Sobering Experience

This is probably going to be one of my harder Blogs to write and I am sorry in advance to those who cherish the funny ones, because this one is on a more serious note.

Pretty much baring my soul here, so it’ll probably take a lot out of me.

Alcoholism runs in my family.  Both sides.  Both Grandpa’s actually.  Neither of them drink anymore but they used to. 

Although I do not think of myself as an alcoholic, because I can go weeks without drinking, I do know that when I am down, depressed, blue, confused, angry, whatever, that I turn to alcohol when I don’t want to deal with whatever “it” is anymore.  Is that a good idea, no, especially to add a depressant to the depressed?  I do not drink often, but when I drink, I drink a lot.  To the point where I don’t remember how I fell and broke my hand.  Perhaps it’s funny, but really it isn’t.  I don’t hurt others but it is hurting me when I do it to that extent.

I also drink when I am happy.  And miraculously, I don’t get mean, hateful, angrier, etc.  I actually have fun and I am a fun person to be around.  I can have a glass or two of wine with dinner and be completely fine.

I don’t always over drink just when I am depressed either though.  A perfectly good day sitting in the river can lead to several drinks.

When things get tough, I run to the place that will make me forget about it.  That solves nothing.  I am aware of this.  I am an extremely black and white person; there is no gray area for me.  It’s all or nothing.  I have been that way my whole life…it is not something I can change, I have tried, and it’s ingrained in every fiber of my being.

This is why I have decided to stop drinking all together.  It’s not a decision I am making for anyone other than myself.  I need to find an outlet when I am hurting, possibly my writing, but it won’t be to turn to a drink. 

As many of you know, next weekend is our 14^th Annual Labor Day Rodeo.  It is a 4 day drunk fest is what it is.  It will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, or maybe it won’t be and I just think it will…but it for sure will test my strength.  I have faith in myself.  Someone has to.  I have also been asked to bartend at my old bar tomorrow night, so just being surrounded by it will be interesting, but I think the best way to give something up is to be challenged by its presence.  Maybe that is just me.

I don’t need to drink to enjoy life.  I need to start enjoying my life period.  I have a lot to be thankful for. 

I am asking you, as my friends and family, to support me in this journey and understand that it will be difficult for me at first.  It will mean the world to me if you would.

Good luck Tiff…but I already think you are moving in the right direction.  =)