Veritas Liberabit Vos

The title means, "truth shall set you free" in Latin.

And the words to the right mean: personal honor and truth in actions and justice, regardless of the circumstances.

I am positive I am not the only one with trust issues, but I think I may have more of a problem with it than most people.   I used to trust everyone and everything…I mean, like I gave everyone and every situation the benefit of the doubt, always.   Then, something changed. 

It starts with a lie.  Usually a little white lie, that had it been shared immediately, probably wouldn’t turn into as big a deal as it does.

I have discussed this with my therapist at great length and yes I have a therapist and yes I used to go regularly, I loved that time.  I currently can’t afford to see her, so I write my blog…but anyway, this topic was discussed A LOT during our sessions.  I couldn’t understand why the people I cared about most, whether it be family, friends, lovers, whatever, could not tell me the truth.  Why they always either completely lied or candy coated things and when I would find out, they would say it was because they didn’t want to hurt me.  If the lie is going to hurt me and the truth is going to hurt me, which one do you think I am going to be able to handle the best?  If you know me at all, you would know that the answer is the truth. 

Her response was something to this affect:  You are one of the most “real” people a person is going to meet.  There is no pretense with you, no games, and no hidden agenda.  People see and feel that immediately and it is an attractive quality, but also so much so that it kind of puts you in this league of people that most of society has a hard time hurting.  The idea of telling you the truth seems so daunting that a lie has to be the answer.  You are too genuine and real that it kills someone to tell you the truth, especially when the truth will deeply hurt you.  This also is why you are so deeply hurt when someone does lie to you, because you feel that since you have been so honest and forthcoming, you should receive that in return.  The world doesn’t work that way.   I (meaning me) see things as black and white, good and bad, salt and pepper, in and out, yes and no.  There is no gray area.  So if you ask me how I feel about your hair that day and I think it looks ridiculous, I will tell you it looks ridiculous.  Why tell you it looks great, when that is not how I feel?  If a person doesn’t want to talk to me for whatever reason, why can’t they just say, I don’t want to talk right now, instead of ignoring me?  She said that I am almost not the norm when it comes to honesty.  To me, it makes perfect sense to say, I don’t want to talk right now…and when another person is incapable of doing something so simple as to say that, it infuriates me.  Why?  Because is it rocket science, no…it’s not.  But what I fail to realize is that people are not wired the same as I.  People don’t share as easily as I do.  To me it is like drinking water.  You just do it.  You just share.  How are you feeling today Tiffany?  Actually, I feel like crap, but thanks for asking.  If I responded with fine and I really wasn’t, I would feel like I lied to you and I wouldn’t be able to deal with that.  It’s not Catholic guilt; it is just how I am.

I have struggled with this all my life.  This being, the concept that people aren’t always telling me the truth, as some form of protection of my feelings, which in reality, just makes me dislike a person more.  I know it seems so simple, but it is really not. 

I firmly believe in my heart that it is okay to be honest with myself and everyone else around me.  I lay my head down at night and know that if I were to NOT wake up, the people that matter the most to me, will know that.  Or if you have hurt me or whatever, you will know that too.  You will know “where I stand.”  On everything.  I am ok with that.  What I have to do is realize that the rest of the world doesn’t work that way.  Easier said than done..

We all know I don’t like liars…especially ones that are going to rip my heart apart and sadly that has happened a few times.  We have all had it happen a few times.  I don’t recover or bounce back as quickly as others though and that has to change, but I am working on it and I am 10x’s better than I used to be about it.   Sometimes, I am so afraid a person is lying that I make myself sick over just planning on it already going to happen.  Well, that isn’t any good either.  All I can do is pray that a person is honest and means what they say and says what they mean. 

I guess for future reference, if you are going to tell me something that is going to hurt, you are better off telling me the truth, because no matter how bad it hurts, I will respect you when all is said and done.

The truth is that I know there are a few people in my life that are currently lying to me about something…probably something trivial and stupid, but a lie nonetheless.  I have CHOSEN to simply ignore it.  I have a very dear friend who reminds me OFTEN…choose your battles.  So I am choosing to not let those bother me.  This dear friend would be proud of me.