A Letter To Myself, CONT.

Right around the time you were 12 or 13 though, something changed.  You didn’t like the word no or the phrase you can’t.  And that is when you started going to the Mayo Clinic.  You were fascinated with all the children who had the same condition you did, some so much worse, but you finally didn’t feel so different.  And you were REALLY fascinated with Dr. Nelson who repeatedly told you that your life was not going to be what you expected it to be.  You were told to stop playing sports.  That pissed you off so you didn’t.  I can remember one time in Junior High when you were playing basketball that your mom and dad refused to come to a game because you had just about every possible joint wrapped in an ace bandage.  They were embarrassed.  It wouldn’t be the first time you would humiliate them. 

Your first real boyfriend in High School was the cutest boy in school and how you landed him, no one will ever know.  You were so in love although your mom told you that you had no clue what it meant to be in love.  You swore you would marry him.  He was the first person to tell you that you were Gay.  It hurt you to the core.  And thinking he was doing you a favor he left you for someone else and married her.  They now have two beautiful children.

Your two best friends Michelle H. and Michelle M. are still your very good friends today.  When you were a freshman, you wanted to get a degree in P.E., but you didn’t want to be a teacher or an athletic trainer which were your options at the time.  By the time you were a junior, a new degree was available at Western Illinois University, called Fitness Management and you knew that is what you would do.  Mr. Tanner your guidance counselor said you wouldn’t last in a four year school.  Well we all know you did and we all know you graduated with honors and we all know you went on to get your dream job.  We also know this is the first time depression reared its ugly head and you would learn that you would have to deal with it for the rest of your life.

You could no longer see Dr. Nelson because she was a pediatric rheumatologist, so you simply decided not to see anyone ever again.  It wasn’t until recently that it showed up again and actually it probably has before then, but you most likely ignored it.

Although you have not had many jobs, the ones you have I feel you did very well.  Your very first job, at the Fairview Ice Cream Center, everyone wanted to work with you because you were so fun.  You made it fun.  After your internship in college you became the manager at the Fitness Center in 2 years, which was the shortest amount of time anyone had moved that far up and you even won a Customer Service Award.  You absolutely adored this job, until that fateful day.  And it would be after this day, that you never again felt beautiful, you never again felt smart, you never again felt worthy of anything.  Never again until you hit rock bottom in 2010.

I wish I could go back to that day and tell you not to get in the boat.  I wish I could beg you to not be so brave or so easily swayed by peer pressure, but you were in the best shape of your life and you swore you could do it.  It was after all your employee summer picnic, and you didn’t want to be the party pooper.  I remember the way you felt when you put that wetsuit on.  You could see your six pack abs and the definition of your quads in your legs…it was one of very few times you have ever felt so beautiful.  You did it anyway…you got in the boat.  And you attempted to barefoot waterski.  You got up once and went a little ways, but the next time, the next time, changed your life forever.  I won’t get into it because I know it is hard to listen to, but you spent a year at Physical Therapy, Ortho’s and Chiropractors, all of who refused to do surgery because you were so young.  You were 25.  You had to give up your favorite part of your job and focus more on the management behind the scenes stuff.  It was the people you loved being with and this was hard for you.

This was the same time you realized that you were attracted to women in a way that was going to extremely disappoint your family.  You had two major stressful things going on and to make it worse, your Grandma Rosie was dying of breast cancer.  You took her passing very hard as she was the first person you were so close to that passed away.  Your first girlfriend, during this very time, decided she really wanted to be with men.  Sadly it would not be the first time you were used as an experiment.  Of course you thought you would die and life was over but you didn’t and it wasn’t.  In fact, you actually began a relationship with a man thinking you too had made a mistake, but it didn’t take long to figure out his idea of a relationship was having one with you and other women.  It became pretty clear when your Company however asked you to drive in the Pride Parade which is the city’s annual festival for Gays and Lesbians.  I will never forget how honored you were or how much that whole day changed your life.  You didn’t know so many people “like you” existed.  There were hundreds of thousands of people of all sexualities, spending the day together in harmony.  It was like nothing you had ever seen.  It was definitely a moment that defined you.

Your next girlfriend, at least she didn’t go back to boys, but instead had another girlfriend at the same time.  This hurt pretty bad and you were again sure you were going to die.  But again, you didn’t.  This was about the time that you decided living alone was terribly expensive and became roommates with Scott and Heidi, whom you didn’t know at the time would turn out to be your best friends later in life.  You had a lot of fun here.  A lot of great memories.  In fact you actually had a boy in your room the night of their annual Halloween party…until Scott and another man were wrestling and ended up breaking the door to your room down.  We will never know what would have happened, but I like to think it obviously wasn’t meant to be. 

However, this is when online dating took off and met you a woman in Southern Minnesota.  This is the first woman you introduced to your family and strangely the one furthest from what you normally looked for in a woman.  She had two kids, was from a small town like you, had a really cool little house and you couldn't have been more different.  It is probably why you worked at the beginning.  Her family loved you, you loved them, but the drive (2hours) was killer.  By some act of God, a position became available near her for an Executive Director at a community rec. center.  You applied, never dreaming in a million years you would get it.  Well, I knew you would and you did.  So it seemed as if God had a plan.  You met Cara, you landed the job, and you were now running a multi-million dollar facility.

TO BE CONTINUED.....