Just wanna be...happy

Halloween is finally here.  I never get excited about it until it is over and then I think of all of the cute things I could have been.  However, it would have been totally for me.  No one at work gets dressed up, in fact Sister hates this holiday.  I couldn’t dress up for the Halloween contest at the bar as I was a judge…and the night I could have went to a costume party I was feeling less than sociable.  So, as usual it is pretty much over and I thought of six things I could have been.  I can take or leave it really.  I do not love it like I love St. Patrick’s Day.  That is my favorite holiday, next to Christmas.  I think partially because it was really a big deal when I lived in St. Paul.  I know, two different Saints, but we still celebrated a lot. 

You may or may not be happy to know that I slept…like Thursday night, but I slept.  I woke up in the same position I went to sleep in…those are my favorite kind of sleeps.  That is when you know a person has finally reached exhaustion.  Over the weekend I didn’t sleep worth a crap without the help of some night time aid, which is hardly worth it when you wake up and have to feel more tired than when you went to sleep.

I didn’t have a good weekend to be honest.  However, I went for a much needed drive Saturday and met some friends for lunch…that was nice.  It was a drive that could have turned into a really long drive; I am not sure how it didn’t.  I also got to see my other half, Rhetta for lunch yesterday.  I miss her face.  That too was nice.  But you know when you try to do things to take your mind off of other things and no matter how hard you try or what you do or who you are with or where you go, nothing works?  Yeah, it was one of those weekends.

I won’t go into the details of the weekend, it was just a struggle.  And I was reminded of how some people are able to walk around as if nothing in the world is wrong.  I wish I had that ability, I just don’t.  I don’t even possess that option of trying to.  I know there are probably people out there who will say that the struggles are there for a reason.  They exist solely so you can take a good hard look at your life.  I guess that can be true.  My argument and I am going to have a pity party for a minute, is that everything I do is a struggle.  Sister will say it is my own fault that I insist on going against the current, that I can’t just follow “standard procedures.”  That I make my life harder than it has to be.  Ok, but why?  Why would a person intentionally make their life harder?  I enjoy a challenge don’t get me wrong but I don’t think I am purposely setting myself up for constant hardship…but wow, there it is…constantly there.  If I am doing that, I better go back to my therapist because I am not aware of why I would be doing it.  Sister would say attention or because I want people to feel sorry for me, but to be honest, I don’t.  I don’t want anyone’s sympathy.

So maybe I choose the path less traveled…someone has to don’t they?  Someone has to pave the way.  It really has me concerned, because I don’t want to sabotage my own personal happiness…but it sure appears that that is what I am doing.  Why would a person do that?  I certainly feel like I deserve to be happy…

So I will leave you with the song that I played repeatedly while driving this weekend...