience this phenomenon.  Not being able to conjure her memory.  The same day I was traveling to work and realized I couldn't remember her, I thought to myself, OK, I guess this is normal and I will have to deal with it, but thank God “her song” didn't come on the radio or I would have lost it.  Her song being the song that was playing when I alone, drove her, to the funeral home.  I will never forget the song because it could not have been more appropriate for the moment.  And to this day, if I hear it, I cry.  Well, the little shit must have wanted me to remember her because that very same day, on my way home from work, her song did in fact come on the radio…and I did cry. 

So to Bailey Jane I say, I am sorry my memory of you drifted.  I am sorry you are not still with me.  I am sorry that I didn't pay attention to the song, when you asked me not to let you go.  I had to let you go physically, I am sorry that happened mentally too.  I would say I am sorry that you didn't get to know your brother, but honestly had you been healthy neither would I have gotten to know him.  I selfishly got him to fill your void.  He’s very ornery.   And he has me wrapped around his paws.  He is the very thing I look most forward to seeing every single day.  And I thank you for sending your song to remind me that there was a you, before there was a him.  I hope you are having fun in heaven.  Give Grandma Rosie, Molly and Cousin Angie some kisses for me.