THE Broken Heart...

Of all the organs in the entire body, the one that amazes me most is the Heart.  Can you imagine if you had to put a cast on a broken heart?  Or put it in a splint?  Or put it through physical therapy for 6 weeks till it begins to heal?  There is no break quite like it because there are very few things besides time that can heal it.
 

Never, ever, ever does a heart break even.  Someone always gets the short end of the stick.  Someone always has a harder time than the other one when a relationship ends.  It doesn’t matter if it is an intimate relationship, a friendship, a work relationship…only one of the two involved will fall to pieces. 

A heart can break many times, for many reasons.  If it would focus on its primary function which is to pump blood, things wouldn’t be so hard for it.  There is probably some controversial writing or research somewhere that says it isn’t even your heart that is involved.  That it is an emotion that you are feeling in your head, where your feelings are controlled, not your heart.  To my knowledge your heart has not been scientifically proven to FEEL anything.  And yet, hearts break every single day.    

You don’t get the job you have been wanting forever.  Your boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up with you.  Your favorite team loses “the big game.” A loved one passes away. You have to put a beloved pet to sleep.  Your best friend moves clear across the country.  Someone calls you a derogatory name or hurts your feelings.  You have feelings for someone who does not have the same back for you. (Sometimes I think unrequited love has to be the worst kind.)  The list goes on.  There a million ways a heart can break which as I mentioned, I find interesting since it’s our brain that controls our feelings.  If you have ever had a broken heart (and I am pretty sure we all have) you know that there is no way this can be true.  The heart is the only thing we can manage to break on our body and yet it still works.

I suppose it could happen, but one doesn’t generally break their own heart.  Another person, place or thing has to do that for them; obviously we give that person, place or thing the power to do so.

Can you remember the first time your heart ever broke?  I can.  Like it was yesterday.  I can tell you the time of day, where I was standing, the way the clouds looked, the last words that were spoken that night.  I was pretty sure at the time that it was broken beyond repair.  I was 16.  I was in for a rude awakening…it would break several more times. 

I have been told I feel too much.  I fall too fast.  (There’s a song for that…I have a song for everything.) I get too attached.  How is that possible?  How does a person feel TOO much?  Don’t you just feel what you feel?  I mean how is that controlled?  I suppose some people are better at it than others, hiding emotions, but not I said the Tiff.  My heart is worn on my sleeve.  Not that I find that to be advantageous in all circumstances but to be honest, it has done me okay.  There is no mystery as to how I feel.  In every fiber of my being if my heart is hurting, everyone around me will know it.  I am not ashamed of that.  I do not wish for that to be different.  I wish I was better equipped to deal with it when it did.  NOT THAT IT BREAKS, how to handle it when it does.  I have learned to accept that it breaks because that means I am not only NOT afraid to feel, but not afraid to show it.

If there is one thing I am not, it is insensitive.  Overly sensitive yes, insensitive no.  I would like to thank my mother for that…although the older I get the more I have learned that being overly sensitive can cause you a great deal of suffering if you let it.  So as usual, with me there is no happy medium.  And interestingly enough, when I try to be less sensitive and show less emotion it usually makes people mad.

I have also been told that I am a good communicator.  That I have physically taught others to open up and share what they are feeling because I make it look so easy.  Don’t think for one second putting my heart out on the table for the world to see is easy, it is just how I was made.  And I have accepted it.  It makes me incredibly vulnerable which I am usually anyway on a good day.  There are days that I wish I didn’t feel things as intensely as I do, but as have mentioned before, I have tried and tried and tried to change it and I simply can’t.  I look at the people who have a heart of steel and feel bad for them sometimes, and then I remember it is the easiest way for them to not get hurt, to not get involved. 

I don’t regret my broken hearts; I simply wish I was better equipped at dealing with them.  Contrary to popular belief having to return to Hawaii shattered my heart and the funny thing was not one person said I am sorry that you had to do that.  I am pretty sure that everyone thought I wouldn’t last out there anyway, which breaks your heart in an entirely different way.

All I can say for certain is that I put my heart and soul into everything I do.  I wouldn’t do it any other way.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  That is the risk you take.  And in regards to people?  A very good friend of mine said this the other day and it took a few days but it finally sunk in…

Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by the other person, it isn’t worth having…

I will never, ever give up on the people, places or things that I believe in.  That is until they make me feel like less of a person than I really am.  And in reality, I give them the ability to do that…so; technically it is my own fault.  I give the situation my heart to break and when and if it does, I have to deal with the consequences of putting it all back together.

I guess it just needs time.


You know I love music...and without  it I think it would be like not being able to breathe.  I remember where I was the first time I heard this song.  Downtown St. Paul, Minnesota...under 16" of snow and negative temperatures, about 5:30AM, parking across the street from work.  I sat in my car and listened to the whole thing.