Plans...

Plans.

People make them.  People break them.  People build from them.  People create things from them. People organize with them. People ruin other people’s lives with them.  Some people don’t make them.  Some people don’t follow them. 

Personally I like a general plan.  I don’t need it down to the knat’s ass, but I like to have one.  Daily, in life, whatever.  I can get a little out of sorts if things don’t go according to “plan.”  I have had a lot of plans not come to fruition, so it is safe to say, I am out of sorts a lot.  I am trying to get better, seriously, because honestly, life is too short.  I am positive at the end of my life I will not say, I wish I had planned more.  I will probably say I wish I had lived more.

I do not think that death is the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

A lot has died inside me.  A lot.  Not including my gallbladder.  I cannot express in words how much better I feel having it out.  I told mom today that sometimes when you are so miserable for so long you don’t even remember what it feels like to not be.  But that is not what this blog is about…this blog is about plans.

Something happens to us all.  At some point in time.  We don’t know when, why or how, but it happens and it INSPIRES us to change.  Could be a person, a place or a thing.  I have spent hours, days, weeks months of my life looking for it…inspiration…but you can’t search for it, it just happens.

So, I was inspired the other night, during a show.  Stand Up for Cancer.  You may have watched, if not, it was extremely profound.  I was sitting there, at mom’s, for the SECOND time in 9 months recovering from a surgery…and it occurred to me that I was miserable.  Not being at my mom’s.  But with my body, myself, my life, my place in this world.  All of it.  And here were these little people simply fighting for their damn lives.  And adults.  And interestingly, they know what is making them sick.  They know the contender they are up against.  Some people don’t.  Personally, my biggest competitor?  Myself.  I get in my own way a lot.

Anyway, it was this moment when I decided to make a change.  And lots of them.  Get out of Dad’s house, get back to Minnesota/Wisconsin, REMOVE people in my life who are not contributing back to my happiness.  Try to not let my job stress me out cause we all know Sister doesn’t let it stress her out.  Eat better, move more, yadda yadda yadda.  Figure out a way to give back to those fighting Cancer.  Why?  Because I don’t have it and I can.  And it was then that it occurred to me that I don’t have a plan.  I have always had a general idea where and what I wanted to do and how I would get there.  And it was then that I occurred I no longer care.  I am going to jump, with both feet and Brodie and re-invent myself.  People do it every day.  I don’t need a plan.  And it was then that this occurred to me:

My cousin Jeni and her husband Matt did not PLAN on being told that day that Jett had Leukemia at 3 years old.  I am positive they had things planned for that night, the next day, whatever.

My Uncle Brad and Aunt Michelle did not PLAN on being told their daughter had a brain tumor and she would only live 10 weeks.  They had lots of PLANS.

My neighbor didn’t PLAN on his wife being in a terrible accident and now laying in critical condition.  Gramma didn’t PLAN on Grandpa quietly passing that day.  She had PLANNED on taking care of him for a lot more time.  My friend Tancy didn’t PLAN on having to treat a cancer, she didn’t even know she had or PLAN for.  The list goes on. 

My point is, I am done planning…and when I say planning I mean in the general scope of it.  I am planning to meet friend Friday to discuss this event I am PLANNING for Jett, to Kick Cancer’s Ass, but if for some reason we can’t get together, we will figure it out…life goes on.  I don’t know how it does it, but it does.  I am not going to PLAN because I will be extremely disappointed when it doesn’t work out.  I PLANNED to be dating someone and in a committed, serious, relationship by now.  We are all aware of how that’s worked out. 

All of those people, whose lives changed on a dime, had PLANS.  Big ones.  That is not to say that their plans have since changed, but they have…and they adjust and they adapt.

Right now my happiness is paramount.  Right now my heart is Up North, it has been for years.  Right now I am sending out resumes and applications as I speak to that very area.  Right now I am the most at peace with my life than I have been in ages.  Maybe all I needed to do was Stand Up to Cancer, who knows, I don’t even care.  Maybe I just needed to get my gallbladder out.  Maybe I just needed to get rid of some people in my life who were giving me nothing in return.  I honestly don’t know what flipped the switch.  I just now it flipped.

And I PLAN to do something about it.  J