No two ways around it, Deeee-vorce sucks. I don’t care what age you are when it happens, it flat out sucks. Rarely do you have an amicable one at that. If you are fortunate it enough to have one, that is wonderful, an amicable one I mean.
My parents did not have an amicable one and still aren’t, even though it is over. The saddest part for me, well, there are many, but one of the hardest was looking at the accumulation of 40 years of stuff and watching two people fight over it just because Dad refused to let anything leave the house. Then it had to have a value placed on it. What was the value? Nothing. 90% of this “stuff” was mom’s crafts. Stuff that I now realize was purchased to fill the void that the house created. What void? Oh you know…the one that exists between two people who went their separate ways many years before they actually followed through with it.
These are merely my opinions and though I don’t intend for them to piss people off, I am sure they will. You don’t have to read these blogs. You have a choice.
Thing is, up until recently, I didn’t have a choice if I wanted to get married. Still can’t in my own state but we can have a Civil Union now, the world truly has come a long way. I don’t want to get going on the government’s view of marriage, the states view, the Catholic Church’s view, etc. If I do, I will unleash the cussing that is so customary for me to use when I am arguing about something I am passionate about. My point is not even that I think heterosexual couples (as the Bible apparently states is required) have done such a crappy job of showing us the true meaning of marriage, (which they have.) I have to laugh at the people who have had multiple marriages as well. Hey if one doesn’t work, try, try again…and yes I know that that even isn’t fair to judge depending on people’s circumstances, so that came out harsher than I intended.
My issue with the whole thing? Honestly? Never, ever, ever, tell me you stayed together for the children. I would give anything for my parents to have done theirs 20 years ago when they really, really wanted to. You are not doing the kids any favors. Trust me. And maybe other children from divorced families feel the opposite way, but seriously, my wish is to have seen them having spent the last 20 years happy instead of miserable.
To be totally honest, I think it is why I am single. When I am going to make that commitment it is going to be one time. Do I feel like there is only one person in the world for each of us? No…but I feel if you are lucky enough to find your best friend that is worth hanging on to.
What did my parents’ marriage teach me? To settle. To not follow your heart. To compromise your happiness for the sake of “doing what society or your own family thinks you should.” That two people can be in love and fall out of it and it’s the stronger ones who can admit when it is over. I learned a lot of things…but I also learned because of my current personal situation I was put in the middle of it. Not a place I wish anyone to be.
I don’t know why some marriages work and others don’t. I know when kids are involved, at any age, it stinks. All I know is that when I decide to get married, and I will, it will be because no matter how bad things get, no matter how many sacrifices we have to make and compromising that needs done, at the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow, I couldn’t imagine my life without that person. AGAIN, let me reiterate that my sister doesn’t believe a love like that exists…I do…No it is not always like the beginning when you feel like you are bouncing on a trampoline all the time, but I believe you should still be able to look at that person in ten years and think my God I am in love with them.
I don’t like divorce. I don’t like how easy it is to get one. I don’t like that my parents are no longer together, but I don’t like it because it was all I knew. Seeing them live their lives the way they are now is worth every single tear I cried over it. I just wish they would have made the decision sooner and NOT stayed together for us.
We turned out alright, Jarod, Dee Dee and I. Well I did. The other two are debatable.
Good post Tiff. I must add, if you don't mind, that not only is it super easy to get a divorce, its also super easy to get married. And, in my opinion, that is the part (getting married) that doesn't get enough thought process put into it. Its one of those "fairy tale" things. Getting engaged, planning the wedding, walking down the aisle . . . . it consumes you. Its what you "always wanted" . . . . but is it really who you want to be with for the rest of your life? That, my friend, is the part that needs to be carefully thought out.
ReplyDeleteJust my opinions and thoughts . . .
So true tiff! my girl's were grown also when their dad and i divorced. and it was hell for them sooo much history for everyone. I have the love of my life now in Bernie and the girl's are very happy for us new history! love ya girl.....thank's for the post!
ReplyDeleteAgreed Em...100%...and Beth, I am so glad you found happiness...I can see it in your face when I see you. THAT to me is what it is about.
ReplyDeleteI used to pray that my parents would get the big D also. They are still together also. I totally get your points! ~Amy
ReplyDeleteYou are so right Tiff Keep up the great work
ReplyDeleteMarriage has become disposable, and that is very disheartening.
ReplyDeleteThis is a subject that affects many people. My mom divorced my dad when I was 8 months old and my brother was 5. Divorce didn't seem to be a far enough distance for my mom, so she moved us to Colorado where we knew nobody. Only saw our dad in the summers when we came to stay with my gma and uncle. Couldn't stay with my dad because he was remarried and had my half- brother and sister, whom he was supposed to dedicate all his attention to. So, divorce isn't the only thing that affects the kids...so does remarriage. My mom made it definitely apparent that she preferred having a boy over a girl. Bro was
ReplyDeletegiven everything and I had to earn it. So, me being gay earned me unacceptance, conformity, and 10 years of bulimia. Her preference was so
strong that when my bro moved out, she signed up for the foreign exchange student program, where of course, our new edition to the family for my junior
year was a boy named Magnus from Sweden. There was no such thing in our
house (not home) as affection and emotions...you suck it up, deal with it alone,
and move on. I've yet to see where divorce caused an end result of happiness for anyone. My mom remained single for 12 years and struggled with no
financial support from my dad, my dad went on to become a "blackout" alcoholic
and remarry 3 times, never grasping the "bonding" concept with his kids, my
brother got involved heavily in drugs starting at the age of 12, and I was
nonexistent to both parents. I married ( courthouse wedding just as I had
planned...yeah right) according to the family's views (a man) after having met
what came to be my 2 oldest children ( I adopted from his previous marriage)
who were abused in every sense of the word by biological mom. I could not
leave them in that situation and in the process came to have Cody, my biological
son. While you prefer not to hear it Tiff...I married and stayed for the kids. After
all, their lives had to be better away from the abuse. At least THEY weren't
being abused anymore. I, also, eventually divorced for my kids...and my lesbian
self because in reality this was not a marriage built on love, but merely one of
convenience. My kids still suffer from the divorce...but they also suffered during
the marriage. So, what's the answer? I agree with Dee Dee that there is no
perfect person and love. So, my answer...if you never get married (cause) then
you never have to get divorced (effect). My dad summed it up best once when
referring to his and my mom's marriage and divorce..." I don't know if my drinking
caused your mom to go crazy or your mom's craziness caused me to drink, but
both were inevitable".
Tiff I think we could talk hours about shit. Specially in the right frame of mind. ;)
ReplyDelete